


Langst: One Shots

by writinglangst8703



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Gore, Death, Depression, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Gore, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-03-27 16:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 88
Words: 81,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13884471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writinglangst8703/pseuds/writinglangst8703
Summary: Basically a bunch of one shots that I use to reach out to people and make them think. A "real" fanfic that deals with very real things through the eyes of a character, Lance McClain, from Voltron.





	1. Time for a Change... Or Not.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
> Instagram: shakesqueerbooks  
> Wattpad: MeelzOnWheels

A newborn, five pounds and three ounces, is brought into the world with a family who is sure to love him. He has potential.

A toddler, gets up, takes a few steps, and the falls back down. He looks ready to cry, but when the 9 month old observes his family, they are cheering and smiling and look so happy. He's happy too.

A child stands, an overly large backpack on his shoulders. He is already gaining those long limbs, the structured face. The child with blue eyes waits for the school bus. It's his first day.

A kid makes a friend, a friend named Hunk. They sit at the lunch table, deciding that multiplying is too hard. They eat green Jell-o, and they laugh. Second grade was the worst(est).

A boy breaks his arm, trying to impress a girl from his Math class. He toughs through the pain, his mother worries, he's got a cool cast. She signs it, so does Hunk.

A teenager screams at his Mom for what she's said, what she's done. Life is unfair, unfair! He doesn't see the tears in her eyes because he's too busy slamming a door.

The same teenager stands, engulfed in his mother's arms, crying. First rejection, no one loves him. But the only woman in the world that mattered loved him. There was that.

A nervous teen is shocked, surprised his mother had taken it so well. He was gay! And to her that had been more than okay. Unconditional love; his mother was the best.

A young adult stood, tears streaking his cheeks. No, no no. She couldn't be gone. His mother was gone; stroke they had said.

A newfound adult joins the academy, makes it into the Garrison. A father, a sour father, makes no word of whether he is proud. Just a nod, no goodbyes. His siblings wish him luck.

A pilot goes from cargo to fighter, and Hunk is there too. So is Pidge, whoever that is. A bond is formed. And then a ship crashes. That's his mission.

A curious eye finds his hero, and his enemy. They find themselves in trouble, and then there were lions. Blue, was what he called her. She had let him in.

A paladin is introduced to the princess, and a gorgeous man. A battle must be fought, and enemy must be defeated. Could he do it?

A fighter shoots the purple complexed monster, a Galra, barely capable of supporting himself. Keith cradles him in his arms, but that goes unremembered.

A man continues throughout a journey, one held with fortune, but also so much misfortune. He'd be injured, he'd lose a friend. He'd get stronger. 

A broken voice would tell about a seventh wheel, about what lacked. He would keep the words to himself, and the Yupper of course.

That voice grows quiet in time. The enemy is almost defeated, they are almost there. 

A reckless fighter throws himself into danger, he can hear his friends over the communication device in his helmet. Do they see what he's doing?

No they don't. No one ever saw. Heard.

A funeral is held. 

A group mourns, but know that the universe must still be protected, there's a battle to win.

A gravestone sits in Earth. He had been taken here because even if they never listened they knew he would have wanted that.

A mother lays next to her son, once more.  
_________________

Lance Charles McClain

July 28, 1996 - June 3, 2016

_________________

Rosanna (Rosa) Sonja McClain

January 16, 1963 - September 23, 2012

_________________


	2. Carefree Intentions

The group laughed, exiting the grand castle as their boots touched ground on the land of the Wittigen. “Hunk, control your appetite!”

“Don't scare them with your massive intent to eat anything in sight!” Lance teases, nudging his friend with a playful smirk. Pidge exchanged a comment, and even Keith smiled.

The Paladins were on a planet called Wittigania, home of the Wittigen. They were a silent civilization, who mostly kept to themselves. Only a recent attack from the Galra had drawn the introverted society to seek help. 

Wittigen people were adapt to a sort of sixth sense, and not because of their four arms, yellow-purple skin, and double sets of eyes. The Wittigen could sense intentions in all, no matter the species. Hence, Lance's joke.

“Listen, Paladins,” Coran said into everyone's communication devices within their helmets. “This is a serious mission. We're here to help, but we cannot stay long.”

Everyone exchanged a look.

“The Wittigen are a cautious type. If you have an intention, or a mere thought, they could deem it threatening.” Coran took a pause, “I remember as a lad I came here with my---”

Keith interrupted him, “Clear our heads, got it.”

Lance smiled, “Good thing. All the Wittigen ladies are gonna take one good look at the Blue Paladin, and their intent is me.”

“Lance, not now. These people are in danger, and we may be to. Like Coran said, we have to make this quick.” Shiro said sternly, lightly scolding his teammate.

“Shiro is right, let's go guys.” That was Pidge. Everyone nodded, jokes dying, and they started towards their destination where the Wittigen gathered.

Lance didn't move for a moment, throat tight, watching them walk off. “Yeah...Sorry.” He followed after them, trailing behind a little.

That was unfair of Shiro. Lance was only trying to make everyone laugh, lighten the mood. And he had! Why was he scolded then…?

Because you're annoying.

It's funny until you said anything.

Lance bit his cheek, persing his lips. They would joke and have a good time, but seemingly it would all go sour the moment Lance joined.

Seventh Wheel.

That's a terrible wheel to be.

“Approaching the castle. Coran, are we good?” Alluras asked, waving towards the Wittigen society starting to crowd towards them.

“Looks like it, Princess! Good to go! Follow them into the palace, and from there the emperor should be waiting.”

Walking on, briefly socializing with the audience of Wittigen, Paladins and Princess stood at the hull of the ship-like building.

It was once a flying palace, had they crashed?

“Halt!” 

Shiro looked towards the shouted, “Stop.” The word was indicated at his crew. Hunk shifted nervously.

“You have landed on Wittigania, home of Emperor Vexok. Halt for inspection.” A guard informed, and no one went against him.

Pidge smiled as the interesting species walked around them, despite their weapons. She was intrigued by their unique ability, which they must have sensed. She had the intent of knowledge. 

“Green, proceed to the castle.”

The guards went one by one, and with each member of the group they were allowed in.

That was until they got to Lance.

“Stop.” A guard said, and without warning two more were there, standing behind Lance. The blue Paladin shot his friends a nervous smile, unaware of what was going on.

They looked just as confused.

“Hey, what's going on guys? I'm not going to--”

“Quiet! We know your intentions, you cannot hide it from us.” The two guards behind Lance grabbed him by the arms quickly.

“Hey!” Lance protested, similar to his team.

“What's the matter?” That was Shiro, again. 

“This one has malicious intentions to kill, he cannot be allowed in. Emperor Vexok shall not be harmed, the Blue Paladin is a threat.”

Pidge blinked, along with Hunk. “Malicious intent to kill? Ha, okay, I'm sorry to break it to you but that's not Lance. Right, Lance?”

Keith remained quiet, eyes narrowed. Princess Allura is the one who spoke next.

“Wittigen people, I assure you Lance does not have any intention of killing your emperor. We are Paladins of Voltron, only here to protec--” 

The guard slammed his staff into the rocky surface of the ground, causing it to crack.

“He must be removed. Leave now.”

Lance was thoroughly confused. He didn't want to kill their Emperor! Maybe this guard was just--- Oh. Oh.

The anxiety of being in possible danger for something he had no clue drained, and Lance was casual. “Oh, that.” He shrugged, which warned the grip on his arms to be tighter.

Lance had been silent since they'd arrived in his planet and Shiro had chastised him. “You're probably feeling how I want to kill myself.”

In his helmet, Lance heard the chorus of his friends’ breath catching. The guard in front of him turned. “You have no intention of killing our Emperor?”

Lance shook his head, vaguely aware of his entire team staring at him. The silence in his ears.

They were all permitted into the palace, but this time Lance led the way. He couldn't look at them. 

His intentions were true. But they didn't want anything. Why would they? If he was dead then Shiro wouldn't have to chastise anyone. Missions could get done better with Lance out if the way. It was that simple.

And with those Wittigen guns pointed at him when he'd been held, he had almost hoped they'd fire. But not in front of his friends.

Speaking of them, they all were walking slower than what would have been normal. Glances at Lance were passed back and forth, heads shaking occasionally.

Lance wouldn't.

He was only joking, that's Lance.

But why would Lance have made a 'joke’ on something as serious as that? Suicide?

Lance was acting so casual,  like the event from not even three minutes ago had never occurred. It had to be a joke.

Maybe it was the way he'd barely reacted to the weapons, or thinking back to how Lance was in battle. How carefree he was. 

Maybe carefree, is just another word for suicidal.


	3. Helmet Hair

“Pidge! Go around the back and disguise yourself. Enter through the back, don’t get caught! After that, you know what to do. Hunk, get your jawblade and attack the left flank! Keith, Lance, we need you two to guard Pidge. She’ll need in and out with minimal trouble.” Shiro shouted his orders over the sounds of battle.

“Coran and the Princess can’t hold the castle longer than fifteen min—”  
“Ten! The particle barrier is disintegrating faster than we assumed!” Coran’s frantic voice made a wave of determination and responsibility fall over the Paladins. There was a job to do.

“Don’t worry Princess, we’ll get this done in six!” Lance said cheerfully.  
“JUST GO!” several yelled.

Keith and Lance turned their lions in time, and followed the green paladin towards a less guarded part of the Galra ship. Pidge went invisible, signaling Keith and Lance to watch her back now.

“I’m going to park her right under the hull, there should be a door.” Pidge explained. “I’ll sneak in and get to the control center. You two watch for any drones and make sure I don’t get caught.”  
Sounds of shuffling were heard in their ear pieces.

“From there, I’ll get in and implant the virus. I would only have a minute and a half to get out, so be ready.” Pidge sounded determined, although nervous as well.  
“Don’t worry, we’ll have you out in no time. Maybe afterwards, we can go get ice crea—”  
“Not the time Lance, LEFT!” That was Keith.

Lance winced. That was the second time during the battle. He kept quiet after that.  
Pidge disappeared through a hole she had sliced in the ship’s structure, and hell broke lose.

Lance shouted as nearly twenty Galra drones turned around the side of the ship and started shooting purple beams of light to meet with the blue. It had caught him off guard, and he barely had time to react to the next few that started to fire.

“Keith, they are coming from everywhere. You take the right, I’ll handle the left so we can—”  
“Lance, stop talking and just SHOOT. I swear, if this mission fails and Pidge cant get out safely because of your constant chatter I’ll…”

Lance didn’t hear the rest, anger boiling and he shot beams of light towards the enemy.  
There was no way they could take down the masses of fighter drones coming at them, it just being the two of them. If they would each take one side it would work better.  
But Keith was shooting everywhere, and Lance tried to keep from shooting his friend accidentally.

“Hunk!!!” That was Shiro’s voice, sounding strained and concerned.

“What happened?” Lance was the first to answer. Had Hunk been hit? Was he okay?!  
“I’m alright, guys! Keep fighting!” The yellow Paladin answered, and relief came.

But not soon enough.

Something rammed into the side of Blue, and she went spinning out of the fight Lance and Keith were engulfed in. Keith didn’t seem to notice, too into the fight.

“Ugh!” Lance’s helmet had been knocked off, alarms and flashes of red obscured his vision. The blue eyed man had been knocked out of his seat, laying on the floor. “Nn…”

Blue was hurt. That was the alarms.

“No No No!” Lance cursed, adrenaline pumping through him. The man was on his feet in seconds and back at the controls. He had to get back there and help Keith, Pidge should be out in only a few seconds. How long had it been, forty-five?

“Come on, girl. We gotta get back out there. Just another minute and then we’ll get you back to the castle and all fixed up.” A wave of pain washed through him, and he assumed it to be Blue’s.

“Got it! Let’s go, Keith!” Pidge.  
“Copy that. Hunk, Shiro, Pidge is out, let’s get out of here.” Keith.

Lance was unaware of his team starting to leave the fight, towards the castle to make their escape and get out of there fast. The galra ship was starting to go green, and explosions of drones losing control went off all around.

“Come on… Come on…” Lance growled, and then he beamed as his lion came back to life.  
“Yes!!! Boom baby!” As his screen cleared, he froze at the sight. Wait… where was Keith? And the ship…

Oh no. They were leaving! Lance looked around quickly, felt his head swim, and snatched his helmet back up to put it on.

“—-is he?”  
“Dammit, Lance. We don’t have time for this! We’re leaving!”

Lance held his breath, shoving the controls and zoomed Blue towards where the castle was starting to ascend. “Here! Sorry guys, Blue was down. We’re back in business!”

“Come on!” That was Allura and Shiro.

As soon as Lance made it back to the ship, out of the sea of exploding drones, the lions were pulled in and they were off. Allura and Coran were quick to pull up a wormhole, then blast themselves through it.

Lance’s head spun, adrenaline and the guilt of almost costing the mission flowing through him.  
They had done it. Another Galra fleet taken out, another galaxy protected. But why did he feel so bad? He felt reckless, and a little annoyed. With himself or the others, he had no idea.

Walking back to the main part of the castle, the team congratulated each other and allowed relaxation and downtime. God knows they needed it.

“Great job in there, Pidge. We knew you could do it.” Shiro patted the green paladin’s helmet, smiling through his own.  
“Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without Keith there at the end.” She removed her helmet and smiled, Hunk coming up and hugging her. How was he already out of uniform?

Keith was discussing something with Allura as Lance entered, the blue paladin moving a little slower. His head hurt, and it was sort of hard to see. Assuming he’d overworked himself, Lance tried to cool down by taking off his helmet.

Immediately, there were shouts. Lance had fallen to his side on the ground, helmet rolling away.  
And with the head gear followed several droplets of blood that started to form a steady trail.

“LANCE!”

The man had taken a hard blow to the head when Blue had been hit, and when he had been flung from his seat, his skull had cracked from impact. His helmet had been flung off from the jerk, and had been unguarded.

Free of the helmet to clot it, the blood stained his hair and made it stick as the rest flowed from the side of his face. Blurred vision infected those blue eyes, melding everyone together.

It hadn’t been adrenaline, or Blue that had shared her pain, No, she had been projecting Lance’s to him, to get him to notice. But he hadn’t, and now his life was at stake. Lance wasn’t even aware he had fallen over. It was his own reckless fault. Joking around, hadn’t he?

“Hmngh…I…gu…ys?”

Several colorful forms crouched in front of him, reaching for him. Muffled voices and a few shouts reached his ears which were seemingly full of cotton. A pool of blood started next to his cheek.

And then those colorful figures went dark.


	4. Paved and Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Au out of Voltron universe normal lives

Perhaps something the group did the most, was go shopping at the mall together. What else would a ragtag team of friends do on a Saturday afternoon?

“Who wants to head back to the Orange Leaf for some frozen yogurt?” Hunk suggested, looking around for the shop as he asked.

“We just got done at the rides! I don’t know about you, but my stomach needs to return to it’s rightful place in my body before I do that.” Pidge chuckled, giving Hunk a look with a small smirk at her lips.

“Well, I was just thinking…maybe we’d be thirsty after screaming on the ride, ya know?”

“I think that idea sounds good, Hunk.” Shiro said with a smile, adjusting his string bag that held everyone’s things. Just like a dad.

Hunk smiled, and the decision was made. “I think it was up near the jewelry department.”

The group started their way after Hunk, the broad guy leading the way to the Orange Leaf.  
Everyone looked a little relieved, able to sit down for a little while.

“Aw man, Orange Leaf is gonna be great! I’m gonna have so much frozen yogurt that my brain will freeze!” Lance exclaimed z excited to have somewhere to go.

The indoor roller coaster was fun, don’t get him wrong, but he loved to try new things.

“Trust me, it’s already frozen.” Keith snickered.

Lance turned around, scoffing and stuck out his tongue. “Oh, whatever! Maybe it’d cool ya down, hothead.”

“Lance, don’t start an argument. We’re here to have a good time before finals next week.” Shiro scolded, glancing to his blue eyed friend.

Aforementioned boy frowned a bit, but was quickly replaced with his smile. “Aw, Shiro. I was only joking.”

“There it is!” Hunk announced, starting to walk faster. “Oh man, such fruity smells. I bet they have the best blenders. Oooh, if I could work there…” he rambled on.

Thankful for the distraction, Lance moved on ahead of Hunk and the others to the frozen yogurt shop. Luckily, Orange Leaf wasn’t too busy yet.

“Check out the menu!” The boy was drawn to the delicious pictures and bright colors.

What he didn’t notice, was how the group had stopped behind him. The reason?

Well, a certain mullet haired human had caught sight of a store, Hot Topic, and demanded they went there. Orange Leaf could wait, who knew how long the store would be semi-empty!

Assuming Lance was close behind, they grumbled and changed course, turning across the hallway to the dark store.

Lance was rapid fire describing the things he saw on the menu, still unaware that his friends left him.

“Pidge! I know you said you didn’t want any but they’ve got limeade! I know you like green…” he chuckled. “And Hunk, they have a gourmet menu! Is that awesome?”

Lance stared up enthusiastically at the menu, waiting for the voices of his friends behind him.

“And I think I’ll get the blueberry…”

Still no reply, Lance turned around. “Are you guys deciding? Hunk, I— Guys?” Lance blinked, eyes shifting as he noticed his friends were nowhere in sight.

“Guys? Where’d ya go?” Lance started to feel a little bit uneasy. He didn’t like to be left alone.  
Anxiety starting to prickle his chest, Lance went to the dining and seating booth and looked.

No friends. There were a lot of people in the mall anyway, he just needed a higher angle.

Lance grabbed a chair from a table, pulling it over and clambered up steadily. “Okay…”

With still no sign of his friends amongst the crowd of bustling bodies and bobbing heads, Lance sighed.

He’d just have to get their attention somehow.  
Lance bit his lip, hoping they hadn’t left him.  
That thought freaked him out, and his anxieties grew evermore.

“LANCE IS A USELESS HUMAN BEING!”

That ought to grab their attention. They would know it wasn’t true, and look up at the mention of his name. Maybe Hunk would punch whoever he thought said it, telling them it wasn’t true and how dare they.

But no one looked up but an older women, who scowled at him. She had been reading.

With a small apology, Lance went back to hopefully looking for his friends. The blue eyed boy found them across the mall, standing in the window of a dark shop, completely oblivious.

Oh…

He swallowed hard, stepping down from the chair. No problem, he probably just hadn’t been loud enough. Right?

Lance forced a smile onto his face, but felt his eyes stinging as he kept watch. They should have been able to hear him. That old lady did.

They’re just preoccupied.

But Lance couldn't even believe that himself.  
It wasn’t that he wasn’t loud enough. It was that no one cared to hear. Lance was just an annoying noise that people tried their best to keep from hearing.

Orange Leaf suddenly didn’t sound so appealing, because his whole body was cold and numb now. Might as well be non-existent.

Lance trudged over, and as he approached he pulled on his smile. His mask.

“Uh, hey guys. What are we doing?”

Keith and Pidge were engulfed in conversation over a certain manga.  
Hunk looking at some Sushi plushies.

Shiro looked over at Lance, “Hm?” He made no notion that he knew Lance had been gone. “We’re looking at this shop.”

The time he used made Lance burn inside. Shiro said it like it was obvious, like Lance was the one who was the odd one here.

They had gone off without him!

His heart thudded, and Lance smiled brighter. It didn’t reach his eyes. “Are we getting Orange Leaf?”

Shiro frowned, again, “Be patient. Keith wanted to check this place out. If you want to go so bad then go.” He shook his head, joining the others.

Lance didn’t like that. Something inside if him snapped, and the stinging tears dripped into his tanned skin.

“FINE!!!”

Oh now they heard him. And everyone within a 30 foot radius. All eyes turned to him.

“F-Fine!!! I’ll go off in my own. Yeah, I’ll do that.” He started to tremble. “At least I’ll TELL YOU!” Lance shouted, making a scene.

Keith and the others exchanged a glance, all looking uncomfortable. “Lance, be quiet. People are starting to stare.”

Lance whipped around and glared at Keith, tears flowing now, and he opened his mouth to say something. But no words came out.

He wheezed, struggling for words, before turning and going back the way they had come. “I’ll be in the car.”

The further away he got, the harder it became to calm down. The stronger the stream of tears fell. The more dark his thoughts became.

By the time he got out of there, he fell to his knees on the pavement and didn’t care about the scrapes that would form on his knees.

He deserved them.

Lance might as well disappear, melt in the hot California heat and become a simple stain in the pavement. Just to be walked on.  
Because really, what more was he?


	5. Sounds of Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: Implied death, harsh language, many swear words.*

They were all sitting on the dining hall, swallowing forkfuls of slime goo just to please Coran. Hunk was in the kitchen, though, making something a little more appetizing.  
“Don’t you guys have a space Taco Bell or something? I could really go for a crispito…” Lance sighed, setting down his utensil.  
Shiro looked up, and Keith glanced at him and then to Lance. “Lance! That is rude. We love Coran’s space goo.”  
Wow, a leader that lies. Typical.  
Coran smiled, “I’m glad to hear it! Now excuse me, I’m going to see how Hunk is doing in the kitchen. And to wake Allura…” The mustachioed man walked off, eagerly, boots tapping on tile.  
Lance had shrunken back into his seat upon Shiro’s scolding words. He hadn’t meant to be rude. It was supposed to be funny.  
It had been like that all day, if Lance thought about it. Sure, everyday he got his dosage of hate and snappy comments. But today, it’s like a switch had been flipped and now it was time for their nastiest comments.  
Pidge looked gloomily at her goo, casting the blue paladin an annoyed expression. “I’ve been researching possible viruses in the Galra system all day for a hack. Lance, if you could keep your unneeded comments to a minimum that’d be fantastic.”  
She wasn’t one to make such snide comments at her friend. Lance decided it was sleep deprivation that had Pidge acting in such a way.  
“Oh, yeah… Sorry.”  
He wasn’t truly. In fact, if Lance was honest with himself, it was getting a bit too much for him. Lance hadn’t been ableto do anything today without a comment.  
Or being told to shut up.  
The man’s face reddened, jaw clenching. Did he really have to put up with that? It couldn’t ALL be true could it?  
Unless Lance really was just an annoying extra that everyone would be a lot happier without. A stressor that no one needed.  
Angry tears built up at the corners of his eyes, knuckles white as they dug into his fork and gripped it. Maybe he’d just—  
Shiro and Keith fell into light conversation, and neither the two of them or Pidge seemed to be bothered by it.  
Hadn’t he been chewed out for that merely 2 minutes ago? What the hell!  
“—…around the North end…”  
“Yes but—”  
“—…. and when…”  
Lance blinked, sitting up slightly and focused attention in his teammates. “Are you guys making plans for tomorrows assault? Coolz what’s the plan? What do we nee–”  
Keith gave Lance the most confused expression, which had malice behind it just to get at Lance’s nervous. “Excuse me, were you apart of this conversation?”  
Shiro only frowned, eyes looking over at the blue paladin. “It’s just something Keith and I are discussing.”  
He couldn’t breathe, his throat had closed.  
Maybe that was good, because then he wouldn’t be able to speak. Wouldn’t that just please everyone?  
“Please just… try and stay quiet? This is important.” Shiro advised. The scarred adult started to address Keith, but never got to.  
Lance was fed up.  
He slammed his fork into the table so hard that the utensil itself bent at it’s end, and his plate clattered. Bits of space goo made a mess of the table.  
“Stay quiet? Stay QUIET?! I’ll make you stay quiet. Why can’t I speak huh?!” Lance said loudly.  
“Back with dinn—”  
“Shut up or I’ll see your mouth shut for you! I’m sick and gog damn tired of being the silenced one around here! I deserve a say!”  
Hunk started, glancing at Coran and the Princess who stood next to him. What had they just walked into?  
“Sit. Down.” Lance ordered.  
They were quickly in their seats, everyone unsureof what was about to happen. One thing was for sure though. None of them liked the look in Lance’s eyes.  
Or the way he was panting.  
“I’ve had ENOUGH! I’m so f*cking SICK of this bull sh*t you all give me every single gog damn day of my life!!“  
Deep angry eyes set on the group. “I’m so done with being the pushover you all think I am! ‘Oh he’s so happy oh he wouldn’t care if I tell him every time he opens his annoy mouth to shut the fuck up!’”  
Everyone’s eyes were huge.  
“I can speak with the right you all have as well!! I don’t tell Allura to shut up every time she complains or says she can’t do something! I don’t completely ignore Keith when they go through they pathetic ‘Blah I’m Galra, stay away’ phase! I don’t tell Pidge to fuck off when they are bragging about their intelligence. But when I try? No shut up Lance, you’re an idiot. I don’t disrespect, I don’t do anything to hurt you, I go with what you do!! What you say! What you think because ‘you know best.’ And you FUCKING know why?! Because I’m an actual decent person who has their own problems but deal with your problems because I care!!! And what the hell do I get….”  
Tears were falling now, he could barely keep a his words together. He was speaking so quickly.  
“…I get shut up, no one cares, you don’t make sense, you don’t understand, you’re stupid. Shut up shut up shut UP!” Lance made wild movements with his arms and hands.  
Electric blue eyes scanned each and every one of the members of the room. “And you know what else? I regret every moment I ever put up with any of you. Because none of you bothered to put up with me like I did you.”  
With that, he shoved back his chair and marched from the dining area. Most likely off to his room. Lance frantically scrubbed at his eyes.  
It was then that the other Paladins, Coran, and Allura were able to completelysee what they had done to Lance.  
How could they have done that to him?  
The next thing they heard was the sound of Lance’s bayard gun going off.


	6. Bloom

It was supposed to be a simple gesture, just something nice. How could have it had gone so horribly wrong?   
The team had just defeated an island monster on another alien planet, ridding it’s inhabitants of the threat. Another beast sent by Zarkon in an attempt to destroy Voltron once and for all, bait for the team.   
This one had been nearly 100 meters tall, with one giant eye, but thousands of holes that covered its body. Hunk had described it as an ‘inverted pufferfish’, which Pidge had concluded to be quite accurate. The being blew air from each of the crevices, making it nearly impossible to approach without getting their beams blown right back at them.  
Eventually, Shiro and Hunk had come up with a plan to swipe its legs and well…’pop’ it.  
It had gone successfully, and the Paladins had been invited to a celebratory party in their favor. In casual attire, everyone milled about. Hunk was intent to try the culture’s exotic foods, Pidge seemed intrigued by the infrastructure of the building.  
Shiro, with Keith nearby as usual, was socializing and keeping watch. The little alien kids were fascinated by the Black paladins robot arm, and Keith’s ‘eccentric’ hair. It was quite amusing.  
“Our flowers are connected to the lake….”  
“…literally draws you in…”  
Shiro seemed mildly interested.  
Lance stood with Princess Allura, shifting from right to left. There wasn’t much else for him to do. Allura was just watching the commotion with a serene happiness, peaceful.  
“So, Princess. I was thinking… This place has got some pretty wicked growth. Did you see the trees?” He asked, smiling at her as he attempted to engage in polite conversation.   
“Yes, Lance.” Allura sighed and looked at him, tilting her head. She had a tired expression on her face, not really interested in talking with the Blue paladin at the moment. “I saw the flowers, I believed they were quite beautiful.”  
Lance perked at this, “Flowers? You liked those? That’s cool.”  
He then decided that he was dead set on getting her those flowers.  
“Yes, they were near the lake when we landed. I was amazed by their glow. Lance, excuse me but I’m going to check and see if Coran needs any help with repairs.” She glided off, a wispy motion in Lance’s eyes that he found beautiful.   
“Yeah! Alright…” Lance watched her go, nodding lightly.  
And then he was off.  
He wormed his way through the crowd, apologizing here and there, before making it out of the other side. It had been a feat that took nearly 7 minutes, but it had been accomplished. He even managed to get only a light stain of mystery beverage on his sleeve.  
“Glowing flowers by the lake, glowing flowers by the lake…”  
The blue eyed man was not aware of Keith’s eyes on him from the moment he’d left his spot on the steps where he’d been with the Princess only moments earlier. Keith was suspicious.  
“What is he up to?” Keith mumbled, turning and watched his team member exit through the castle’s main entrance.  
Lance took a quick breath as fresh air hit him, and found himself relieved to be out of the stuffy air full of unpleasant alien smell. It was nothing like the way parties on Earth smelled, or fiestas.  
“Alright, where is the lake?” Lance asked himself, like he was expecting to get an answer.   
The good thing about piloting the Blue lion, and being Lance in general, was that sensing water and hearing it came like second nature. Lance could hear its light waves, swishing on a gravel shore. The fluttering of organisms brushing the surface and animals dipping to drink.  
“There you are.” Lance fast walked towards the sounds, climbing around tall grasses. Several bugs hit his face, and he swatted them away. This was all for Allura, he wanted to get those flowers.  
He found them right on the shore, where water met land, and their glowing aura drew him in. They truly were beautiful. Allura had really under described the flowers beauty, by a long shot.  
The flowers didn’t seem to glow yet, as the night was not fully upon them. The flowers hung from miniature trees, mixed with dark green vines and leaves. Hanging like bells, the light blue and white flowers somehow reflected the setting son and made them slightly orange.  
“Wow…”   
When he got closer, examining the vines that came from the flower stems, noticing that they all went into the ground. The vines created the actual tree like structure. It was something Pidge would have been amazed by, despite her lack of plant interest.  
Lance crouched down, tilting his head to view the plant. How was he supposed to pick one? The entire plant intertwined itself in some way, and Lance didn’t want to harm the plant in any significant way.  
Slender fingers reached out to the plant, gently pulling a flower that he deemed most appealing from it’s tight bond. With a delicate movement, he started to tug at the vine to break it away.  
“Almost…” He stuck his tongue out, focused. The water started to reflect in his blue eyes, Lance unaware that it’s waves started to pick up pace, spilling around his shoes.  
It was a little too late when he finally noticed that he was in water passed his ankles, feet completely submerged. What was going on?!  
As he stood up, pulling the flower up with him, the vine broke. And with it, hell.  
The murky teal water surged, a sudden, incomprehensible wave knocking him over and sending him into the water. Some invisible force was pulling Lance in, towards the water, and the paladin found it about time to panic.  
“No! Hey, stop it!” Lance didn’t really care that he was yelling at a simple element.  
He tried to turn on his stomach, coughing and sputtering water as it tried to get over his head.   
Lance had never had problems swimming in his life. But now? This was something else.  
“ALLURA! SHIR–”  
The foreign water consumed him, and suddenly Lance lost all of his sense. Sight, hearing, smell, every one of them. Thrashing for help, he tried to keep his hands above water.  
Someone help me!!!! Help!  
The sudden thought that no one wanted to help him crossed his mind. It would make sense, wouldn’t it? Lance cost missions, he made stupid mistakes, he was annoying. Death by water, it was ironic wasn’t it?  
His vision started to rapidly fade, water entering his lungs and breathing failed him. This was such an ironic way to die, it would be a joke in years to come. And Lance had accepted it.  
Let him die. Wasn’t it like Keith had said? His life wasn’t equal to thousands of others?  
Hell, his life wasn’t even worth the flower he was still clinging to.  
Lance was oblivious to several things that had been happening since he had left the castle.  
Lance had been oblivious to Keith following him out to see what he had been up to.  
Lance had been oblivious to Keith hiding behind some of the foliage as the blue paladin had picked his flower.   
Lance was oblivious to Keith scraping himself on branches and tripping on weeds to get to Lance as the water started to pull him in.  
Lance had been oblivious to Keith rapidly swimming after him, screaming his name.  
Lance was unconscious when Keith had grabbed his hand, pulling him to surface.  
“…he okay…?”  
“Lance, can you hear me?”  
Hunk and Keith stood in his line of vision, and he could sense the presence of more bodies around him. What had happened….?  
He became aware of the stares he was getting, how everyone looked scared out of their minds. Even Keith, which Lance found most shocking. Then it came back to him.  
Lance had drowned— or nearly drowned— in the lake retrieving a flower for Allura.  
His hand slowly went to his pocket, grabbing the delicate plant. He’d nearly died for that.  
But his heart soared now, seeing his friends around him.  
They were talking but he was barely listening.  
Tears started to fall.  
They cared about him, and to Lance that was more important than a flower.  
It was everything.


	7. Rain

Rain was truly unbelievable. Lance didn’t know until now how much he had truly underestimated the essence that was rain. The way it fell, but never the same way.  
There are times when the rain would come in thick, wet droplets to replenish the Earth it fell to. But the downside of all that is that the rain only lasted a couple of minutes. Maybe less. Then the sun would come back and soak it back up.  
It was like the Earth was granting a gift, as if teasing a small child, only to take it away to resume elsewhere. For it is proven, it’s always raining somewhere in the world. But no one can hog Earth’s gift for themselves. It must be shared.  
Other times, the sky would be a dark grey, and the Earth would grant a light sprinkle. Maybe a steady fall. Something only so significant that it makes the world muggy and sticky. Days like these were spent quietly, lazily.   
Lance remembered staying indoors with his siblings, maybe playing a board game or two and listening to 90’s Latino rock bands. Maná had been his favorite.  
Sometimes, the rain brought danger. Hurricanes, tsunamis, cyclones, whatever one would call it depending on where they were in the world. Rain, something that can be so sweet and comforting, but could also bring the worst of disasters.  
Rain is funny, in that way.  
Lance stood now, frozen to his spot and could feel the cold drops on his skin, gliding down his suit. The drops were definitely different than the ones on Earth, but it was so close to the same that he believed it for a second.  
Rain.   
This planet, this random planet that the team had stopped on just to make minor repairs to the castle, had rain. One of the things Lance had missed so much.  
Pidge, Lance, and Shiro had come out to scout the surrounding territories, Hunk and Keith off to find any possible inhabitants. Lance stood utterly still, paying attention to the rain instead of the voices within his helmet.  
“Ugh, it’s so muddy! My pants are soaked…” Hunk complained, his grumbles muffled.  
Keith was making several grunting noises, frustrated as he tried to walk through the sog.  
Pidge kept complaining about how cold she was getting, and Shiro was doing his best not to slip every few moments. It was all complaints.  
“Let’s just get done scouting, then we can all go back inside where it’s dry.” Shiro informed.  
That seemed to please the others, but Lance despised the idea. Hadn’t they missed rain too?  
The way it sounded, especially, so many sounds at once. Light splats as it made contact with harder parts of the ground, the steady sound of ‘wet’ as the water formed puddles and droplets fell into them. The hum of the downage that seemed to be the most natural sound in nature.  
The sound of rain was consistent, no matter how hard or how long it fell.  
Shiro and Pidge had walked off, leaving Lance on his own to stand amongst the light underbrush and stare up at the sky.   
“Maybe Coran has some ponchos or something…” Hunk.  
Lance didn’t quite process when he noticed it, but at some point he had realized not all of the wet streaks on his face were cold like the rain. Some were warmer, and when they made it to his lips the blue eyed man could taste salt.  
Tears.  
A shaky hand went to his cheek, brushing them away with a light smile. His tears melded with the cold drops of precipitation, and Lance saw this. He could see their differences, and was surprised when people said that rain could hide tears.  
To the mere glance, yeah, they looked just the same.  
But there was a true, divine difference that Lance could see now and it was beautiful.  
Tears had a simple form. Smear them, and they disappear. Drop them, and you get a simple circle. Tears have a short life span, a fall down the cheek with an unchanging form in a single line and then their life was over.  
Rain, however, was so incredibly different. They fell, and as they did there would be an ever wavering form. When they hit solidity the form would be drastic. A splatter pattern. They hit, and when they streak they dance.  
Rain drops dancing on a window, a view everyone has seen. They dance and join each other, go in groups, twisting and turning. You would never see a tear do that, now would you?  
Lance chuckled softly, looking up towards the sky and grinning. He’d blink a few times, droplets on his eyelashes, then continue to look. Rain.  
He even stuck out his tongue.  
Without shame, and with a stunning grin, Lance stuck out his tongue to catch the droplets like he had when he had been a child. The blue paladin could remember that.   
Lance remembered going out in his muddy field of a yard with his brothers and sisters, telling them all that they needed to practice. Practice tasting rain, because sometimes it would get really hot and there would be no water. They would have to survive on drinking rain like the survivor men in the movies.  
He would survive.  
Lance let a few drops, rare drops, hit his tongue, then he looked back to Earth. He could enjoy the sky later. Right now, the rain mattered to him. The memories it brought, and the pain it yielded.  
The tears it wrought from the very crevices of Lance McClain’s soul. Rain.  
Yes, he was really crying now. The emotions that a simple earthly accurance was overbearing, and Lance hugged himself. He hugged the rain, keeping it there so it couldn’t leave him again.  
Sniffles were heard, his light sobs. Lance didn’t want the others to hear this. This was a personal moment, between Lance and the rain. Only the two of them in reflection. They would make fun of him and he didn’t want that. Lance wanted to relish this while he could. Lance wanted even closer, closer than the way tears fell from his eyes and his sobs echoed to join the droplets and sounds of the rain.  
So he took off his helmet, and the rain was gone.  
Lance shot up in bed, immediately erupting in the tears similar to that off his dream.  
He wheezed, panted, hugging onto his pillow.  
It took him a moment to realize what was going on, to realize there was no rain. That it had all been a dream and he was now sitting alone in his bedroom on the castle. Rain.  
The rain wasn’t there when he checked out of a port window.  
The rain wasn’t there when he started packing up his things.  
The rain wasn’t there when he left a few of his belongings for his friends.  
The rain wasn’t there when he said goodbye to Blue.  
The rain wasn’t there when he climbed into the pod.  
The rain wasn’t there when he opened the airlock and was cast out into the vast space.  
The rain wasn’t there, and neither was Lance.


	8. Space Time

If you asked him, he’d tell you he loved space. He loved this adventure that no one else had the chance to go on. He was glad of how his life had gone. Lance loved space.  
But if you sat up with Lance at three in the morning, you’d be wiping the lies from his eyes and away from his cheeks. Lance hated space, and the constant uncertainty that came with it.  
He wanted to go home, to his true home. Not this place that played the role of home.  
This bedroom, this castle, this may have been where he spent most of his life but it wasn’t where he truly belonged. Not by a long shot.  
Answer him this.  
Would you feel at home, like you belonged, if you were surrounded by people who could seemingly do everything better than you?  
Would you feel at home in a place where you were constantly gotten on for one flaw or mistake or another, or were constantly told to get out of the way?  
Lance felt in the way most of the time, and in that time he’d grown quieter.  
He could constantly hear Keith’s snarky comments and things that would get under his skin and knew he did it on purpose. Keith was an asshole. Lance wouldn’t miss him when he got home.  
Lance was tired of feeling intimidated by Allura and Shiro, who were seemingly always at the head of the group. The leaders, the ones to listen to.  
He was tired of the way Pidge got babied, and how much praise Hunk could get,  
Lance was tired of being the seventh wheel and the outcast of the members of this ‘home’.  
Even the mice held higher importance than him, he was sure.  
The blue paladin was seemingly always making mistakes, never in the right.  
He was always accused of a bad mood, attitude, just ‘doom and gloom’ when he wasn’t making jokes.  
No one wanted around him no matter what aura he put up.  
Lance was always told to get over his little anxieties, the ones that in truth were way bigger than that. They had Lance breathing hard, trembling.  
Lance hated space and he was tired of it’s uncertainty.  
He was sitting in Blue at the moment, just staring tiredly out into space. Literally.  
Out here, or in the training room, was his safe place in a way.  
Or maybe it was just somewhere else.  
Lance was aware of all of the things he couldn’t do,because of the anxiety.  
Lance was aware of everything he couldn’t do, because it wasn’t just like everyone else.  
He was tired of the stinging eyes every day, the tears in the night.  
Lance just wanted to go home, where he truly belonged. Not here.  
Somewhere he had an actual mother to hug him and encourage him and LOVE him.  
Where he had siblings who weren’t constantly tricking him or at his throat.  
A home where love was distributed equally, and was shown every day.  
He wanted to go home where his problems wouldn’t be degraded or where he wouldn’t be humiliated or chastised for them. Where they could be talked through.  
Maybe that’s why he felt so bad out here in the wide, vast outer space.  
“I JUST WANT TO BE FREE!” Lance screamed into nothingness. Somehow, he felt like it would listen better than the team ever did, or cared to.  
He’d been suicidal, that was true. Lance remembered the stupid things he used to do to himself.  
Lance couldn’t even do that anymore, not that he cared to.  
Lance fought through every day, cried easily, and kept his head down.  
There was a constant struggle.  
But Lance knew that this emotional abuse couldn’t last forever,  
If his family still wanted him, they’d be there.  
He just had to go through a few more days.  
How many was it now, until the fateful day in August?  
488? 487?  
Lance could do it, he was sure. Just a little longer.  
The days had been going by faster, the blue paladin had noticed. It had felt like it was only 535 last week. That was a good sign.  
The days went by faster, which carried into months.  
Just a little over a year left.  
Lance could become his true self, be who Lance McClain really is.  
He could get help for his anxieties.  
Because he’d be somewhere with people who were more than happy to do that.  
People who weren’t too busy to help a breaking man.  
Sure, he’d probably go through years of therapy for PTSD.  
Sure, the anxiety may not ever fully go away.  
Sure, there’d be ups and downs.  
But it would be Earth.  
Did Lance tell you he hated space?


	9. Silence of the Lance

Lance probably would have guessed that after he died, things would be different amongst the team.  
Like, wasn’t that the most logical way things went after the loss of a loved one? An emptiness? Lost space?  
He didn’t expect it to go the way it had.  
Lance died in battle, hit by a lone beam and hadn’t been noticed for several minutes after the hit. He’d died only a few minutes before he had been found, actually.  
If anyone had cared to notice sooner he would still be alive.  
But no one had.  
The paladin had been ordered to take out the drones along the lower ends of the Galra shuttle, by himself.  
Sure, Lance knew it was the heat of a crucial battle, but they weren’t ever supposed to go out alone.  
Lance hadn’t seen the larger fighter come up behind him, and he didn’t see anything but his own blood afterwards.   
Blood and Space.  
He had been slammed into his controls, cracking his skull. Lance didn’t even feel the pain due to the part of his brain that had been injured.   
Where had his helmet gone? Wait, he was still wearing it because he could hear his friends.  
Lance briefly recalled an explosion.  
Oh, he’d been shot and then collided.  
Great.  
The boy had been helpless, alone, no one even noticed his last few moments. The way he wheezed into the microphone within the helmet.  
No one heard his crying, for it produced no sound. Only silent, dying despair.  
Lance died alone.  
When his friends had found him, or more specifically Hunk and Shiro, it didn’t go down well.  
Hunk had a panic attack, and they had to leave Lance because they would have lost another Paladin if the yellow had stayed.  
Sure, it was different the first couple of days.  
Mostly in Coran, and also Keith.  
Pidge had offered but then backed out.  
How would you feel if you had to clean out your brother from his lion? Your best friend?  
Hunk stayed in his room, and only came out when coaxed by the others.  
It was silent for a few days, and no one could get reaction from the blue lion after she been cleaned.  
She was grieving too.  
But even when Death comes knocking, the show must go on. And that it did.  
Within a week following Lance’s death, it was all back to normal as if the blue paladin never exist.  
Keith trained.  
Pidge hacked.  
Coran worked.  
Shiro and Allura led.  
Hunk cooked.  
Lance was merely a veteran to be forgotten in time. That sounds like a while.  
It had only been a week.  
He could have been saved.  
But no one cared to notice when the boisterous went silent, and now he was silent for good.  
Strangely…  
…wasn’t that what they had all asked for?


	10. Easter Special

Lance recalled Easter Sunday, or Domingo de Pascua, at his house as a time to be cheerful, and full of energy. A description that matched the boy perfectly.  
If he were to be asked on a personal level, Lance would admit that Easter was his favorite holiday back on Earth.  
More so than Christmas, Halloween, all of it.  
Easter in the McClain household was that of a spectacle. Especially with as many kids running around as there were.  
Lance could remember waking up Easter morning, bright and early. The little one would look out his window at the crack of dawn until nearly noon daring a glance for the rabbit that would bring his goodies.  
He never caught sight of it, darn thing.  
Lance would always be the first downstairs helping his Mama boil eggs for the large family to dye later.  
He had never seen so many eggs in his lifetime. It was quite a sight.  
The rest of his childhood Easter experience was pretty stereotypical. The prior Holy Week was spent on a vacation, and then on Sunday the Easter began.  
Lance always really liked the fireworks and fiesta that followed. He had never understood religion, but knew that this was a holiday to celebrate Jesus’ Resurrection.  
Now that he was in space, away from his biological family and with his ‘new’ one, Lance wanted nothing more than to be able to share this experience with them.  
For all he could see, none of the other Paladins were aware that the holiday was upon them.  
Lance was especially excited to introduce the holiday to Coran and Allura, who weren’t accustomed to such things.  
And even if they were, they didn’t show any signs of knowing today was the day either.  
Lance had been up all the next night, freezing space goo into egg shapes, making rabbit ears, and even had the mice dress up a little.  
Lance had stashed some interesting space candies from a trip to the mall about a month ago.  
He didn't mind sharing what he had left, just for this occasion.  
The Paladin even had a little piece of chocolate from the Earth store, which he decided would be in a ‘Golden Egg’ sort of deal.  
The boy was so excited, there was no sleep to be had. There was too much to do!  
When morning came, Lance was exhausted. He hadn’t slept a wink, but was still able to maintain his energy.  
He had hidden the little space goo eggs all throughout the castle, and had even devised a game with teams out of it.  
Keith and Coran.  
Allura and Hunk.  
Shiro and Pidge.  
The perfect, most unlikely teams.  
It would bring everyone closer too, he hoped.  
There would be a mouse assigned to each team, keeping everyone in check and dropping subtle hints here and there.  
Whoever had the most eggs, or found the Golden Egg, by the end of half an hour would be deemed the winner.  
Campeón Oficial de Pascua!  
Lance was bubbling. To say the least.  
As he started to hear his friends and teammates moving around in the castle, he decided it was time to let the festivities commence.  
Fully dressed, Lance bolted from his room and to the dining area, full of energy and enthusiasm. Just like Lance.  
Everyone was staring meekly into bowls of goo, or talking quietly with each other. Pidge was sleeping on her hand.  
“Good morning, everyone!”  
Shiro looked up, sighed, and offered the blue Paladin a small smirk. “Morning, Lance.”  
Keith grumbled, casting the other a dirty look. “Seriously, how do you have so much energy this early in the morning? Did you find an equivalent to coffee in space?”  
That interested the group, but only minorly.  
“Nope! But I have so many fun things planned for this special holiday, that you all will be up and awake in no time!” Lance exclaimed.  
Everyone gave each other a mutual look, before it was Hunk who spoke. “Lance, buddy. We all just woke up, we don’t want to play games. And, we’re a bit old for that don’t you think?”  
Shiro and Pidge nodded in agreement.  
Coran and Allura exchanged a look.  
Lance glanced around at his friends, biting his tongue nervously for a moment. “Well, it’s not just a game. It’s a celebration. Didn’t you guys celebrate back in Earth with your families or friends?”  
Pidge shook her head, “We didn’t celebrate random days for no reason. Especially not this early.”  
The blue Paladin frowned further. They didn’t know what today was, did they?  
“But it’s—”  
He started to pull out the piece of parchment he had written the days plans on from his pocket. “I made a—”  
Allura stood up, “Lance.”  
He looked up quickly, blinking at the girl. “Yes, Princess?” A flicker of hope was lit in his chest.  
“We don’t have time for your silly games, celebration or not. Pick a day that’s more accustomed to everyone’s schedule, not just yours. Why don’t you go get yourself something to eat?”  
Lance frowned, “But, Princess, today is—”  
“She’s saying shut up and leave, Lance.” Keith spat towards the boy, glaring.  
No one defended Lance.  
His enthusiasm was dropping drastically.  
“I made plans, I stayed up all night. I—”  
Lance started to take out the sheet, wanting to show it to the team. “Hunting, and… and dye—”  
No one was listening. They’d started discussing plans for their plans to infiltrate the next enemy warship, another step in the defeat of Zarkon.  
So none of them knew.  
Lance bit his lip until he tasted crimson metal, not daring to blink because if he did the hurt that was welling in his eyes would be seen.  
“Okay…. Okay …”  
He gave everyone one last look, before slowly turning around and making his way back the way he had come.  
Back to his room, where he would stay.  
Lance caught sight of a little space goo egg on his way back, hidden around a corner.  
The sight made a year escape, and he walked over to the thing and picked it up. It was starting to grow soft and melty.  
It was an awful reminder, and it hurt him to stand here and hold this thing. What he had stayed up all night to create, to do for everyone.  
And it was all thrown out to space.  
He hurled the 'egg’ at the wall with a scream, watching as the goo splattered. He hated that stuff.  
Lance’s day had been planned out, he had been so excited. This was going to be his one good day, his favorite day.  
It was his one reminder of home.  
His one reminder of the Earth he’d been forced to leave.  
The others wouldn’t know it was Easter.  
The others wouldn’t know all the planning and thought Lance had out into making this the best holiday away from home he could for the others.  
But they’d simply brushed him off.  
Keith had yelled at him.  
'Shut up and leave.’  
Lance felt a tightness in his chest, finally getting back to his room and sat in his bed.  
This was the one familiar thing he could have.  
He thought back to his childhood Easter again, thinking if everything they used to do together.  
Dinner, Egg Dyeing, Fireworks.  
Oh, Lance loved the fireworks.  
Later that day, in the midst of battle, Lance flew Blue out from the rest of the crew. He shut her down.  
Lance watched from Blues eyes, the explosions that erupted around him from defeated drones.  
The sounds of his friends hunting down the tiny rovers like Easter eggs. The Golden Egg when the Galra ship exploded and blasted them all way.  
Lance loved the fireworks.


	11. Sick Failure

Everyone has had that day, where they wake up, and immediately they realize they are sick.  
They wake up, and maybe they sneeze too many times in one morning, or their throat hurts more than just lack of hydration. Maybe it’s itchy, or has that awful sickly sting. Irritated.  
Maybe their eyes are runny, or their nose.  
A bit more fatigue than just waking up in the morning, or maybe they feel their body heat more than what was usually the case.  
Usually there is a headache.  
Lance felt all of this when he woke up, but at a lighter scale.  
“Oh geez…” He grumbled, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.  
Why did he have to be sick?  
“No no…” He dragged himself out of bed, tossing his pillow in annoyance.  
If Lance knew Allura, or even Shiro, they were going to be doing extensive training today.  
He dressed himself, throwing on his jacket besides feeling too hot for the thing.  
Just have to sweat it off. His Dad always told him that, to his mother’s disapproval.  
The blue paladin smiled at the memory, shaking his head with a chuckle. “Oh Mama.”  
He made it to the dining area, and could already smell Hunk’s cooking.  
Yum. That was a good start.  
Lance listened in on everyone’s conversation, eating slowly.  
He wasn’t much of a talker when he felt so sick.  
After breakfast, Lance’s earlier thoughts were confirmed.  
Training.  
He wasn’t even upset as he was beat by everyone, and when he couldn’t even get past the first level with the bot. Lance had an excuse, he was sick.  
Whenever Hunk or Coran, or anyone for that matter, asked if he was feeling okay, he’d answer with:  
“Just a little head cold.”  
No one questioned him after that. But also no one told him to get rest or to help his sick.  
He had to do a double take when Keith told him to, ‘Sweat it off, wimp.’  
By the end of the day, he could hardly walk straight. He stumbled constantly.  
Lance skipped lunch and dinner, and even the little charades game the mice put on.  
He had one hand against the wall, shuffling off to his room.  
Didn’t anyone think he needed help?  
No one had seemed worried about him at all today, and now it bothered Lance.  
He felt like he was dying or something, which was only a slight exaggeration.  
But all he had to do was make it to bed, and he’d rest it off.  
That would be all it would take, right?  
The blue paladin shivered where he stood, needing to take a break. His body was burning up, he knew. But it felt like he was in a freezer, despite the sweat dripping from his tanned forehead.  
You could cook bacon on the guy, come on.  
He found his victory when he finally made it to the door to his room, and flopped onto his bed upon entry. This was good, he made it. Now, sleep, and he’d wake up fine. Just a little head cold.  
There were bacteria in space, yeah? Just a cold.  
Lance fumbled for his blanket, putting it over himself and curled up tight.  
“Ah…” His shoulders relaxed, and he closed his eyes.  
Maybe that was a little better, yeah. His headache seemed to ease up a bit now that he didn’t have to focus on looking ahead of him.  
And within ticks, the man was off to sleep.  
Oh. God.  
Lance woke up, immediately whimpering with tears mixing with the sweat he practically bathed in. It was gross, yeah.  
How long had he been sleeping? Three hours? Maybe seven?  
He sat up, and a wave of nausea washed over him. Oh geez.  
Lance could barely see, and his shirt clung to him.  
He definitely felt a whole lot worse, and Lance was honestly worried.  
A glass of water would probably help. Lance hadn’t had much to drink today, which was crucial to feeling better. That was his fault, but it was an easy fix.  
Lance stood up, but not for long.  
He fell against the wall and slid, a frustrated whine coming from the boy.  
He wanted someone to come and help him, he couldn’t do this.  
Lance wiped his face, hands shaking drastically, and sniffed. It hurt.  
He felt way too hot, like his insides were boiling as if they were in a personal hell.  
Lance could barely breath, his lungs gasping with each breath. That burned.  
“J-Just need some water…” He whimpered, steadily (not) getting to his feet and tripped out of his room. The wall became his best friend, but the lights, not so much.  
His barefeet stuck to the slick floor, and he wouldn’t be surprised if the loud breathing woke someone up. Maybe that was a good thing, he needed someone.  
There was something very wrong going on with him.  
As he stumbled, it got progressively worse. The fever was spiking to even more dangerous temperatures, and it kept getting harder and harder to breathe.  
Lance was seeing spots. He was so dizzy, the nausea overwhelming.  
And then he saw nothing.  
The blue paladin had fallen over, completely passed out.  
His chest rattled with each breath he tried to force out, and his fever still went ever higher.  
Lance was hotter than Arizona in the middle of July.  
Which wasn’t supposed to be a funny saying.  
It was Shiro who found him.  
It was Shiro who yelled for the others.  
It was also Shiro, who tried to get Lance to wake up.  
It was Shiro who was supposed to be the Dad.  
It was Shiro who was supposed to care for his ‘kids’. The other paladins.  
And here Lance lay, on the floor, so sick that he can’t function.  
Had Shiro been too late?  
This was more than just a head cold. More than anything he’d ever seen.  
It was just like Matt.


	12. Remember

Lance started to panic when he realized he couldn’t remember the sound of his mother’s voice.  
How would you feel, a voice that you’d heard since birth, suddenly forgotten?  
He could recall her face, from pictures of course, but not any of the details.  
Did she have wrinkles from smiling?  
How old was she now?  
Lance had gone off to the Garrison when he was in his late teens, and had been away for—  
How long had he been long?  
Lance set down his boots, sitting on the edge of his bed, catching his breath.   
He was appalled at himself, trying desperately to remember her voice.  
It was fruitless.  
He had his memories of course, plenty of them.  
Some more distinct than others, but still there.  
Lance remembered when it was just his big sister and himself, the games his mother used to play with the two of them.  
There had been this show, the American name was ‘Mommy and Me’.   
His parents taught both Spanish and English at a young age.  
Lance could remember crawling around on the floor with his sister, his mother clambering around them.   
‘The ants go marching one by one, hoorah, hoorah!’  
He smiled softly, humming the tune under his breath. It was one of his earliest memories.  
One of his most fondest.  
The blue paladin could never ever forget it.  
Recalling what had caused this sudden euphoric thinking?  
Keith.  
He had started yelling at Lance when the other had started talking about a past memory.  
The red paladin had called him selfish for ‘bragging’ about such a thing that others may not have had.  
Keith couldn’t remember his family, never had a true one.  
It wasn’t fair of Lance to talk about his in front of the mullet-haired boy.  
Lance had quickly gone silent after that, embarrassed by the outburst. He hadn’t meant to hurt Keith’s feelings. But also, the guy was kind of an emotional roller coaster.  
He took a shaky breath, rubbing his wet eyes.  
When had he started crying?  
Lance sighed, standing and started to change into his normal attire.  
It was hard, homesickness. Missing the ones who loved him and those he loved.  
But he knew he wasn’t the only one who felt like this.  
THAT was selfish, to think something as ridiculous than that.  
Although, Lance wouldn’t doubt if he was the one that felt it the strongest.   
At least personally. But he could be wrong.  
Suddenly he thought of his younger siblings. All six of them.  
He had been their protector, space explorer.   
Lance was their role model, guardian.  
He had a new baby sister who didn’t even know him yet.  
That absolutely broke Lance’s heart.  
He held his jacket now, remembering how he had gotten it from his father.  
The father who was supposed to be proud of the son who went to space, and came back to support his family with his fortune.   
The father who probably thought he was dead.  
He sniffled, hiccuping a little. Lance dearly missed his family. More than anything.  
Sure, he had Shiro who played a father role.  
Pidge was like his little sister.  
Hunk was basically brother, and maybe even Keith.   
Keith could be the cousin.  
Coran and Allura were even like his family.   
But deep down it wasn’t the same.  
They weren’t the ones he had left behind. They knew he was alive.  
Eventually, Lance calmed his nerves and stood up. Dinner would be soon.  
He ventured off to the dining area, and smiled a bit as he saw everyone gathered around it.  
Pidge was bickering with Hunk.  
Keith was talking with Shiro and Coran.  
Alurra was watching everyone with a fondness, and Lance sat beside her.  
The blue paladin may be homesick, missing his biological family horribly.  
But when he sat here, observing his friends, he realized he had a little family here.  
It wasn’t biological, but it was still family.  
Family didn’t have to be the people you grew up with, or the ones you shared parents with.  
Heck, most of the time family wasn’t even THAT.  
Family were the ones who would do anything to make sure you were okay, were there to have your back.  
The ones that cared about you, you could joke with.  
Family was those who you allowed into your life permanently because you loved them.  
Maybe he was closer to home than he truly believed.  
The thought made Lance smile.  
He was home, sort of. But you had to start somewhere, didn’t you?


	13. Mistakes

“How could you let this mistake happen, Lance?!” That was Pidge.  
“Idiot! Who ever thought it was a good idea to give someone like him a weapon?!” Keith…  
“You weren’t paying attention! AGAIN!” Allura.  
“Someone go get Shiro, quick!” That was Pidge again.  
Lance trembled where he stood, eyes wide and his jaw set. He stared at his best friend.  
Hunk lay next to Coran, the Altean keeping watch on him and did what he could.  
The yellow paladin had been shot, by none other than Lance’s own bayard gun.  
Lance had shot his best friend, by accident.  
The team had just been training, nothing too serious. Target practice, and then hand to hand.  
The blue paladin had been so focused on hitting his mark, not even noticing when someone told him to wait, didn’t even see Hunk run out until he had already taken the shot.  
Lance had shot Hunk.  
There had been a uniform malfunction when Hunk had been doing some hand-to-hand with Pidge, her little blade cutting through some material by accident.  
That hadn’t been a big deal, Hunk just needed to go and change so he could keep training with the correct protection. The man’s side had been completely unprotected when he started across the training room.  
Some would say it wasn’t Lance’s fault.   
Hunk should have known better than to cut across the room like that while others were using weapons and such.  
But everyone else had heard Coran’s order to halt, so Hunk could get by, except for Lance.  
So it WAS Lance’s fault, and the shouts of his friends echoing in his ears confirmed that.  
Lance was so caught up in trying to make his mark, to impress everyone.  
And because of that selfishness, his best friend was on the ground with his life dwindling.  
How did Lance let that happen? How could he have been so… so…  
Shiro came running in, having been working with the Black lion. “What happened?! Hunk, is he alright?” Keith had gone to get the black paladin, and must of given a quick run through.  
Immediately, before anyone even said something, Shiro looked at Lance. “Did you shoot him?”  
Lance’s blood ran cold.   
“His armor was ripped, I used my blade as an angle, but I tore his uniform. Coran called for a halt while Hunk went to go change, but then Lance…” Pidge trailed off, gnawing her lip and looked worriedly down at her injured partner.  
Allura finished for her, “Lance wasn’t listening, he shot when everyone else was stopped. Hunk was hit with the blast and now he is hurt.”  
Lance’s breathing caught in his throat.  
Something passed through Shiro’s eyes, but Lance couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was.  
Anger? Disappointment?  
“Keith, Coran, help me get him to a healing pod.” Shiro instructed. “Pidge, can you fix the armor while he’s in there?”  
Pidge nodded, eyes still wide and teary, before running off to get supplies.  
Lance suddenly could speak, though it was in a quiet, foreign voice. “W-What…” He swallowed, trying to get the words out. “…what can I do?”  
Keith started to growl, “You can—”  
“Keith, help Coran with Hunk.”  
Shiro and the other two started to Hunk, lifting up the groaning paladin. Shiro didn’t even look at Lance as he spoke towards hi, “Lance, just… How about you just stay away for a bit? Go to your bunk, clean up here, I don’t care. You’ve done enough harm, we don’t need anything else to happen.”  
And with that, they carried Hunk off, leaving Allura with Lance.  
The blue-eyed boy turned to her quickly, words spilling out. “Please, Please. I didn’t mean for this to happen— I— Can I help? What can I do? I’m s-so sorry, I was—” He tripped over his words, stuttering and desperate sounds escaping.  
Allura held up her hand, glaring. Silenced.   
“Lance, do as Shiro said. You should practice listening more.”  
Lance deflated, watching her go with tears forming in his eyes. This wasn’t supposed to happen.  
Guilt hit him like a train, and unfortunately that was only a figure of speech.  
Anger, despair, hatred for his own self came flooding out of the boy impulsively.  
Hunk was hurt, maybe even dead or dying.  
His best friend in the entire universe, his only true friend.  
If the yellow paladin died, it would be HIS fault. Lance would have killed his best friend.  
He was going to lose his best friend, even if the other survived.  
Hunk was bound to completely despise him after this.  
Who wouldn’t?  
He didn’t blame anyone though, Lance hated Lance too.  
Lance the screw up.  
Lance the idiot.  
Lance the seventh wheel.  
Lance was nothing.  
Call himself a sharpshooter?  
The title made him feel sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to be a shooter of anything.  
He had shot his best friend. That thought kept running around in his mind, repeating itsef over and over. He couldn’t believe it.  
But also of course he could.  
It only proved he was more useless than before. He shot his best friend out of recklessness and lack of paying attention?  
That was the Lance he knew and hated and loathed.   
So of course he could believe it.  
Besides…  
Lance expected no more of himself than to be a disappointment. Would you?


	14. Late to the Party

Lance held the sides of his head, taking slow, even breaths.  
“Ngh…” Lance groaned softly, sitting up and looking around. He was in the training room, right.  
His head ached, a dull pounding in the back of his head that pulsed in rhythm with his heartbeat.  
Recalling what happened? Well, Lance just got whacked upside the head.  
Literally.  
The blue paladin couldn’t recall what had distracted him; a weapons malfunction?  
All he knew was that suddenly the simulator bot had hit him, he was on the other side of the room, and his head was getting beat with a hammer.  
Okay, maybe that part wasn’t so literal. But it felt like that.  
Lance got to his feet, calling for the simulator to cease and for personal training to be over.  
Padding from the room as it went dark behind him, Lance rubbed his skull.  
He’d sported enough concussions as a young child to know, this was exactly that.  
“Ugh, seriously?” He winced as the lights came on with each step further into the hall he took, towards the kitchen area. Maybe there was some space ice or something to help with the bump.  
Thinking upon the matter, Lance was a little more annoyed with himself than usual.  
Irritated that he had messed up and injured himself in such a juvenile way.  
The blue eyed boy had been training out of anger in the first place, so messing up fueled it,  
Someone had compared him to Keith, pointed out his flaws, which always had the pilot wallowing in a lake of self pity.  
His blow didn’t help the battle that had already been going on in his head.  
A concussion seemed so minor compared to the semi-coma he’d gone into saving Coran from the rover blast so long ago.  
He could take a little headache, right? Definitely.  
Besides, if he couldn’t get through this, he shouldn’t be in this war anyway, now should he?  
The worst concussion he had ever had as a child anyway was when he fell off his bike and couldn’t move for a minute or two, which wasn’t as bad as it sounded at the time.  
“Lance!”  
The man flickered his head up, major movement hurt too much, seeing Shiro coming his way.  
“Pidge and Allura tracked a Galra spy, we need to go and take it out. Get to your lion, we’re leaving now!” Shiro patted his shoulder firmly, then rushed passed him to warn the others.  
Lance had to admit he was thankful for Shiro’s sturdy hand, cause Lance had been about to lose his balance completely.  
But there was still a mission, and now he had to suck up his pain and get to his lion.  
“Just have to tough through it, is all…” Lance mumbled, “I can do this…”  
He turned back the way he came, jogging not-so-gracefully, and Lance made for Blue.  
The mission was underway, and now that he had something to do he didn’t focus so much on his head.  
Yeah, he was going to be fine. Lance was feeling better already.  
“Alright, everyone, Let’s bust this crab!” He laughed, smirking at his reference. No one would get that, and if they did, Lance would hurl himself out of his lion.  
“Alright, we had a drill for this, everyone know what to do?” Allura asked, getting positive response from all parties. With a few orders here and there, they plunged into their attack on the ship that would be destroyed in a matter of minutes.  
The battle went successfully for the others, but escape still needed to be quick.Who knew when and/or if the small Galra group had back up on the way?  
That had been al it was, a small ship with only a small squadron of Galra soliders and fighter drones. It was smart, because if you were to spy you wouldn’t want a giant fleet on the Paladin’s tail.  
The red paladin was the one who noticed that Lance wasn’t following them towards the castle as they were making their escape.  
Lance hadn’t really completely recalled when he started to feel bad again, but it happened.  
He sat limply in his seat, breathing raggedly with his eyes lidded. “…..nn…”  
Lance could hear his friends and teammates asking for him within his helmet, but it seemed to cut in and out as he drifted through conscious and unconscious.  
That was alarming, even to Lance.  
“Wh…t’s ….ppening? Why…..n…t… respon…g?” That sounded like Shiro, but the injured blue paladin could not be completely positive about that.  
Keith had already turned his lion around, racing back towards his teammate, worry laced in his voice. Keith knew what was wrong, and felt horrible about it.  
“Lance was training earlier. He was hit, I saw. But we jumped into battle to fast I didn’t think to help him. He seemed fine.”  
Pidge spoke up, “Hit? What do you—”  
Lance couldn’t hear them anymore, and his eyes wouldn’t stay open long.  
Lance couldn’t take all the lights, all the noises, the way his head pounded.  
It was all fading in and out, and he felt like he was spinning.  
Lance may have thrown up, he wouldn’t doubt it.  
“Get to Lance! Hunk, guard him!”  
Lance couldn’t hear that, the ringing in his ears over powered it.  
He was going to die, wasn’t he?  
If he heard no one, no one was coming right?  
Lance didn’t hear his friends yelling at him to stay with him.  
“Bu—dy…”  
“L—nce!”  
“St…wi…us!”  
His eyes rolled back in his head, their blue disappearing behind his eyelids.  
Lance slumped over, and Blue growled, lit up her systems to keep him awake.  
It didn’t work.  
His brain was damaged, and it couldn’t function.  
Shiro and Keith didn’t make it in time.


	15. McClain

The little boy sat quietly in the rocking chair, covered in blankets and flipping through a little picture book. This little boy sat alone, legs folded, in a dimly lit room. Everything had an orange glow.  
It was raining outside, clouds hung heavy and dark in the early afternoon atmosphere.  
A dreary day, unless you were one who loved the rain. Thunder would clap loudly, but the child would only look outside with a seemingly awed expression. Thunder was so cool.  
Once, a particularly loud boom of Mother Nature’s wrath sounded out, and the little one cried out. Maybe that one was a little scary. He cowered under the covers, whimpering for his mother.  
And, as mothers do, she came to the rescue.  
“Hijo?” A woman said, peeking her head into the room to gaze at her youngest child out of three.  
That was, if you didn’t count the twins on the way. This woman was pregnant.  
Lance, the little boy, looked up with a sniff. He had a cold, or more-so, was recovering from one. And he may or may not have been a little teary from fright.  
His big, round blue eyes were full of curiosity, what could his mother want?   
“Lance, can you help me in the kitchen?” She asked, smiling at the child. It was a loving gesture, and one that allowed for distraction. The mother had heard her sons fright, and came to save the day.  
Immediately, the kid smiled, showing a missing front tooth. He loved to help her in the kitchen, and his book was getting boring anyway.   
“Sí, Mama!” With renounced energy, Lance untangled himself from the blankets.  
The child was a bundle of excitement, and he was at the stage where his limbs were starting to string out. He would be tall, like his father. The child fumbled, them fell off the chair and onto his bottom.  
“Oof! Mama, I fell!” He had a strong accent, not completely attuned to the English language yet.  
She peeked in again, making a face of surprise. “Oh, dear! Are you okay, little one?”  
Lance grinned, hopping up quickly and nodded. “Yes! I just felled a little bit.” He ran over to his mother, hugging onto her leg. “See? Okay!:  
The woman’s eyes crinkled at the corners, and the start of tiny crow’s feet appeared.  
“I see. You are so strong, Lance.” She gently caressed the top of his head, bending over to scoop him into her arms. “Now, will you help me?”  
The seven year old boy nodded, sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Yes. What can I do?”  
The woman smiled again, grabbing the end of her apron to clean the child’s face.  
“First, how about you go clean up? If you work in the kitchen, you must ot have any germs.” She advised the child with a slight warning, like this was a sacred rule.  
Lance shimmied from his mother’s arms and nodded, racing off to his bedroom. “I be right back! I’m gonna get clean, and then I help Mama!”  
This woman watched her son run off out of sight to his bedroom, and then turned back to the sink to finish the dishes. She knew the child would become preoccupied with many other things by the time he remembered to wash up.  
That was her Lance, her little son full of happiness and joy.  
It was devastating when she lost him.  
Lance had been off to the Garrison, to become the pilot that would make the family proud.  
He would go on missions, go to space, and be the explorer his younger siblings dreamed of.  
He was supposed to come back after six months.  
And he did, actually.  
But not physically.  
Lance Charles McClain, his mother’s oldest son, came back to her in the form of a letter.  
It wasn’t even a letter written by him; merely a default, typed letter.  
She stood in the living room with her two eldest daughter, Lance’s older sisters. The twins, and her youngest son stood at her feet.   
Tears were in her eyes, dark chocolate eyes skimming the crinkled paper.  
“We regret to inform you that…”  
It was screams after that. From all parties, in all forms.  
Screams of despair, agony, agony of a lost brother.  
Screams of anger, fault, of a fault that wasn’t true.  
“You let him go! Now look what happened! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”  
“Why did he go?! STUPID!”  
There were tears, many of them. There were sobs, and there was hurt.  
Lance was dead.  
The letter informed them of a crash at the Garrison, an escape.   
Lance hadn’t been in his bunk, and they presumed him dead after the search of the premises.   
He had died, with two other members.  
The mother, who had so fondly recalled of her eldest son, was now without.  
She would blame herself for years to come.  
She would set up a table in the living room, like a shrine to her lost child.  
She would hope, for the first few weeks, that her son was just missing.  
But when that week turned into a year, she would mentally deem him dead.  
The mother would be without her son.  
Her heart would break.  
She would become sick, and her remaining children would have to go each day watching their mother grow weaker and more sick. They would watch her die.  
Lance, who had been off adventuring as the Blue Paladin of Voltron, would come home nearly 3 years after he disappeared.  
And then the son, would be without his mother.


	16. Hush hush

Lance’s mental vision of himself had already been depleted as it was from the team’s comments, the fact that they kept going didn’t help.  
The blue paladin managed to uphold a smiling face, and joyful facade.  
He didn’t really have a choice.  
Talking was his escape, his distraction from any thoughts that threatened his alluded mind.  
Talk it off, focus on your words and not theirs.  
Lance would escape the sounds in his skull by talking above them. He’d usually be awarded with a snappy comment to shut up, or a glare.  
Don’t mind them, it’s not like they can make you shut up. And flirting around with Allura is fun.  
But the more he did it, the more they started to get more and more annoyed.   
Shiro even ordered him to remain silent at some point. It was shocking.  
The black paladin had shouted the order with a harshness that he didn’t even use with Slav.  
Lance had been shaken, a similar face as the one used when he was chastised by the Garrison head general. Iverson.  
He hadn’t spoken to his leader, nor around him, for the rest of the day. Lance was terrified to.  
On another day, Lance’s false confidence restored to mask the head space noise, Lance had decided to bicker around with Keith for the hell of it.  
That, also, went horribly wrong.  
The half-Galra boy had shoved Lance, told him to screw off somewhere else with people who would tolerate him.  
Except, the thing was, no one tolerated Lance.  
Pidge was seemingly unapproachable, always snapping at the Cuban, or ignoring his presence completely.  
Hunk wouldn’t even have his attention, nor Coran. Even THEY were annoyed by his usual antics.  
Everyone else reacted in similar ways.  
Lance had been able to make a mental list in his head, every single way the team had told him to shut up.  
They echoed in his head, slowly driving him into an unnoticed madness.   
“Do you have an off button?”  
“How is it humanly possible to talk that much?”  
“Just because you have nothing better to do with your life than talk, doesn’t mean I am willing to waste mine, listening to you!”  
“Do I need to pay ransom to get you to zip your mouth?”  
Lance would retire to his room each evening, stay up all night, rocking slowly and would not allow himself to cry.  
Crying made noise.  
He started to go silent all together, only asking a question here and there. Sometimes he got an actual answer   
Most times he didn’t even get to finish asking.  
It was getting to the boy, and it was making very negative thoughts course through his brain.  
If he was dead, he would make no noise at all. That would please everyone, wouldn’t it?  
Maybe if he screamed loud enough, his vocal chords would fail and he’d become mute.   
Lance constantly found his hand at his throat, the other stuff his mouth. He wanted to stop.  
Slip a noose around I’m his neck to shut him up.   
Put a knife under his throat to cut out the sound.  
Stuff his mouth full of whatever he could find in Coran’s medical supply, render him unable to speak.  
All of those sounded like excellent options, and the fuzzy noise in his head agreed.  
But then there was the universe.  
Lance needed to go on, because there were too many people to save. And he also knew that he had a job to do.  
The blue paladin stood blankly now, away from the group. They had landed on a planet of a species who specialized in any form of medical work.  
They had stopped here to obtain supplies.   
Months of fighting evil Galran ships and bots would come with a lot of bandages.  
He had snuck off, they were there for couple of days anyway. Of course, his absence went unnoticed.  
And based on what he could hear being said between Paladins through his helmet, they assumed he was off to ‘…Bother another innocent race….’   
More comments about maybe Lance’s excessive talking was how Zarkon always found them.  
Or that Voltron should defend everyone’s hearing, and horrible jokes if the like.  
It made up Lance’s mind.  
In the following days, they left the planet and we’re back in course throughout the universe to save whoever they could.  
The break seemed to bring everyone back to spirits, no longer cramped within the castle with no breaks.  
Hunk started to talk with Lance again, but the blue paladin would only a slight smile if anything.  
Shiro would give the blue paladin praise every once in awhile, which Lance would not react to. That was the first thing that worried everyone.  
Nearly a week had passed and their usually lively, talkative friend had gone radio silent.  
At first they had thoughthe was sick, a sore throat maybe. Then they suspected he was just tired.  
But even Keith, who didn’t give hide nor hare about Lance most of the time, decided it was getting too unlike him.  
So the red Paladin approached him about it.  
Keith asked Allura for a pen and paper, it something like it, and offered them to Lance as he sat in the kitchen.  
“Lance, the others are worried. Tell us what’s going on, write it down, something. For once, I want you to talk.” Keith said, sliding the paper over.  
A sad smiled formed on the boys lips as he looked at Keith. It was a look of exhaustion, and pure… nothing.  
With a delicate, calm hand, Lance finally started to write. It was a sad moment for him.  
No one had noticed the faint white scar, magically healed, across his throat.   
No one noticed that Lance was drinking more than usual, healing from the procedure.  
Finally, he slid the paper back to Keith, who red the scribbles in blue ink.  
You would never see someone go so pale, so quickly, the way Keith did in that moment.  
The note read:  
‘I didn’t want to annoy you anymore, so I had my vocal cords removed on the last planet.’


	17. Mind and Soul

Lance loved to dance.  
The simplicity, yet complexity, of moving one’s body in tune to just mere words and instruments. It was an art.  
He especially loved the music that became the dance.  
Music is an escape for nearly everyone, no matter the genre, or the person. Also, everyone has their own respectful idea of what music truly is.  
Music can be merely a small tapping of the hand, a hum under one’s breath as they listened intently to the sounds around them.  
Music could be loud and obnoxious and invading, music with intent to truly reach one’s soul and rejuvenate them.  
Soothing the mind if the days toils and allowing oneself to be immersed in a while new dimension.  
Music could be a voice. Or a sound. Not singing, nor a tune, no. Music can be a loved one’s voice, speaking softly and in just the right way.  
You couldn’t dance to it, no.  
But your heart could.  
Lance could feel his heart dancing to his mother’s voice, had felt it since he was a small child.  
He would be cradled, barely a few months old, in his mother’s arms as she spoke to him in a language he could not yet comprehend.  
Her voice was soft, sweet. His heart could sound slowly and dance to the waves of her voice.  
It was the most beautiful voice he had ever heard. That he would ever hear.  
The blue eyed boy grew up on music.  
Maná, Enrique Iglesias, and so many others.  
He even got into more English speaking bands, though most of his interests were cringey.  
The point was, music played a bigger role in his life, in everyone’s lives, than most come to truly think.  
Music could bring people together, but also rip them apart. The way lyrics molded together to evoke such feeling, such passion.  
People paid for music, repeatedly.  
You wouldn’t buy the same movie over and over, or play it over and over, just because that dog dying was something you could relate to.  
No, that wasn’t the same.  
The pain wouldn’t always be there, it wouldn’t be the same repeatedly. Movies got old.  
Music didn’t, as it was always evolving.  
Your tastes could change, you could find new lyrics, but you’d always love it.  
It was truly an amazing thing.  
Lance lost music when he went to space, or at least his music. The music he grew up on.  
He couldn’t connect to the Altean tune, the unknown language. The foreign beat.  
How are you supposed to feel, relate, connect to something you don’t understand?  
Without his music, Lance was a little quieter than usual. Not completely out of it, but just not his truly normal self.  
It hadn’t bothered him I much when his career as a paladin originally took over his life.  
Everything was so hectic and active that there was never time to think about music or to think of listening to it. No time to remember.  
But as the weeks turned to months and everything started to cool down, Lance found himself longing for the sound once again.  
A tune to fill the air, a beat to tap to, something to sway his hips along with.  
Music.  
The team noticed this of course.  
Sometimes Lance would mention something about music, or maybe about a particular sound he liked.  
In all honesty, they missed it too.  
So one day, when Lance was having an especially hard day, the team got together and they made it up to him.  
Pidge managed to do some tech magic, and compiled a list of some of the favorite songs and sounds Lance had mentioned.  
Sound of rain.  
Traffic in the mornings.  
A few favorite songs.  
Recess, or children playing at a park to remind him of his childhood.  
Keith and Shiro, even though they didn’t need to, made a sort of dance room out of the training arena for the day.  
Hunk was the one who delivered the surprise.  
Lance had reacted well.  
Unless you count bursting into tears a bad reaction. But they were happy tears.  
Everyone had an amazing time.  
The music was never turned off, the sounds were played louder.  
Lance laughed and danced and interacted with everyone. The smile he wore was genuine, and in that hadn’t been seen in awhile.  
The music was playing, the best pounding deep within him. His friends were with him.  
And ya know what?  
Lance was happy.


	18. Warmth Within the Memories

“Hey, Mama…”  
Lance McClain stood in front of the stone, his blue eyes the only true color in the dull November scenery. Trees in the midst of shedding their crumbled brown leaves, grass dead beneath the soles of his sneakers.  
He wore his father’s jacket, a yellow scarf wrapped up around his neck and slender hands shoved into his pockets for warmth. The boy stood in absolute silence, eyes searching the dull rock in front of him like he was awaiting a response.  
There was none.  
He chuckled shortly, breath billowing out in front of him like the smoke from a cigarette, sniffling from his tinted red nose.  
“I know how much you loved Thanksgiving, Ma. I promised you I’d have my whole family to be celebrating my thanks with today, even the crazy cousins….”  
He scoffed to himself, shaking his head with a smirk. Lance rubbed the scar along his jaw, eyes thoughtfully examining the dead flowers.  
“But, Mama, it’s not the whole family without you…”  
His mind shifted, towards his mother and father. The ones who brought him up.  
To his little brother, sitting atop a high chair and barely half a year old. Himself, only just hitting childhood.  
~  
“Mama!” The bright eyed boy ran up to his mother in the kitchen, cheeks tinted pink and his little nose scrunched.  
She looked down at her eldest son, gasping. “Oh dear, you’ve gotten leaves all over you, hijo!” She smiled with a shake of her head. “What am I going to do with you, all dirty before dinner? Go wash up.”  
Lance grinned, and instead of obeying her wish, he dragged over a chair from the table and clambered onto it to stand next to his mother. “Pie!”  
She smiled sweetly, “Not yet, this is for dinner. Do you want to help me?”  
Immediately, Lance nodded. “Apple?”  
His mother hummed in affirmation, “And blueberry, for your father.” Her flour washed hands patting gently at the dough, creating perfect little folded crescents. She watched her son with a gentle gaze, small little direction here and there.  
“Wash your hands.”  
“Okay, Mama.”  
“Stir the sugar into the blueberries, like this.”  
“Okay, Mama.”  
As the smell of baking pies filled the home, it was time for Mr. McClain to return home.  
“Hello, dear!” Mrs. McClain called from the kitchen upon hearing his arrival, “Lance and I are in here!”  
Lance’s father grinned, slipping off his work boots, and made way for the kitchen.  
Not before crouching in the living room, where little baby brother played on his back, doing whatever infants do.  
“Hey there…” The parent cooed, rubbing the baby’s stomach, “Doesn’t it smell so nice in here? Mom and Lance are baking.”  
“Dad!” Lance called from the kitchen, “Our pies are done!”  
Mr. McClain grinned wider, grunting as he got to his feet and went to the kitchen, exaggerating a sniff of the air.  
“Oh my, you two must have been working all morning. These pies…oh! Do I smell blueberry?” He smiled at his son, bringing his wife into his side with an arm around her middle and kissed her head.  
“Welcome home, love.” She hummed, hands hovering over her work on another pie crust.  
“Mm.” The adult responded, listening to Lance babble on about the pies and other delicious food they had been making today for their Thanksgiving.  
“….and we’re gonna make cranberry sauce right outta the pan, Dad! Then Mama said we were gonna go to the store, a-and buy special tasting baby food for the baby so he can have some too because he’s too little for our food…and…and…” the child continued his happy vent of Thanksgiving excitement.  
Maybe he’d grow up to like cooking.  
Or surround himself with friends, or a friend, who did.  
Before the McClain’s knew it, the Thanksgiving day parade was on the television. The small box with antennae sticking out at the top like antlers, dials along the side.  
Lance sat on his knees in front of it, face inches away and blue eyes glued. He’d call out a couple times, commenting on celebrities or how cool the floats were. Mr. and Mrs. McClain chuckled at their son, the youngest member of the family cradled in the mother’s arms.  
The dinger went off on the crock pot, and she announced dinner minutes afterwards.  
“Lance, did you hear your mother? Scrub your face and wash up.” Mr. McClain instructed.  
The child was quick to do as his father told him, hobbling off to the sink to clean his hands. A little hum escaping him, some song he’d heard on his Dad’s radio.  
“… Dame más…gasolina….”  
The proud father looked to his son, recognizing the song with a grin and ruffled his son’s hair. Maybe it wasn’t the best song for a young kid, but oh well. “Attaboy, maybe later I’ll let ya stay up and watch the game with me?”  
Lance’s features lit up, “Yeah yeah!!!”  
Mr. McClain lifted Lance, carrying him to the table and plopped him in his seat. He started getting the baby into his highchair while Mrs. McClain set the table, steaming servings of various foods set out.  
“Eh!” exclaimed the baby as Lance handed him a little bread roll. “Mmb.”  
The mother smiled at her sons, sitting down in unison with her husband. “Let’s say grace, boys.”  
All except for the infant, the family bowed their heads and folded their hands. Admittedly, the little blue eyed Lance was peeking a little.  
“I’m thankful that I get to spend another amazing Thanksgiving with my boys, and that the baby is here with us this year to celebrate along.” Lance’s mother said.  
Her husband went next, “I’m thankful for my job, and that it pays well enough to allow us to have another great meal like this one. I’m proud to have our newest son this year, and that Lance didn’t destroy the kitchen making pie.” He and Mrs. McClain chuckled. “Your turn, Lance.”  
The boy perked, “I’m thankful for Mama and Dad and my baby brother.” He hesitated, “And for pie.”  
“Thank you. Ame—”  
“Eeeee!” The baby squealed.  
“Mama. You forgot bubby!” Lance said, looking up from his hands. The adults chuckled.  
“Of course, your turn, little one.”  
The baby responded by shoving his almost shredded bread roll into his gummy jaws, giggling.  
“Amen.”  
~  
Lance sniffed, almost not realizing the warm tears making their way down his cheeks.  
“… I miss you, Mama. I didn’t come back to be without you…” He rasped out, his throat raw from the sudden emotion clawing at it.  
He swallowed thickly, pulling a bottle from his pocket and took a long drink of it. He let the warm beverage trickle down his throat.  
Better. Apple cider was always better.  
Lance, hands shaking, removed them from his pockets and went to the heart chain that hung around his neck.  
A simple thing. Yet it meant so much.  
The blue eyed male squeezed it in his hand for a moment, then let it drape across his mother’s headstone, where it’s final resting spot would be.  
A shiver passed through his bundled up form, breath puffing in front of him, and he thought of spirits of those who weren’t with their loved ones on this holiday.  
From beyond the grave, with his hand on Lance’s shoulder, his mother stood


	19. The Universe is a Pretty Big Place

Upon starting this hell of a life, Lance had only known Keith for a few days. Wasn’t even close to him, Keith barely (truly) knew him.  
Lance had his own issues to deal with as they started that life in space, as he became the blue paladin, and as he defended the universe alongside the team.  
Who wouldn’t?  
Even Superman had to start at the bottom, had to get through some rough patches.  
It may not sound literal in the sense, then again what was, but if this job taught him anything it was that everyone had problems.  
Aliens.  
Enemies.  
Mice.  
Everyone, it was a simple fact.  
And when you think of it hard, in the terms of the universe, your problems seem so much smaller than what everyone in the universe is facing.  
People are so.incredibly small in the grand scheme of things that sometimes they don’t feel their problems are truly significant.  
That THEY aren’t significant.  
Lance felt this way, like the seventh wheel, the one who couldn’t get over it. It was a horrible feeling that would start in his mind and then to his stomach, then his hands, before reaching his eyes.  
Sometimes it would completely take over and Lance wouldn’t know how to react, it would all blow up on him.  
It was a similar blow up as the one he defended Coran from, except internal.  
So very internal, which was another problem.  
Lance couldn’t voice his problems, and when he did he played it off as jokes or humorous reassurance. Usually that soothed everyone from asking.  
Except Keith.  
Keith would always ask.  
Lance had been aware that they both hated each other and we’re not on good terms. These kind moments from Keith were supposed to just be a human interaction in which one needs comfort.  
Nothing more.  
But Lance couldn’t help but believe that maybe Keith genuinely cared, maybe even truly noticed his struggle that only got worse every day.  
So Lance went to him with his problems, for he was the only one who would listen to him.  
The others couldn’t be blamed, really.  
Everyone was so busy facing their own struggles and the struggles of the rest of the universe. Lance understood that completely.  
It didn’t make anything much easier though, and he hated to admit that. It made him feel selfish.  
He probably was.  
But wouldn’t you, if you had someone who was willing to listen, confide in them because there was no one.else you believed would?  
In the whole universe?  
Lance just had to look at him, near tears, and Keith would grab his arm and they’d sit in the halls and would talk. Just talk.  
Now, don’t start getting the wrong thing. The blue Paladin didn’t go to the red every time the chemicals in his head got a little more unbalanced than usual.  
He didn’t go to Keith until it was really bad.  
Pulling his hair, trembling, near sobs bad.  
Which is why Keith obliged, because as a human being the red Paladin could not watch another break.  
It had been a particularlytroublesome week for everyone then. Allura had been taken prisoner by the Galra on a trip with Shiro.  
They had to get her, they had to protect the universe and themselves. They couldn’t wormhole.  
With everyone so uneasy and snappy, it would be clear that problems would grow.  
And frankly, Keith didn’t want to deal with it on top of all the stress. His in, the others, all of it.  
He’d already dealt with Lance a few times since the Princess was taken, but he hadn’t listened like he usually did.  
Lance noticed that the first day, and assumed he was just tired so he let it by. And then it kept happening, and Lance wasn’t being listened to.  
Keith didn’t hear how Lance told him his problem was that the blue paladin was scared he was losing Keith.  
They were friends.  
Lance couldn’t risk Keith leaving that, becoming what they were before after everything.  
It was a night where Lance had been woken up after a nightmare. A nightmare with Keith.  
As Lance described it to the other, nearly 4:30 in the morning, it shook him harder than the initial feeling when he woke up.  
Keith had shut him in the airlock, just stared at him, and told him he wasn'tgoing to listen to him anymore.  
That there were already enough problems in this universe that he should just become apart of it, cause he was such a problem.  
And then the red Paladin had opened it, ignoring Lance’s screams and cries, casting the boy out into nothingness.  
Recalling the dream made it hard to breathe, remembering the anxiety and how Lance couldn’t breathe. He sobbed. Lance held his head in his hands.  
But Keith had had enough.  
He blew up on the other.  
Keith yelled at Lance and told him his issues were old, that it was always the same thing.  
He yelled about how he was done babying Lance and that the other should grow up.  
Keith made fun of his tears, and told him to screw off. He’d left Lance sitting there in the hallway.  
He didn’t know.  
As he walked away from Lance, the mullet haired boy didn’t know what he was doing.  
What was happening to Lance.  
The blue Paladin passed out minutes later after a panic attack, would be found by Shiro in the morning.  
Keith would never know that he made Lance’s horrible thoughts a reality and tarnished their relationship for years to come.  
Lance couldn’t hold grudges, but he could be broken. Just as every human could be.  
Keith broke him.


	20. Child’s Play

It happened in an accident when he was three years old. He’d been at the park, playing with his big brothers and sisters.  
Someone threw mulch.  
And it down spiraled from there.  
Horribly, horribly.  
Lance couldn’t remember much, not even the way it felt. He remembered the last thing he saw was his family’s smiling faces, and the next thing he heard was their screaming.  
And his own.  
He barely recalled the hospital trip at this age, but remembered the fear it induced.  
Lance remembered how many noises there were, and strange voices, but never was able to see what was going on.  
He would never see what was going on, from that moment on.  
From the age of three, to now, in his late teens, Lance was legally blind.  
Blind.  
If he were to take out the colored contacts, his blue eyes would change completely.  
They would be a dull blue, but broken up. You’d be able to see the scratches on his eyes that stayed forever from the mulch that entered them almost twenty years ago.  
He wore the contacts to hide that, so he would appear normal. And it worked.  
Like most people, Lance adapted to his lack of sight over the years.  
He used his hearing and touch mostly, which was typical.  
By the time he was eight years old Lance could get around with no problem, like his sight was never gone.  
He was a normal happy kid.  
At age thirteen he started practicing flight without his vision. By sixteen years old he was about as good as a pilot with basic flight knowledge.  
Not the best around, by far.  
But for being blind?  
Someone give the poor kid a medal.  
Hunk was the only other one that knew of the blue paladins disability, but he paid no mind.  
Lance wasn’t different than anyone else in the long run. Well, he was, but he didn’t even act like he had the disability.  
It didn’t phase him at all.  
But then was the day where his contact ripped, and there was nothing to replace it.  
Lance stood in front of his cabinet, frantically feeling around for an extra pack, anything.  
There was nothing.  
“No no no…” Lance’s heart beat skyrocketed and he shook his head.  
This wasn’t happening.  
He had no time to go to Hunk and see what he could do to help.  
Space probably didn’t even have the resource for a type of contact. Did it?  
Lance was so screwed.  
He didn’t know how he looked, obviously, but he had an idea. He’d probably scare the others.  
The other paladins didn’t know about his disability. Lance didn’t want them to think less of him, or worse, kick him off the team.  
There was no time to have a breakdown here. He needed to get to training, there would be a mission in two days time and it was crucial.  
He took a shaky breath.  
And he went.  
Lance kept his gaze down, hoping that he had his eyes low enough that they couldn’t be seen.  
Hunk met him first, frowning. “You okay, buddy?” He stood away from the others from where Lance entered.  
The blue paladin looked up slowly, and knew Hunk saw his eyes when he saw his eyes.  
“Where are your contacts?” Hunk asked.  
Lance shook his head, “Broke.”  
He ducked his head, glancing away. Anxiety was building up and it was started to get at him.  
From across the training room, Lance could hear the rest of the team talking about the sort of training they’d be doing.  
Close combat. Great.  
Shiro’s voice rang out across the room, “Hunk! Lance! We’re starting training. Hunk, you’re facing me.”  
Hunk patted Lance’s shoulder and nodded. “Sure, boss!” He joked.  
Lance had to stand off to the side, listening to the sound of his friend and leader engaged in combat.  
He couldn’t stop thinking about how horribly wrong everything was about to go.  
Whoever he versed was going to see his eyes and then….  
“Lance, you are facing Keith.”  
His heart stuttered, he had to find his breathing, then he stepped forward.  
Of course it was Keith.  
Keith, the one who hated him and would be most likely to call him out for it.  
Everything slowed down as he approached his mark and stood parallel to Keith.  
“Ready, McClain?” He sneered.  
Lance took a breath, readying his stance, and looked up. He smirked unevenly, “A-As I’ll ever be.”  
Here it comes.  
“What the—”  
Lance flinched, hearing Keith gasp and a hint of horror in the undertone of the sound. “Lance, you’re—”  
His heart stopped and sweat formed on his forehead and any excuse started to sputter from his mouth.  
But then…  
…everyone was standing around him and hugging him, patting his back.  
He was so confused.  
Lance felt all his friends, and then he heard them.  
They were telling him that it was okay and that they didn’t think any less of him.  
Hunk must have done something.  
That was Hunk.  
When everyone came away from around him, he had tears in his eyes and he was grinning.  
Lances anxiety about the situation disappeared completely. They didn’t care.  
Pidge and Keith had set up their reaction set up, but confirmed that Lance had nothing he had to initially worried about.  
They accepted him and loved him all the same. Lance’s heart soared and he couldn’t stop grinning.  
Hey.  
Maybe he’ll come out as gay next.


	21. Last Page in the Book of Blue

There are never such things as fresh starts, because the past will never leave you. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you’ve done.  
It can be forgotten, that much is certain.  
But never completely gone.  
By logic, the past cannot be redone or erased.  
What has happened has happened.  
It can stop hurting, but the pain would still be there, always had been.  
Like scratch, those skin cells are gone, but just because something else took their place doesn’t mean they were never there.  
Lance could start over every day, but the past would always be there. He left his family not by choice, and he would live with that.  
That was the past, but also the present.  
It was thoughts like these that had him sitting up at night, as he was now. Lance never thought of anything in particular.  
He just… thought.  
And here he was now, the blue paladin locked in a cell, huddled in the corner with his limbs cuffed.  
Past mistakes, affected his present.  
It wouldn’t come as a surprise that Lance had screwed up yet again. Only this time on a much granderscale than ever before.  
The blue paladin had gotten himself captured.  
By none other than Lotor.  
Big mean man himself.  
Lance winced, the thought of the despicable being and the touch his hand brought had the blue eyed boy thinking back.  
It had been awful.  
When Lance had first been captured Lotor was kind, and patient. He made offers with Lance and compromises.  
But as Lance became more and more insubordinate, the purple skinned guy did not react well.  
It started to get physical.  
It started as just minor slaps to the face then those progressively turned to punches.  
The kicks to his side turned into kicks to the side of Lance’s head, his face, place of the like.  
All of it got worse the more and more Lance refused to give information or to oblige to Lotor’s orders.  
This was his last and final mistake.  
And it was Lotor’s too.  
Maybe his evil blooded self hadn’t paid attention to how hard he was kicking Lance.  
The toy he would break in an attempt to get it to work, but to no prevail.  
Maybe Lotor hadn’t realized just how much sir he’d restricted from Lance when his gloves hand had been tight around his throat.  
The way Lance’s eyes had bulged, dear coursing through him as he had expected death.  
It never came.  
Lotor had just ended up turning on his feet and sauntering out, angrily. Leaving his toy on the floor while he went to go throw a tantrum.  
He wouldn’t know until later that he had broken the thing. He had broken Lance.  
Lance coughed feebly, tasting the awful metallic in his mouth. He wheezed.  
Something in his neck must have been screwed up because he couldn’t find his breath. It all came up as blood.  
He groaned.  
Lance wished he still had his helmet.  
He could stand goodbye.  
Say goodbye to everyone, and apologise for not being the friend he could’ve been. A better Paladin.  
Say goodbye to his family, and apologise for disappearing. At least now their thoughts would be confirmed and he actually would be dead.  
Tears filled his eyes.  
They were hot and messy despitehis pained condition and they were sincere.  
Lance thought about dying a lot.  
So much that it would probably be concerning.  
But now that he was here and the whole thing was actually happening? God he was scared.  
So very very scared, and he didn’t want it to happen. Lance wanted to be alive and not in this stupid place with stupid Lotor.  
His heart skipped a beat and it scared the hell out of him because he truly felt that throughout his.whole body.  
He had to look on the bright side.  
It was an ironic thing to say since everything was going so very very dark.  
Lotor couldn’t hurt him when he’s dead.  
Lance would be free of the pain he had been forced to endure.  
That’s all Lance needed to think.  
He turned on his side, whimpering softly and closed his eyes. It would be okay.  
Dying was something everyone would have to face sometime, and it was inevitable.  
Lance’s favorite way to describe life was like a book. In this situation, all books came to an end.  
His ending was now.  
The book of coming to a close and these last few minutes were the final page. There was always anxiety when you got to the final page.  
So many things could happen within one paragraph. Would there be a happy ending? Would it be a cliffhanger?  
Lance felt his breath leave him, and a wave of warm relaxation fog over his mind.  
What was the ending?


	22. Stupid Love

Lance had to admit that sometimes he hated love. It was so complicated and at the same time could be something so simple that it was insane.  
He hated the fact that he could be so absolutely enthralled by a person he hadn’t even known that long.  
Lance had been thrown into this space race nearly…what was it?  
A week ago? Maybe a few days and a week? He’d lost track, it felt like years.  
And maybe the things he was experiencing feeling were irrational.  
A week wasn’t supposed to be long enough to become so absolutely attached to a human being, heck.  
Was he being desperate? Was he just a hormonal teenager lost at space? God, it was all so confusing.  
Lance sat up in bed, feeling his stomach a little queasy. But that wasn’t the first thing he thought of upon consciousness , no, far from it.  
He didn’t even notice how sore his arms were, what the day was, or the time.  
This stupid little brain of his went to THAT person. The person he had only truly known for a week but was head over heels over.  
When Lance woke up, the first thing he thought was of them, and then the pain it brought to his heart. They were the first thing he thought of when he awoke, and the last thing he thought of when he fell asleep.  
It was the most painful thing ever.  
Good pain.  
He glanced over at his helmet, wondering if anyone was awake and listening. Sometimes the others were on at ungodly hours.  
What time was it?  
Lance put his helmet on at 3:11 am, and wouldn’t take it off again until after 4 am.  
And ya know what? He didn’t have a problem with that at all. It made his heart swell and mood soar.  
His human was awake, and maybe they were both sleepy but that was alright.  
Their brains kept one awake for the other, and woke the other up for the other. That was crazy, and hella cliche.  
They talked for awhile, as they always did.  
Lance could talk to this person for hours, and would never ever tire. He talked about anything, everything.  
The blue eyed boy only knew him for a week and it felt like years, like they’d known each other for 83 years.  
But everything must come to an end.  
People needed to sleep, for many reasons. To get better, to feel better.  
Lance said goodnight, and took off his helmet and set it aside. He was still grinning. Always.  
He shimmied down under the sheets, nuzzling his face into his pillow and sighed.  
His heart had a good kind of hurt.  
The paladin wanted nothing more than to admit everything to this very special person. They sort of had, during the hour long chat.  
Lance was into this person, so absolutely into him that it hurt.  
They clouded his mind and wouldn’t leave. He was hooked, line and sinker.  
Lance didn’t mind.  
He hated drugs, for reasons that didn’t matter right now. But GOD he was an addict for this being.  
Yeah, the one he’d only known for a week.  
Lance glanced at his helmet, wondering if they were still awake like he was. Probably not.  
Beauty sleep is necessary and even Lance knew that one. Even if most of the time he lacked on the subject.  
He felt tears well in his eyes and he shifted so he was hugging his pillow with the blankets over his shoulders.  
Shit shit shit.  
Frick frick frick.  
Hnnnnnngggh.  
Lance was screwed, bolted to the wall.  
He was stuck here, and for some reason he was thinking of the cartoon with a sponge that he watched as a kid.  
He smiled as he thought of frappes.  
Wow, minds really go everywhere at this time in the morning. 4:43 am.  
The tears trickled down his cheeks and he was grinning so wide, trying to stay quiet because the other paladins were in the rooms nearby.  
He was a mess.  
Pkeaset have mercy on his soul.  
Lance was probably gonna be slapped for saying and thinking all this, but this was the only way he could express it.  
If anyone could hear the thoughts he expressed they would be so confused. And they probably are.  
But the person, THAT person, knows the true meaning behind all of this nonsense.  
Love is a funny thing, and it’s uncontrollable. Love, which Lance remembered googling once:  
an intense feeling of affection.  
a person or thing that one loves.  
Now Lance knew that Google wasn’t as he had thought it had been. By far.  
Because, sure, that was apart of love.  
But it wasn’t what love really was.  
Love defined by Lance?  
A choice to act in the best interest of the object of your love. That was love.  
Lance would do absolutely everything for this human and he was so damned. But that was fine.  
They deserved every bit of it, everything good in the world. He loved everything about them.  
Imperfectly perfect, the blue paladin liked to call it. There was no denying.  
He felt the tears start to slow, and Lance’s heart started not to hurt so much. He didn’t have to be with this person in order to love them this much, or care.  
Sure, it’d be nice. But it wasn’t mandatory.  
As long as Lance still had them to talk to when he woke up or stayed awake at awful hours, had their words to comfort him in his times of need.  
When there was no one else.  
As long as Lance had this person to talk to for hours on end just to prove he knew all the lyrics to an impossible song.  
As long as Lance had this person, even just as a friend, as a partner in crime.  
Then Lance thought that sounded pretty okay. It was more than pretty okay.  
He wouldn’t be in as bad if a place, his self deprecating thoughts wouldn’t be so strong.  
Lance had someone, and he focused on that. Did he mention he was screwed?  
Yeah, Lance was screwed.


	23. Que Panic

Lance couldn't help the fact he was sick.

But he also didn't have to let the fact that he was sick get his day off to a bad start.

Who said it was a mandatory thing to be in a bad mood when you came down with the big bad sickness?

Lazing around, snack foods, people are more willing to do things for him, yummy foods? 

That sounded pretty good, even if you had some aches and sniffles.

That's all Lance had ever come done with.

Colds, fevers, everything normal people came down with. 

They were common so Lance didn't treat them like the end of the world.

"You okay there, buddy?" Hunk asked at breakfast that morning when he noticed the blue pals in sitting next to him didn't look very interested in his space goo.

Lance looked up, smiling, "Just under the weather. I think that rainy planet we were on yesterday gave me a cold."

Shiro pointed his spoon accusingly at Lance, "What did I tell you?"

Lance sighed, setting down his fork and rolled his eyes. " 'Don't run in the rain, son, you'll catch yourself a cold!' Yes, Dad, I know."

Shiro gave a disapproving eyebrow raise, but his cheeks were slightly tinted at the imitation.

"Are we training today?" Pidge spoke up from her computer, pushing up her glasses. 

Keith looked up from his breakfast, interested now and paid attention to the conversation.

"Yes." Allura said, entering the room and all eyes went to her. "I've arranged you all into pairs. You will take the skills you learned from last weeks training and using them to fight each other."

Hunk tilted his head, "Fight?"

Shiro filled him in, "Yes, but there are restrictions. No drawing blood, and no blades. And don't aim for the head."

Hunk nodded, and Keith looked disappointed.

Lance coughed slightly into his shirt before he spoke up, "Who are the partners?"

It turns out the partners were new this time, and the Paladins and the Alteans stood in a circle.

"You will be partnered with the person standing opposite you. So you won't be facing friends." Coran said, "But since we're all friends here, you'll be facing someone you're least likely to train with."

Lance and Keith's jaws dropped.

"You're going down, mullet!" Lance said, but found his voice was a little hoarse and he coughed.

"Yeah right, you've got the plague. It'll be like pushing an old lady down."

Hunk suddenly looked worried, "You haven't done that, right, Keith?"

Keith opened his mouth, "Of---"

"Hunk and Shiro! You're first." Allura announced, and everyone stepped back to watch the two.

As Lance sat, watching Hunk and Shiro strife it out, his head started to feel stuffy and body warmer. 

When Pidge went up to face Keith, he had his head in his arms resting on his knees.

Wow, what a crash.

Lance had dozed off wen he felt someone shake his shoulder, and with a light cough Lance lifted his head. "Hn...?"

Pidge stood, looking a little worried. "You don't look so good."

Hunk, who was coming back from getting a drink, looked at Lance and nodded. "She's right, I'm sure Allura and Shiro would---"

Lance raised a hand and stood up slowly. "I'm good, I got this. Keith is gonna get his ass kicked."

As the blue paladin stumbled to the center of the room everyone looked uncertain but didn't protest.

Lance said he was okay, they weren't going to question him and let him do his thing.

Keith smirked as his rival approached, "You ready, McClain?"

The red paladin was confused as Lance just smirked weakly in response to his comment.

The fight didn't go down quite as expected, in the sense that all Lance did was side step the other boy.

Shiro was watching closely, worried.

Keith finally got frustrated enough, tripping Lance just as a simple defeat. He grinned when Lance went down.

"Got ya McClain."

The others started to clap, like they did with all the other plays. Then critique would come.

Except, you can't critique someone who doesn't respond to you.

Lance was still on the ground.

Keith turned around slowly, and Shiro was rushing to Lance and to his side.

Lance still wasn't moving.


	24. In Your Dreams

Lance had a dream.  
He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone about it, it was something too… the blue paladin didn’t know the word.  
But he had tried to shove it in the back of his mind and let his day carry on.  
But it was itching, nagging, growing, clawing. At some point it had reached Ito his system and stolen his breath and he couldn’t breathe.  
It was just a dream.  
Lance had been late this morning when he woke up, which was unusual in itself.  
One, because he wasn’t one to usually sleep that well. Although ever since he had met THEM, his sleeping habits have gotten better.  
And two, he knew his ass would be slaughtered by Allura or maybe even Shiro if he was even a festoon of a moment late.  
But Lance hadn’t been able to help it.  
The dream had taken the boy into a death grip and was determined to hold on.  
Tight.  
In the dream he had been sitting in the vast field of what his home on Earth was resting upon.  
There was a light breeze, tussle if the brown locks of his hair and Lance was calm for once.  
It was nice.  
He sat there, breathing in and breathing out crisp air that was not quite summer but not quite spring.  
The sun felt nice on his skin, even though Lance was far from one to prefer the weather.  
The dream had started out nice.  
And then it grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him right out of the good, and into the bad.  
Literally.  
Suddenly on diet side of him black nothingness tinged with blue shot from the ground and showered the whole expanse in black.  
Lance felt the wind pick up, and then he was running as fast as his legs could take him.  
But the thing is, with dreams that is, you can never really run too fast.  
It was like the consciousness punishing the dreamers.  
Ha, take that.  
You ran away from your problems in the real world? Guess what, buddy, we don’t let that slide here.  
The black tendrils from the ground scurried after Lance and then grabbed his ankles, knocking the boy to the stiff ground.  
It was raining now, and everything had darkened. This was not the rain that Lance had learned to love.  
This burned the boys skin. Soaked him with what felt like fire, and stung.  
He fell hard in his chest, which would be sure to bruise. Lance couldn’t… He couldn’t…  
Lance couldn’t breathe and now he was crying and calling out for help in a voice that never made it past his lips.  
Silent screams, you know how dreams work. Lance hated how dreams work.  
He was dragged, dragged.Landed jacket was gone and he was getting scratched by debris within the grass.  
Then suddenly it all switched.He was somewhere dark, and as his eyes adjusted he discovered he was in his bedroom.  
Lance was drenched in sweat, his heart quickening and his eyes were stinging with tears.  
It was a dream.  
Lance checked his phone, checked the battery. He checked his messages and was calmed by the ones he read.  
Today was going to be a good day.  
When he fell back asleep though, the dreams persisted. Of course they did.  
At first it had just been a dream about school, something innocent. Until.  
Until it changed and he wa staring at THEM. Oh god, oh god.  
He never saw their face, but his dream self knew who to recognize them as.  
No.  
That wasn’t them and that wasn’t real.That wasn’t their blade in their hand and that wasn’t blood.  
Then what was it, dumbass?  
Lance couldn’t breathe again, and he remembered his dream self trying to scream as he sobbed but it never happened.  
Couldn’t happen because Lance was frozen. Right there, he went numb.  
Lance approached his lovers body, unable to see their face. He had known what they did in the dream.  
His dream self knew, correction.But why hadn’t he?  
Before he was woken up by his own shaking, Lance was clutching their jacket and telling them everything.  
He loved them.He needed them.  
Oh god, Lance couldn’t lose them.  
Lance woke up late.He sent a few quick messages as he desperately tried to get ready.  
Good things were happening today, so he put on his fake smile and went about the day.  
There were happy moments. Yes, genuine. That was for sure.  
But as the night free nearer, things started to come back to him and sleep seemed like the worst idea ever.  
Oh god, he couldn’t lose them.  
That was his greatest fear.


	25. Hush Hush: The Sequel and the End

*Trigger Warning Beware*  
Staying silent wasn’t really all that hard for Lance. It didn’t become as much of an issue as the back of his mind had suggested it would be when he’d first made the decision to have his vocal chords removed.  
Then again, even if Lance WANTED to speak, he wouldn’t have been able to.  
At the moment, the blue paladin sort of wished he made himself blind too.  
Lance didn’t want to see the expressions that his friends were making at him.  
Fear.Unabashed shock.Certainly anger in there too.Keith looked nearly sick.  
Unanimously,they looked scared.Painful dismay. Horror was a good word.  
Lance stared at his lap now, feeling like a child being scolded for stealing something.  
On a much grander scale of course.  
“You…” Hunk started, but found that (pun unintended) he couldn’t get his voice to work.  
Pidge looked near tears, standing close to Shiro, who wore the most shocked expression of all.  
Coran and Allura didn’t seem to understand, why would the human do something like that to himself?  
Allura had thought it an awful prank at first, but when Coran checked the blue paladin over, the results were positive.  
Lance had removed his vocal chords.  
It was Keith who blew up on him first, and Lance couldn’t blame him in the slightest.  
The red paladin had read the note and slapped Lance, which he assumed he also deserved.  
Then he had gone and gotten the others, and the running and shouting towards the room Lance was in had his anxiety through the roof.  
He didn’t like the sounds of footsteps.  
“Y…You…” Keith started, all eyes except for Lances going to him. “Y-YOU DUMBASS!”  
He shoved the nearest chair over just for something to hit, the mullet haired boys face already getting red.  
“HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?! You— I can’t believe–” Shiro cut in by grabbing the younger Paladins shoulder and holding him still.  
“Stop.” The leader commanded.  
Keith swallowed hard and looked ready to protest, glanced at Lance, then decided to stay quiet.  
Shiro sighed, turning back to the mute boy. He handed Lance the note paper from earlier, with its disturbing message still there.  
“Why did you do it?” Shiros voice came out as a whisper, and a few of the other team members swallowed.  
The only thing Lance did as he took the piece of paper from Shiro, was void his expression of anything at all.  
He had made the right decision, this was for the better of the team, and nothing was going to change his mind.  
‘Like I said. I didn’t want to annoy you guys anymore, cost us any missions cause Zarkon can hear me, harm any innocent races.’  
Everyone read over Shiros shoulder, and a collective intake of breath followed.  
Hunks expression dropped further, “Lance, we didn’t mean—”  
“We’re sorry you heard that. It wasn’t right of us to say and it is in no way acceptable. But was it really worth taking your voice?” Allura said, her tone soft and decisive, afraid to say the wrong thing.  
Lance shook his head, running his throat along the scar. Requesting the paper back, he kept writing.  
‘It’s alright you guys. It was my choice. And it was the right choice at that.’  
Lance paused when Shiro went to grab it, then shook his head and kept writing.  
'All I’ve ever been told throughout my life is I’m too loud, I talk to much. Sometimes I say the wrong things, sometimes my voice gets me in trouble. Just to be funny or get a reaction I ail say things that maybe I shouldn’t. My voice has always been another reason why I’m so in the way. Doing this, solves one of everyone’s problems.’  
Lance paused again, tapping his foot anxiously. He skipped a line and wrote:  
'Me.’  
He hated the way his hand shook as he gave the paper back to Shiro. Why was he shaking?  
No regrets, right?  
This was good for everyone so why was he upset? Why were THEY upset?  
His mind became dull and clouded as they all started talking to him. Lance heard the same routine things.  
It wasn’t that way.He was too stubborn to see the truth.It would have been so much better if he’d listened. Lance wouldn’t have had to do such a horrible thing to himself.  
But Lance didn’t want to hear any of it.  
He had only done this for THEM.  
The blue paladin want to hear Pidge crying, or the footsteps and light hushes as Hunk led her away to calm her down.  
He didn’t want to hear Coran trying to get everyone to calm down. Lance didn’t want to hear Allura and Shiro arguing about who had been the bad leader and let this happen.  
Lance didn’t want to hear Keith’s silence.  
He looked up slowly and saw the red paladin looking back, such a sad look in his eyes. Words on his lips but he wouldn’t speak them.  
Lance couldn’t find it in him to write to Keith, tell him to tell Lance what was going on his head.  
The worst part, Lance wanted to SAY those things to the other boy.  
He never would.  
As the night came to an end, everyone eventually went to bed. This would be discussed when everyone had calmed down, rested a little.  
There was still a universe to save an there was still people and aliens alike to protect.  
Voice or no voice.  
But Lance had discovered his flaw.His ambition turned to tragedy when all he wanted to do was fix a problem.  
Lance had tried to fix himself.  
Why had he done that?  
Every time he had tried to change himself to please others things like this happened.  
So he made a second decision.  
That night, everyone in their beds, Lance made his way to the bathroom on board the ship.  
He had stolen his fork from dinner and was sharpening it gains this bed for hits after the group ha dispersed.  
Lance would undo what he had done wrong hopefully forever.  
Now they wouldn’t have to see the fuck up paladin, renewed the stupid thing he had done.  
So Lance stood in the mirror.  
This was the real good thing.His absence.  
Then there would be no more troubles, within a few months or a year his departure would be out of mind.  
Therefore, Lance rested to end of the sharpened fork to the pale white scar across his throat.  
Hush little baby, don’t you cry.  
Lance didn’t notice he was crying until now. The tears were slow and warm.  
The fork pricked his throat, and from there Lance felt his story ending. With the red that dripped to the tiles, a nice shade of black fell over his eyes.  
Hush little baby don’t you cry,everything’s gonna be alright.  
Hush Hush.


	26. Words Can Hurt You

Lance was talkative, shocker right?  
Yeah, no.  
But Lance never really expected that it would be his very own voice that would bring him to his downfall.  
They had just made it into the Galra ship, Pidge and Keith looking for prisoners. Hunk, Shiro, and Lance off rodents the duo.  
Lance was talking.Again.  
“Do you think Galra like grapes? Are they purple because they ate a lot of grapes?”  
He didn’t even know what he was talking about, just spitting words.  
Talking was an escape for the blue paladin. Had been his entire life.  
It showed up verbally, in letters, texts, all of it. If he was constantly speaking or rambling or spamming, there was something wrong.  
It was a distraction.  
Sometimes he’d start saying not so great things, most about himself, etc.  
Lance couldn’t exactly control it, and even as he would do it he’d notice how annoying it was.  
But Lance. Couldn’t. Help. It.  
“—maybe they are all painte purple at birth and are actually not purple. Is that why Keith isn’t purple? Maybe—”  
“Lance!” Shiro hissed, glaring hard at his teammate, scolding him.  
Lance blinked, clamping his mouth shut and gripped his bayard a little tighter.  
Shut up, Lance.  
He swallowed hard, walking after his friends with the back of his mind itching with words to say.  
They made it to a tall door, and behind it the trio could hear Keith yelling.  
“—not one of you!”  
Then there was Pidge.  
“—my brother?!”  
Glances were exchanged, then with Hunk in the lead they charged through. They all filed in with weapons and hands at the ready.  
“Let them go!” Shiro barked, eyes dark and ready to fight. Keith and Pidge were being held by guards.  
Lance looked around, seeing no eyes on him so he quickly took the chance to slink and hide against a crook in the wall.  
Almost seconds after, heavy guards grabbed onto Hunk and Shiro.  
Everything was going wrong.So, so wrong.  
Lance watched it all go down.  
The speeches, the comments, and then eventually the fight that ensued as Keith escaped.  
Shots were fired and blades clashed on every side of Lance. All he had to do was take down Haggar.  
He didn’t know what he was doing.The team didn’t know what he was doing.  
Did Lance mention he had no idea what the absolute quiznak he was doing?!  
Suddenly he was out of his corner, revealed, his target sighted on Haggar.  
Lance would not miss.  
Through squinted eyes, though, Lance didn’t pay attention to the purple dark magic shoot from her fingers and hit the team.  
There were so many beams of light everywhere it was hard to tell what was what.  
There were shouts, then Haggar screamed. Lance didn’t pay attention after that.  
Someone grabbed his arm and enforce he knew it the lions were in formation and taking off back towards the castle.  
Wait, what?!  
A wave of dizziness was he over Lance and he must have been periodically blacking out.  
“Lance?”  
He opened his eyes and saw Shiro standing above him. They were in the main room of the castle.  
The blue paladin sat up, rubbing his head.“Hmm? We did it?”  
Shiro smiled in relief, but his words didn’t match his expression. “Of course, the first thing the guy does is talk.”  
Lance blinked, then turned and looked to Keith. “I— So what happened? Did we defeat Haggar?”  
Shiro looked confused, like something he had just said had been ignored. He didn’t say anything else though.  
“What do you mean ‘we’? You didn’t contribute at all.” Hunk said.  
Pidge snorted, “Yeah, sat there like a lame duck.” She smiled.  
Nothing they were saying to Lance matches the way they looks at him.  
Lance felt his eyes sting, looking down.  
“I…I shot Haggar though…”  
Shiro walked over, patting Lances back and helped him up with a grin. A twinge of worry in the mans eyes.  
“Yes, you worthless piece of shit.”  
Lance shrugged away from Shiro, glaring at all of them and ran off to his room. They all looked so confused.  
It would continue like that for the following days to come. And Lance would only grow quieter with each nasty comment.  
He figured he deserves the first night of it.  
By the following day he assumed they were just sugar coating it.  
Lance confronted them about it on the third day but only was answered back with more and more, worse, comments.  
No one spoke to him on the sixth day.  
By the second week, Lance had not been talking for about 9 days.  
Everyone started to get angry with him, brushed him off, or completely acted like he wasn’t there.  
Only the lions noticed.  
Blue sent as many good vibes and comforting consolation as she could.  
Lance was thankful for her.  
The other lions would try and get the Paladins to hear what they were sayin to Lance, but their Paladins had no clue.  
It was all Hagars magic, her last trick.  
Everything the team said to the blue paladin reflected his insecurities until it drove him to silence.  
Their happy paladin was gone.  
Lance didn’t return from the next mission.


	27. Lets Go to Oz.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Lance would tell you that these were the wisest words he's ever heard someone say. Way to go, Dorothy.

He never thought it would be something he'd be thinking about at nearly 24 years of age.

Lance sat in hub of the castle, looking at Earth in the holographic map of space that surrounded his entire being.

Home.

Lance couldn't just click his heels and magically get back home.

He wouldn't admit that he'd actually tried that once, years ago when this hellish adventure first started.

It doesn't work.

Or maybe he was just wearing the wrong shoes. That was probably it.

But Lance didn't just miss Earth.  
And he also didn't just miss Cuba.

Or Veradera Beach.

Lance missed the sights, smells, sounds.

He missed the people too.  
His mother who was always so kind and loving. She always have the best hugs, no offense to Hunk.

Lance missed his father. Well, the father he knew at the time. His mother had several marriages.

Bear, he called the one he knew last.

Lance liked him.

He missed his older sisters, and his brother. Lance wonders how old the twins were now, most definitely born.

He missed his pets.  
The chickens, stray cat named Frank McLovins. Lance didn't have dogs, but he had always wanted them.

Lance missed his back yard, the adventures he used to go on. He also missed the trees that he used to climb and hide in.

The blue paladin missed the lake that hid in a little crook behind his house. He'd love to swim in it and occasionally fish a little.

Hell, maybe he Ben missed the Garrison a little bit. Lance missed Earth and everything on it.

There were people and things he loved in space, in the universe, but they weren't like home. Like Earth.

No one else talked about it.  
Maybe they didn't miss it like Lance did.

Or maybe they did, but didn't talk about it.  
Were stronger than brooding of the things that were lost to them.

Maybe Lance neeeed to grow up.

However much longer before he returned, Lance knew he had people to keep hi grounded. Pun intended.

Although they were rivals, Keith kept him most sane. It was like arguing with his siblings.

Shiro and Coran were like hi father figures. Pidge a little sister.

Hunk still remained his best friend.

Allura, his big sister.

The mice were like his chickens and the stray cats. Just the little things.

Lance relished in the little things that reminded him of home, and no matter how long he was out here, maybe home wasn't as far was as it seemed.

The hologram shut off.  
The room went dark.

Lance wiped his tears.  
An he went to bed.

There's no place like home.


	28. Lost Boy

Lance stood, eyes wide and frantic as they scanned the forest like surroundings that he was engulfed in.

On any other occasion, he would have enjoyed this and taken a moment to admire the scenery all around him.

It was like Earth.

The ground was a dark brown, but as it was wet it had an almost maroon look to it.

It was hilly, no part of the terrain was flat and that made it hard for Lance to efficiently move in his armor.

The wetnes of it made it slick too.

Trees of all sorts filled the forest. Groups of tall and skinny trees that stretched high into the endless fog that surrounded the blue paladin.

Squat, branch you trees that had a width longer than Lance was tall. Little bushes freckled the moist ground he ran upon.

An occasional log, a twig here and there.

The air smelled musty and like the outside dos after it was raining, only much stronger on this planet.

A dead quiet was all around, and the dog that hung low misted the blue eyes boys suit with a few like substance.

Abandoned trails where animals had fled could be seen through underbrush as Lance started to walk on.

He heard static in his helmet, which is the only thing the boy had been hearing for hours.

"Pidge? Hunk?" Lance lifted his bayard and held it at his shoulder, taking slow and even breaths.

"Shiro?"

Lance looked around, and decided to stop at a tree to catch his breath and recall what exactly was going on.

The castle had had to make an emergency landing, which was more of a crash than it was anything else.

Lance remembered getting flung from somewhere, hearing Keith yelling his name, and then his face full of dirt and then silence.

It had taken Lance awhile to take in where he was, then he started to look for the others. How far had he been separated?

Lance caught his breath, then started stalking back the way he had been making. 

In all honesty, he had no idea which way to go, or where he was going.

He had been wandering aroun endlessly for what felt like hours. Maybe four hours?

A soft whimper escaped as he trekked on and he started to grow uneasy.

What if they left without him?  
What if Lance was lost forever out here?  
Were they dead? Injured?

He squeezed his red shirt and took a few breaths, focusing.

"They wouldn't leave me. They're looking too. It's a big planet, yeah." Lance huffed.

The blue paladin wasn't convincing himself very well and it wasn't making the situation any easier.

It reminded him of the time wen he was a kid and had gotten lost in the giant supermarket.

Well, maybe it wasn't very big but he was small and that scared him greatly.

Lance had gone off to look at the lobsters and the other arthropods, and his Mama hadn't noticed his departure due to the fact that there were so many siblings to tend to.

Before he knew it, there was an announcement that the store was closing, and Lance had remained alone.

He had made it back, of course.

Turns out his mother had actually left the store and had to drive back after the family noticed Lance was nowhere to be found.

She had made a big fuss when they were reunited, crying as mothers would.

His ear hurt for a week after he was practically tugged home by it.

But as all things went, everyone had just been glad he was okay and was back. They'd joke about it for years to come.

As of right now, Lance wasn't finding the situation one to joke about.

The blue paladin was terrified of being forgotten, left behind.

He didn't notice when he'd laid himself upon the first floor to curl up and to sob and shake.

Lance was tired.  
His nerves were shot.

He was alone and scared and had know idea where he was, or how long he'd be alone here.

Lance must have fallen asleep.

A light hand brushed his shoulder and he opened his blue eyes.

There was the team.

They were all huddled in the burnt wreckage of the side of the castle. 

Everyone was covered in ash and minor burns and scrapes.

They all looked worried, but relieved.

Lance may have started crying.  
Maybe.

But in the end thy were all alive and they were hugging and laughing amongst burnt wreckage.

It was messed up.

But it was family.  
And that's all they had in this never land.


	29. Frozen Serenity.

Lance walked along the hallway on light feet, a pair of ice skates dangling in his hands.

One night.  
That's all he needed and then he could hold out for a little longer.

He wouldn't tell anyone.  
Ever.

Lance had left the training room to freeze for a few hours, as he had been doing for about once a months for eight months now.

It was a coping mechanism.  
There had been another fight.

With everyone on edge because of the battle raging on throughout the universe, there was bound to be tension and shot nerds in the castle.

Lance tried to help.  
He truly did.

The blue paladin would crack a joke here and there, try and boost everyone's spirits.

Today he had tried to initiate a lion race while they were out patrolling, but had only managed to nearly get everyone caught.

He hustled wanted to lighten the mood.

To allow everyone to take a load off from the stress of literally the entire universes war.

When they got back Shiro made sure to give him the lecture of a lifetime. And not to forget that Keith had to put in his two cents.

"Why is he even in the team?! We've been at this war for months, it should be won by now if it weren't for his screwing around!"

Even Hunk wasn't speaking to him now.

Lance felt warm tears well.  
Forget about it.

For now.

He turned on the lights to the training room, watching the previously dark room illuminate with a dull light.

Lance sighed, his breath billowing out in front of him like a huffed cigarette and he let the cold sink in.

It felt nice. Familiar.

He went to the wall and slid down, siting on the ground to carefully pull on his skates.

Lance felt a serene blissfullnes fall over him as he put them on and a small smile formed.

He could forget about his insecurities.  
He could forget about Shiro and Keith.

He could forget about this god forsaken war and everything that came with it.

Relax.  
Breathe.

Close your eyes and...

For hours Lance twirled and glided across the frozen ice arena that the training room had turned into.

He forgot about everything and focused on the calm and the ice.

Lance kept his eyes closed and arms extended as his mind took him back to the rink back home.

Relax.

The blue paladin went at it for hours.  
When it was time to be done he turned off the freezing mechanism to return the room to normal.

Lance walked down the hallway back to his room on light feet and ice skates in his hands.

Breathe.


	30. Piano Man.

Song Used:   
Clocks by Coldplay

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Slender fingers worked their ways across keys at different intervals. 

Loud sound, staccato and abrupt sounded from the interworkings. To do what?

To make something beautiful.

Tan slender fingers slid and tapped and stretched across key after key, black and white alike.

Lances head was bowed and his arms shifted as his hands did their thing.

A beautiful sound.

A light hum came in the throat of the blue eyed boy and he felt a calm thing ease through him.

A beautiful voice filled the air.  
Even and clear, soft.

"Lights go out and I can't be saved, tides that I tried to swim against..."

A gasp sounded around the family around the pianist and he felt a familiar smile splay across his face.

Here we go.

"Have brought me down upon my knees. Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing..." Lance is voice was soft and smooth, carrying about the room.

His friends and family alike stood in awe. 

The family had grown up with Lances voice and his friends were hearing it for the first time. Yet each were still in love as if it were the first time hearing it.

To hear the voice was something for all to enjoy. But Lance?

He loved the sound of the piano.  
The intelligence the sounds it had were so beyond his fingers and his minds intellect.

It killed him when he lost his hearing.

Lance started to notice that he wasn't hearing things as well as he used to after he got in a minor accident that left him with head trauma.

He was fine overall, it was nothin serious at the time. But since then he's had issues hearing.

Lance went to his friends about it but they just assumed it wa from listening to music or that the piano was too loud.

When the blue eyed boy woke up one day and couldn't hear a thing, he went to the hospital.

The nerve fibers in his inner ear had been damaged in his accident months back. 

Lance was deaf.

He lost the ability to hear something that had been his coping mechanism, his dedication, since he was 7 years old.

The boy couldn't hear his own voice to sing or the sounds of the led he played.

Sure, he knew their sounds by heart and the chords to play as well, but to be unable to hear it...

Music was such a big part of the boys life and for it to be suddenly taken away from him was heartbreaking.

He fell into a depression.

Lances friends and family offered to donate money for surgeries or hearing aids but none of it would truly be the same.

This wasn't curable.

To live the rest of his life without music...  
To take away the boys passion...

In time he would go mad.


	31. Images

*Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder!Lance, by popular demand. ((Vomiting involved)).*

Okay so I don't actually like the ending of this story, I didn't know quite how to end it with the limit I had. So hopefully you like it better than I do.

\---

It was the shaking that started first for Lance, the constant tremble of his fingers.

He would be fine at first, just slight paranoia that would sway in and out of his mindset.

1, 2, 3, 4...

A couple of minutes, once even an hour passed by, and Lance could do that.

But then the trembling would start.  
It would start as a twitch in his neck and then he wouldn't be able to sit still.

Following that his hands would start to shake, violent tremors that left Lance barely able to hold things or he would end up sitting on his hands.

He was disgusting.  
He couldn't keep it like this.

Lance would excuse himself to the bathroom from wherever he was, no matter where he was.

Disgusting.

He would lock himself in a stall or a bathroom and he would crouch in front of the toilet and let the shaking take over.

Lance would let it all take over.

His mind would become dark and heavy an the thoughts of what resided within him would make him feel sick.

Here's the thing.

Lance played off confidence. He was so attractive, such a flirt, best looking guy this side of the universe.

But when it came to mealtime he knew the exact opposite of that. Hell, he knew it all the time but it especially strengthened around that time.

It's different than some food you don't like and don't want to keep down. This was everything.

The idea that with the food he ate he was just making himself seemingly fatter and more disgusting inside and out that it started to consume him.

Anyone could look at Lance and tell him he wasn't fat. His clothes fit lose enough for that fact and just his shape in general.

Lance wasn't fat. He was perfect weight and if anything he was starting to be on the verge of underweight.

But you couldn't convince him of that.  
Not completely of course.

He looks in the mirror and no he doesn't see a fat person, he sees the weight he is losing but that's not the point.

If the skin near his abdomen so much as slightly bunches then there was too much there, right?

It wasn't all about weight and being skinny to the boy though. Of course not, that's never how it is.

Lance was not focused on being model perfect. If he was skinny then maybe the girls he flirts with would like him, right?

Obviously trying to work out like Keith didn't work, but the mullet haired guy was skinny too.

In all honesty Lance didn't have a set reason. Maybe it was the anxiety, which is what he used to tell his therapist.

He would be so anxious that he couldn't feel he could eat. The nauseating feeling he always played off as being too nervous.

What happened was soon Lance found the hunger as a distraction from the anxiety. Something else to focus on.

The boy was terrified of dealing with his insecurities and the anxiety that came with each day that he needed to feel something else.

So hunger it was.

Maybe he did know the reason he was like this. That didn't make it any better.

Lance went like this for months.

If he were forced to eat, and if he felt full, Lance would take himself to the bathroom and make himself sick.

That is if the anxiety of facing his anxieties didn't do that for him. It was tedious.

He wouldn't be able to tell you how many packs of gum he went through a week; more than a smoker with a pack of cigarettes.

Lance was in too deep.

It was a day the gang had gone out to go swimming, and Lance had not exactly cared to go.

But Pidge had coaxed him into it, and Lance couldn't ever deny her.

Lance had tried to get a swim shirt for himself but none would fit him; always too big.

So when everyone decided that swim hurts didn't matter, Lance was forced to go out in what was the casual swim trunks.

And here he stood now.

Shiro and Allura were teamed up on each other's shoulders in the pool, with Pidge and Keith as their opponent.

Hunk was makin snacks at the little poolside bar. It smelled good.

Lance stood in the doorway o the act Rene's door of the house, towel wrapped around him and the anxiety eating away.

He knew how he looked.  
How skinny he was, deathly.

But he didn't want to go out their and have to deal with his friends concern. They hadn't seen him without a bulky hoodie or jacket on in months so they were completely unaware.

He felt dizzy.  
He was hungry and the snacks Hunk was making didn't help it.   
His heart was beating too fast.

The worry finally did him in.  
He ran to the bathroom even though he had been there only minutes prior.

Back outside in the pool, the game over and everyone lounging, it was Allura who looked to the house.

"Didn't Lance say he was coming out? He's been in there nearl an hour..." She said with concern in her voice.

A moment of silence passed around the friend group. 

"Well he did just get over being sick a couple days ago, he's probably still a little off." Pidge suggested.

Shiro furrowed his brows, but it was Hunk who spoke. "That's like the third time he's come down ill in the past month."

Keith rubbed his jaw, "It's summer, this is usually when he feels his best. Plus he never denies the pool. He probably is just fussing over his shirt epidemic."

Shiro stood, "Let's go check on him. He hasn't been himself for awhile and I think we should talk anyway."

A few of them didn't seem too keen on interrupting their fun afternoon, but decided Lance was more important.

"Alright."

One by one they all clambered ou of the pool and to their respective towels to go back in the house to check on Lance.

"Lance, buddy?" Hunk called upon enterance.

They all made it to the bathroom, assuming he was in there because the light was on and the door closed.

No answer.

Keith frowned, "Lance! Come on, we've been waiting forever. Your trunks are fine."

Shiro gently moved Keith to the side, putting his hand on the doorknob and turned.

It was open.

"Lance, we're coming in." He announced.

He turned into the room, stopping before he got even a few steps in.

"Lance."

He rushed to his friend, and such a big guy shouldn't have been able to move so fast.

"Lance!"

The blue eyed boy was laying against the shower, slumped over and pale. His eyes were closed.

"Oh my god what---" 

The others were seein Lance and they all looked sick and horrified at what they saw.

Lance was so small looking, and he was generally a tall person. Taller than almost the whole team.

He didn't look wider than Hunk or maybe Shiros thigh at best, and his bones were showing in all the wrong places.

Ribs protruding, arms and legs so deathly thin. He must not have had anything on his face because it didn't look as full as it usually did.

The things people could do with make up.

Shiro was shaking Lance, but it was an awkward movement as the man was afraid he would break the guy.

"Lance! Lance!" 

There was no response.  
Again.

Allura led everyone except for Shiro out, and everyone was in a panic.

How had Lance gotten like that?  
Was he okay?  
What was even happening?!

Shiro didn't come out for several minutes, and when he did his eyes were distant and he looked preoccupied.

"Uh..."

Everyone's eyes were on him, some were almost teary. All were scared, most concerned.

"Allura, can you please call an ambulance..." His voice was hardly an octave above a whisper.

"I... Of course." She rushed off.

Keith stood now, "What is it? Is he okay? What happened to him?!"

Shiro was the one who looked sick now, and unsure how to handle the situation they were now placed in.

What are you supposed to do when you walk into a bathroom looking for your friend and suddenly you're saying:

"Lance is dead."


	32. The Sky's the Limit

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Lance stared up at the light blue sky, watching as wisps of clouds flitted past and swirled in circles.

Imagine flight.

He brought his knees up, holding them to his chest and he felt six years old again.

Ankle high grass brushed around him, a few trees in the distant expanse.

Lance used to like to imagine where the trails from passing planes went to. Where they had been.

Imagine flying high up there, free to go as you please. Only few can make it up there, so who would bring you down?

Lance used to have a tree house, which purpose he tended to waste. He was never actually inside it.

What the boy would do instead was climb to the top and sit, stand, reach for the sky.

He was a climber of the next tallest tree.  
Any one he thought was bigger than the last he had to climb.

"Higher!" He would cry, eyes crinkled in joy as he reached new heights.

Closer to the birds, touch the clouds.

Higher.

Higher.

When would that simple childish wish to reach the sky turn into something bitter and disgusting?

Deadly.  
Higher.

Lance remembered when and where and why he had his first high. The day the deadly leaf took him over and became something he'd rely on for years.

His big brother had been doing it.

Lance was always trailing in his footsteps, going and doing where he went and what he did.

When Lance was twelve years old he smoke his first blunt; given to him by his role model.

If you've ever heard of someone's story of the drug trail you know it's nothing pretty.

It's stupid.

Lance could give you a detailed example of what it was like; he hated that he could.

When the blue eyed boy hit his first high, it wa as blissful feeling that Lance never wanted to come down from.

He was soaring higher than he'd ever reached as a kid. His gateway to a whole new world up above.

The first high is always the best.  
Let him break it down for you.

When you jump, trying to jump as high as you can, you build up all this energy for this first jump.

It'll be your highest jump, twice as high as you'll ever be and you feel great about reaching that.

But what goes up, must come down.  
It's called a crash.

Now, with each crash you don't start in the same place you where before you jumped.

And because of this, you will never jump as high as you did on your first jump. No matter how hard you try. 

You'll never get higher than that first time.

Lance moved on to bigger things, trying to reach that first high that he'd been trying to get since childhood.

He never would.

Soon, up in the sky became his normal.  
If Lance didn't have his high, all of those little monsters would crawl into his system and he'd feel like...

Well, shit.

There was a time when Lance reached too far for that high. He nearly did reach the sky, but not how he'd expected.

Lance was pronounced dead twice, brought back three times.

What goes up, must come down.  
It lasted for years, the drugs.

But a day, walking in a random park and high out of his heels, Lance looked up.

He had just been discharged from the hospital and he looked up.

Blue eyes met a white line in the blue sky.

If Lance were dead how would he ever get to find out where those white lines went?

He'd never made it to the sky, and he never would if he had died. Someone up there gave him another chance twice.

Lance didn't want to test it.  
Third times the charm and Lance was gonna stay.

He was going to find out where those planes went, go where they go.

All of his friends helped him.  
And it wasn't something happened overnight and suddenly it was all better.

No.

It took months, years.

But he did it. It was possible.  
Lance recovered from his addiction.

Lance wouldn't sugar coat the explanation of you asked him how hard it was. 

He would tell you how many hours he'd spent locked in a bathroom with Hunk sitting on top of him telling him what all this was for.

He relapsed more than once.

But you know what?  
Lance made it to the sky.

Lance travelled all over.

He befriended lions, met foreign people.  
Lance went on the adventure of a life time all over the world.

He went skydiving.

Lance made it. He recovered.

And now, not even the sky was his limit.


	33. Cease, River.

*Trigger Warning: self harm and suicide is in the following chapter. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NEGATIVELY IMPACTED BY THIS SORT OF THING.*  
\---

It was just a little white line, but it would stay there for the rest of his life as a total reminder of what he had done.

It was honestly sort of silly, and felt even more so each time he had to share the story with a new counsellor.

A friend who cared.  
A lover who asked.

Unless you were looking, you probably wouldn't see it. The scar was maybe half an inch long, give or take.

But it held a dreadful story.

\---

Lance stared at the little bracelet he held in his hands. He had gotten the stupid thing at an arcade for thirty tickets or something.

It was made of those 'emo' square things that were usually on belts, only this was one row of black and white.

Lance didn't even know why he had gotten it, instead of another candy piece or something.

He didn't know how attached he would become to the thing, unfortunately.

It had just been another hard day. 

Tests failed.  
Flaws shoved in his face by household members, the usual.

Lance had become so apathetic to the ordeal though that now it had no effect on him.

He was a walking and sometimes talking robot that went about his daily routine, never changing.

Now, Lance wouldn't say his emotions were gone. Definitely not.

It had become, more so, that the emotions he did feel were just routine.

Constant anxiety the caused him to fidget and his chest to feel tight.

For bad thoughts to creep in.

That's how Lace had discovered what this bracelet could do. In that moment.

The blue red boy had only been fidgeting with the thing when he realized he was bending back something sharp.

The bent material that kept the squares in place. It completely captivated him.

Lance did not know why the thought crossed his mind, but it did as he bent the tip from the bracelet and he stared.

He'd heard of cutting.  
Some of his friends mentioned it in their past, but had always overcome it.

Lance knew it generated a feeling that wasn't as routine as his entire life.

Physical pain.

Now, Lance knew that this would lead him to a complicated road that would give him more anxiety than he was previously dealing with.

You have to cover the scars.  
You have to keep it secret.

So many burdens that came with doing this; and the decision making process.

What if he cut too deep?

Lance didn't necessarily want to die, yet.

But the thought that he would feel something besides his day to day anxiety and depression drove him further.

He started on the top of his left arm.  
Lance wasn't sure why he had picked there, he just sorta went for it.

The boy made vertical scratches, about 7-8 of them, but they weren't very deep.

It was a feeling. But maybe it was too much for him right now. He shook.

During the school day Lance wore the bracelet, but found himself scratching words or sometimes just lines into his arms with a pencil.

He laughed remembering the way people used to get creeped out by it, others asked him why he did it.

Lance didn't know, he just found it creative and he liked it. The marks went away by the time he got home anyway.

\---

Lance recalled when he transitioned from the pencil, back to the bracelet. It was a hard time for him.

He recalled the time when it went from light scratches on his wrist, to when he had to move to his thighs because he had gotten caught.

Oh how he had gotten caught.  
His bracelet was quickly taken from him.

The first time Lance drew significant amount of blood, he was thrilled by the sight.

It hurt of course, but just seeing the blood like that gave him a sort of adrenaline rush that he just couldn't get any other way.

Dopamine flooded his brain.

It never got better from there, but he always did get better at hiding it.

\---

When he stayed at the Garrison, it got significantly worse. By a lot.

But Lance knew when too much was too much, and never let that sharp object dig deeper.

Without the bracelet, Lance had taken to stealing razors from the generals or in closets. Basically whatever he could.

When it came lights out, Lance would sit up in his room, blankets over him, and just blindly cut at his thighs.

He would go at it until his fingers were sticky and the blade end slick with dried and new blood.

Lances poker face during the whole ordeal was better than any legit poker player. 

You would never guess what he was doing to himself, and no one did.

Until it was too late.

\---

"Lance! Stop acting dumb, get back in formation! We trying to win this war, not have YOU lose it for us!" Allura shouted over the intercom of the castle.

The blue paladin flinched.

"You've hit me more times than you've hit any of the targets, some 'sharpshooter' you are." Keith grumbled.

Shiros sigh is the best thing heard, "We've been training a lot today, how about we all go back inside for rest."

He said it as an order.

When they all made it back, the mood was not positive. Everyone was tired and annoyed.

Why couldn't this battle be over yet?

The blue eyed paladin excused himself to his room when asked about joining everyone for dinner.

'Stupid stupid stupid...' 

Lance shook slightly, and familiar feelings started to work through his bloodstream.

Anxiety, from whatever he felt was gonna be said about him next.  
Depressed, from the truth he knew behind the words spoken to him earlier.  
Anger, that he had to feel this way.  
Numb, because none of this was new.

Hot tears filled his eyes as he entered his room, letting the door close behind him and he sunk to the floor.

Useless.  
Annoying.  
In the way.  
Stubborn.

The hatred Lande felt for his entire self grew stronger and he squeezed his eyes shut tight as the tears fell.

Lance took tufts of hair into his fists to pull at them in annoyance. Why couldn't he do anything right?

His heartbeat picked up and Lance snivelled, he needed a distraction and quickly.

It was getting too much.

Useless.  
Annoying.  
In the way.  
Stubborn.  
Useless.  
Annoying.  
In the way.  
Stubborn.  
Useless.  
Annoying.  
In the way.  
Stubborn.

U S E L E S S.  
A N N O Y I N G.  
I N  T H E  W A Y.  
S T U B B O R N.

Lance flung open his small dresser of clothes and desperately dug through its contents for any of the razors and broken forks he had.

A cut to his finger allowed him to find him pretty quickly, and his pulse spiked.

Blood.  
Pain.

Lance wheezed as the tears fell hot and and fast, streaming down his cheeks yet he made no sound.

He was done with all of this.

All of the names, the struggles.  
Lance remembered when he didn't want to die, at least not yet. Yet had come.

Lance wanted to do what benefitted the team. Not what he thought was best. For himself or the others.

If he were gone, then the team could find a better suited paladin for Voltron and they could finally beat Zarkon.

Go home.

They would never get that chance to improve if Lance were here, he decided.

The blue paladin backed himself up into the corner of his room, shaking all over from this attack he was having.

The blood on his finger trickled down to his wrist and Lance was finally able to do it.

Lance didn't know how many vertical lines were in his arms when his legs gave out on him. 

He knocked over his dresser in the process of trying to stay standing.

Lance wasn't scared, but it was taking longer than he had anticipated and the boy didn't feel like being caught.

It was for them, and if they stopped him his plan to what was best would be ruined.

He finally fell to his side, dropping his wound inflicted and paid attention to the way everything got fuzzy.

Maybe now he would be a hero.  
Sure, at his own expense, but Lance had chosen this and it was his choice.

Heroes  have to make the tough choices, don't they?

It was for the better.

There was a knocking on his door, his name being called. Of course he couldn't answer.

He looked down to his wrists, where blood pulsed out in rhythm to his dying pulse. Lance hoped the others would wash his jacket before they got rid of his body.

The door burst open, Keith stood there with Shiro behind him. Both froze in their tracks and their faces dropped.

Lance's eyes closed, his breath left him.  
His heart stuttered to a stop like a dying engine of a motorcycle running out of gas.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. A quote by Khalil Gibran.

The blue paladin has ceased.


	34. Trapped.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Lance ran like hell.

The way his long legs carried him across the gravel terrain was something almost inhuman. A dull gray haze fell around everywhere.

Wheeze wheeze wheeze.

A roar sounded behind him and the ground rumbled beneath his feet, loud pounding as giant steps were taken by the being.

Anxiety.  
Hello, have we met?

The boys heart pounded, a sound loud in his ears and he could feel and hear the blood pumping  within his body.

The monster stood hundreds of feet tall, tall and lack and made of solidified and gaseous blacked smoke and soot.

Everything it passed was shrouded in the suffocating stuff, and there was no escaping.

It has glowing green eyes, a hideous smile, and long arms that stretched for miles like tendrils.

Anxiety, hello.

"Mierda, Mierda!" Lance shouted, expertly (okay, clumsily) spinning around a ragged rock protruding and blocking his path.

"Fuck!"

Lance felt the monsters smoke on the back of his neck, feel it's heat and at the same time the numbing cold.

No Escape.

He ducked, nearly getting beheaded as a cave neared and darkness surrounded. Swear dripped down his cheeks and rolled down his neck.

"O-Oh God."

Lance couldn't see a thing, but felt much around him. An icy blast of wind filled the cave as Anxiety tore through the mountainous structure, but was unable to get inside.

Breathe, if he could.

The boys legs trembled until the gave out and he hit the rocky surface with rough knees.

Trapped.

Lance was stuck in this dark cave, the monstrous entity surrounding him and if he it out he was done for.

Now he had a choice, and choices only made Anxiety grow bigger and stronger.

Stay in here, forever, and slowly turn into something worse than the THING outside.

Or, try and escape, and run until anxiety caught back up with him to the next thing.  
That, then face the consequences that came with the Anxiety.

You see the trouble?

Trembling hands brushed his sopping hair back from his forehead and Lance took even breaths.

"Okay, Lance. You're fine."

Why wouldn't this stop?  
What was going on?

He felt like he's been running for ages and that there had been an indefinite and endless cycle of this.

It was only a simulation, why did it feel so real and why wasn't it stopping? Wasn't it supposed to stop if it got too bad?

That was right. Lance was in a simulation generated by Coran as a practice for the team.

You went in, the system would create a simulation of your biggest personal trouble.

Hunk's was his overthinking.  
Keith's was his irrationalit, act before thorough thinking through something..

Pidge's was something along the lines of insomnia, leaving her sitting in a simulation where he seemingly hand slept for a week.

Shiro had to face his PTSD, as it got in the way with a lot of his fighting

Lance had his overall generalized anxiety.  
There was a lot more smaller parts of that, like his insecurities and depressing tendencies but they weren't included in THIS simulation.

Now Lance wouldn't say that his simulation was the worst. It was worse for everyone in their own way.

But his was the one that was so intense, the system couldn't handle it. It fried the system and Coran couldn't figure out how to stop it.

The team had to watch Lance run around the training room, screaming for it to stop and swear words.

At some point the blue paladin just threw himself against a wall and lay against it shaking.

Shiro and Allura were down there keeping close to him, the others helping Coran. It was hectic.

"Lance..." Shiro shook the sweaty boys shoulder, concern on his face. 

The two of them noticed that the blue eyed boy wasn't twitching and shouting as much, as if it had calmed down.

"Coran! Is it almost fixed?! Lance can't take much of this any longer!" Allura called up.

The mustachioed man answers quickly, "Pidge is working on it! We've got the image back up, we can see him. Pidge was able to put a hiding spot in the simulation to hold off the creature, he is in a cave and calming down."

"How much longer?!"

Pidge took the mic from Coran, "I've almost got it, only a few more---"

Suddenly the lights in the training room flashed brighter, and then went out. 

A silence fell upon them, very one looking around as the light blue emergency lights turned on.

"...Coran?"

There were a few ticks that passed before they got an answer from the crowd above.

"Princess, uh. The system was corrupted, it shut itself down and it took out the castles power." Pidge mumbled, her voice uneven.

Shiro spoke now, "What does that mean?"

The tension in the space couldn't have been tighter, no one dared to speak the truth.

Their greatest fear confirmed with acorns following words, and hearts dropped.

Faces fell.  
Sweat dropped.  
Eyes were wide.

"...I'm afraid... Lance is trapped in the simulation, we can't get him out."


	35. Fun and Games

*Prompt by lance.lance.revolution on Instagram! Story by me.*  
\---

*Slight graphic descriptions.*

'It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.' Is how the saying goes.

Words that could probably surpass Shakespeare in terms of how well known and 'wise' they were.

How come the human race has trouble understanding a quote so simple as that?

When you were a kid you brushed your parents off, of course no one was going to get hurt.

No way.

But then of course, later, everyone was piling into the minivan because someone broke their arm.

It was all fun and games.

When Lance and the others made it to space they didn't have much of a chance to have fun.

Defend the universe this.  
Defeat Zarkon that.

Train now, rest later.

Lance understood that all of this was incredibly important, lives were on the line.

But wasn't a little fun needed once in awhile? The quote doesn't go:

'It's all training and battles until somebody had fun.' 

Lance was determined. He wanted to have fun and at the same time develop core skills needed within the team.

Especially in times like this.  
Trust.

So he started falling.  
Literally.

No one understood what he was doing the first couple of days. Just yelling 'trust fall' and landing on his back.

The others weren't as entertained, but Shiro did catch him more than the others.

But when the heat of battle came Lance understood it was time to be serious.

When they were doing hard training, it was time to be serious. The others needed to focus, not worry about catching Lance.

It started where Keith became the one to catch Lance, just for fun. The red paladin was always so serious, that he appreciated Lance's antics at times.

And from there it grew; a bond.

Lance would rush up to Keith and yell 'trust fall', and the mullet haired paladin caught him every time.

Sometimes, maybe once or twice, tables were turned and it was Lance catching Keith.

In these hard times the two of them bonded over the blue eyed boys silly game.

Keith smiled more.  
Lance was more optimistic when the other team members brushed him off or didn't catch him.

It was Keith and Lance.

The bond was especially strong during fights, like the one that were in now.

Haggar and Zarkon locked in battle against Voltron, drones and fighter bots everywhere.

Keith was engaged in a trio of bots, slicing them down and dodging their beams of death.

"Shiro! How's it going up there?!" Keith yelled over the noise into his helmet.

The leader replied quickly, "We need you and Lance to keep holding them off. Coran and Allura have the castle off a ways to target the ship. Pidge, Hunk, and I are still busy up--- ON YOUR LEFT!"

They melded back into battle, and Keith kept hacking away at the enemy. He turned to see Lance shooting at drones.

Good, he was still alright.

But Keith had only looked away for a few seconds. He had no idea of what happens behind him until it was too late.

Lance grunted loudly, suppressing a scream as the beam of light pierced through his armor.

Oh no.

His breath was gone, rushed out of him and the blue paladin assumed it must have punctured his lung.

The blood bubbles past his lips next and he turned to see where Keith was. Lance needed to get to him.

"K...Ke..." The rest came out as a wheeze and Lance held his bleeding chest, taking his last bit of energy to stumble to Keith.

His game.  
Lance knew he wasn't going to survive this, but he didn't want to go out awfully.

Lance coughed, behind Keith, "T-Trust fall!" It took all the rest of his breath to let out that yelp.

Keith had turned around, eyes wide and as he dropped to arch Lance he avoided a blow from a rover.

Sweat dropped and Keith groaned, sagging with Lances weight. "No! Lance, come on this is not the time for your gam--"

Keith became deaf to all the noise around him, a static filling his head as his heart clogged his throat.

"L-Lance!"

The entire front of the Cuban boys armor was smeared with blood, a sizable hole smoking in his chest.

There were a few traces of purple light within the wound. It was new.

Keith felt blood on his knees, and realized it had gone through the back of Lances armor.

"LANCE!!!" The red paladin screamed.

The blue eyed boy was gone, his eyes a dull thing station above him. Blood tricked down his chin from where it trickles out of the corner of his mouth.

A sob erupted from Keith and he threw his blade aside to shake Lance. No. No.

This was his friend.  
He wasn't dead.

He couldn't be.  
It was part of the game, right?

Keith held Lance close and sobbed into the blue Paladins limp body.

It was all fun and games, until somebody got hurt.


	36. Not What It Seems.

Lance was stuck.

He didn't mean in the sense of stuck somewhere physically, but instead mentally. You're familiar with the feeling.

The feeling of all sense of motivation just drained and stupidity clouding the farthest reaches of one's mind.

It could manifest for hours and leave you sprawled and unable to do anything but nothing.

It sucked.

Lance understood that, and at the same time hated himself because there were people he was letting down.

The team.  
The universe.

He heard his teammates calling for him to get up and get to the training room. Lance could hear their annoyance as they had to wait.

But for some reason Lance kept laying there and wallowing in his own thoughts.

Damn.

He rolled over and rubbed his blue eyes, the paladin letting out the millionth sigh of the hour.

Just get up.

Train.

But it was so much harder to get up and be active and try and distract oneself when you could just lay and think and wallow.

Right?

Lance missed home and he missed the people that fell into the category of home.

Trust him, he knew he had a family here.

Allura and Shiro were like big siblings.  
Coran was like a father.  
Hunk was still his friend.

Keith and Pidge were too.

But it wasn't the SAME, and the blue paladin's homesickness grew and grew.

Until the point it grew into a real sickness.  
At first he was just sick on the head.

Then the thoughts manifested and anxiety grew and depression itched at his inner workings.

He would throw up.

All of the knockin on his door and the angry voice ceased it's yelling.

Lance had thrown up, huddled over the side of his bed and wheezing. This was such a Hunk thing to do.

He looked away as his door opened quickly and it was Coran who stood there at his rescue.

The mustachioed Altean had his eyes wide, "My boy, what's the matter? Have you caught a bug?"

Lance rolled over and away from his mess, cringing. Why hasn't he been able to stop that or at least control it?

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, rubbing his sweaty forehead with clammy palms.

Coran shook his head, "I will clean it, have no worry." Lance's head reeled with how quickly and efficiently the mess was cleaned.

"Coran! We are waiting on you and Lance in the training room! What are you doing?" Allura voice sounded over the castles speaker system.

Lance slowly got up, starting to fumble into his armor with a dull expression.

Coran frowned.

"We'll be down in a few ticks, Princess!"

When silence followed Voran walked up to Lance and set a gloved Hand upon his shoulder, eyes concerned.

"Lad, are you alright?"

Something twinkled within Lances blue eyes that was just barely there. A glint.

Of course Lance wasn't alright.

He was sleep deprived, homesick, depressed, and anxious like a peeing chihuahua.

Hell, the boy had just gotten sick and that added to the ever growing lists of reasons why he wasn't alright.

Lance grinned, but it didn't reach those ocean blues in his skull. "Of course, I think I just had too much food goo."

Coran squinted a bit and tilted his head.  
"I've noticed you've been quiet the past few training days. And you're not yourself, indeed a little pale as well."

Lance frowned.

He hated that Coran knew him better than any of the others by a long shot, maybe.

Hunk knew a lot, but not like Coran.

A sad smile replaced the fake one, and now a true look filled his eyes. Sadness and guilt.

Any father, biological or not, shouldn't have to hear the following words out of their son.

Lance sighed, "Coran, I think I've given up. I can't stick around here anymore."

Motivation was gone.  
Lance was totaled.

The team had been out here for a few months over a year and Lance KNEW it was selfish.

But it was degrading, being here

Coran frowned, squeezing his almost sons shoulder a bit tighter. Worry etched into the creases of his eyes and fluffed his mustache.

"I...I'm afraid I don't understand, m' boy. Are you leaving Voltron?" Coran question with a stammer in his voice.

The sound broke Lance's heart but he had to stay true to what he believed was best. 

He shook his head.

"I'm going back to Earth, or dying in the process." Lance stated firmly. 

The blue paladin thought he had it all figured out. Pack enough provisions to lay him until the next planet, and then he could stop and resupply on repeat via each planet.

Until he made it to Earth.

It could take a week, a month, or for the Rest of his life until he got back to Earth.

Maybe he would die in space.

But it would be better if his only other option was being eaten away by the life of a paladin.

It was irrational and selfish.  
An totally unlike Lance.

Very.  
Unlike Lance.

Coran squired his eyes suspiciously, tilting his head. "My boy, are you okay? You're looking a little..."

Purple was what Coran wanted to say.

A splotch on the boys cheek had formed right before the alien uncle's eyes. A blue eye started to turn yellow.

Galra.

Coran shoved 'Lance' away and jerked away. This wasn't Lance. 

It was a Galra spy.  
How...?

A punch sent Coran barreling into the opposite wall and he yelled out for the others.

"Help! Guys, the castle has been in---"

Galra Lance was slowly turning into his true form, and he attacked the Altean man with everything he had.

"Stupid Altean! I had you and your whole crew fooled for days, thinking I was this measly paladin."

You were fooled too.

Coran groaned, hearing shouts and footsteps coming down the hallway.

He was about to scream but Galra Lance's first went to his gut and he dropped to the ground and slumped.

"Hhhhhhh..." Coran wheezed.

The rest of the team piled into the doorway, shouting and stopping as they saw 'Lance' and the Coran.

"It's not Lance, I-i-it's a spy!" Coran gasped and only earned himself another kick and he cried out.

A devious and wicked smile disgusted the team as it came from the spy, all taking their weapons.

"Where's Lance!" Keith shouted.

Motivation his ass.  
If you played the part you had to think the part, was what this Galra went by.

He grinned, everything Galra now except for one dazzling blue eye. It was horrid.

"The blue paladin?"

An awful laugh came.

"Your friend... is dead." The laugh that followed was some horrid thing mixed with Galra and Lance. 

Lance was long gone.


	37. Here and Now

Birds singing. 

A privilege many hear every day but cannot simply take time to genuinely notice.

Six o'clock sharp you'll hear the first robins chirp, and all the species that follow as if an alarm clock for the Earth.

Wake up!  
Wake up, beautiful Earth, it's time to be alive! Alive!

Listening to the pit-pit-pattering of rain on cement and asphalt, or the rustling of crisp leaves.

All sounds that are so common that you overlook them and don't think about the way they are sole example of everything.

The Earth speaking to its inhabitants.

It's truly beautiful, when one listens.

Lance was born with his hearing impairment. It was nothing he could help.

The disability didn't had never truly affected him significantly for a good portion of his life.

Only when he was a bit over oneyear old did his parents notice something was up and took him to the doctor to check him out.

Hard of hearing, was all.

From that age forward Lance wore hearing aids, so he could gain back the sense he was without so he could hear the world.

Hear his family; hear his friends.

More importantly hear the world around him so Lance could remain safe in it.

Police sirens.  
Gun shots.  
Shouting.

Just so he could get on, is all.  
And the blue eyed boy did perfectly well in the world. Better than most would think.

But when the adventure into space came about in the young man's life, significant difficulties came about.

August came around, or at least it was supposed to be August back on Earth, and Lance found his hearing aids failing.

It started when they were all eating at the table and he could hear what Allura was addressing.

The following week he couldn't hear Shiro right next to him, asking him quietly if he could do a quick chore.

Lance started to speak louder as he began to be unable to hear his own voice.

That really got on everyone's nerves.  
The constant repetition of what they were saying, or how Lance was practically yelling wherever he went.

It was frustrating for Lance, to be constantly told to be quiet or to shut up in general.

He was just asking a question.  
He just couldn't hear you.

The team knew of his disability, why couldn't they just be patient with him?

Finally it was suggested that Pudge try her best to fix the things so Lance would be able to go back to the way it had been before.

Unfortunately though, the suggestion only came up when he finally couldn't hear at all.

Lance would have to be completely deaf do a few days, which was something he hadn't had to go through since he was very young.

It wasn't great.

Lance was annoyed by the constant silence, like his ears were stuffed with cotton balls.

He could hear explosions, but they came off as just like if he were listening to a movie.

Lance couldn't go on missions.  
He could hear commands, or threats, which was dangerous even though he could see.

So Lance was left to sulk.

Just sulk.

He was cranky and everyone else was cranky with him, so Lance decided to stay holed up in his room so he wasn't any trouble.

The blue paladin dos simply nothing.

Imagine a sense taken away from you.  
Albeit hearing, taste, sight, smell, or the sense of touch. Imagine it gone.

You could hear your lover's voice.

You couldn't taste your mother's cooking.

You couldn't see your children grow up.

You couldn't smell the scent of home.

You couldn't feel a friends hug.

Imagine any sense taken from you, big or small or in any portion. Total or slight.

What would you do?  
Would you sulk?

Take a could notice of the world around you and appreciate that it's there.

That you're there, living within it all.

You may just discover something more amazing and beautiful than you may have never imagined before.

Exist.


	38. Corrections.

*Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm.*  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

"I didn't---"

"You were screwing around and you COST US THE MISSION!" Shiro bellowed. The man never yelled in stressful situations unless it wa Slav the shout was intended towards.

Lance felt his blood run cold and he looked away, sweat beads forming on his forehead.

"And you know what?! Allura is STUCK THERE for god knows how much longer!"  
Shiro was red in the face, fuming.

"Hunk dos as he was told! So did Pidge and Keith! They followed orders and carried through with their parts!" 

Lance had to stand straight and stud so his whole body wouldn't shake the way it wanted to.

Everyone was staring.  
Lance fucked up.

Again, oh god.

"Now WHY--- why, couldn't you do your part? Are you a paladin of Voltron?!"

The blue eyed boy started to reply, but didn't get that far.

"Start acting like one!" Shiro finished.

The black paladin turned on his heel and promptly exited, ordering the others to their rooms for the night.

The tension was unbelievable.

No one had EVER heard their leader like that, and no one could process what had just happened before their eyes.

It was... Well, nobody wanted to be in Lance's place, that was for certain.

The boy stood there, staring at the ground and his tears welling up. They awaited to fall and then for the waterfalls to evoke.

Yet none of the others offered condolence.  
The trio didn't know what to do besides obey their order and hope no trouble would come.

Even Coran left with nothing more than just a sympathetic smile, but he too was upset.

Not at Shiro's outburst, but for the fact that Allura was still out there on that Galra ship.

Lance was left alone.

Although they had all opportunity, his tears never fell and his sons never came. He went numb.

He'd screwed up.

Big time.

Lance decided, later that night when he couldn't sleep, to train. It had been a god awful day and he wanted some sort of release.

Maybe the bot could knock some sense and skill into him while the blue paladin was at it.

Damn did he need it.

The blue paladin wasn't sure how long he had been training, uninterrupted. 

It felt like maybe an hour, forty five minutes? The boy had no idea.

Only when Shiro called out his name over the sound of gunfire and the robots clanging did he stop.

Shiro was frowning, and Lance could only imagine the wave of anger and harsh words that were about to come his way.

Those never came.

Shiro frowned, still in his night attire. "Lance, it's nearly 4 a.m., what are you still doing up?"

The blue paladin panted, wiping his forehead and blinked. Was it 4am?

Sure enough, Lance found that he'd been on here for nearly six whole hours.

Holy crap.

His legs shook, and the boy sunk to his knees and bowed his head. Shiro rushed over.

"Lance, are you---"

Finally, the boy was able to cry. 

Maybe it was because the constant training was broken, or maybe it was because he was seeing the man that caused him all of this distress.

Either way, he was crying. Hard.

The black paladin put his arm around Lance's shoulder and attempted to hush him, but the boy wouldn't calm.

Lance had his hands over his eyes, his shirt soaked from the sweat of training. Newly formed holes in his jeans and shoes scuffed.

Six hours of training.

Shiro sighed, "Lance, I was too harsh on you earlier. I shouldn't have said what I did, and I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

Lance coughed, sniffling a few times. He knew Shiro meant it but the pain of the words was still there.

The truth of the words was still there.

Not even the slow rubbing up and down of his back seemed to calm him much. 

Lance just...hurt. A lot.

Shiro frowned, hating the way Lance was digging his palms into his eyes and his nails into his forehead. 

"Lance..." 

He reached forward, grabbing the boy's wrist, but didn't move further than that. A lump formed in the black Paladin's throat.

Lance didn't.   
Shiro couldn't help the guilty tears that stung his eyes as he slowly pulled Lances arms away.

There they were.  
Semi fresh, angry red lines that the tri shade haired man new we're only from hours before.

And were HIS fault.

Once Lance realized what Shiro's pause was about, following his gaze, he jerked away and yanked down his sleeves.

"Shiro, Shiro---  I--- Please don't be mad I--- Don't tell the other please--- Look, I'm sorry that I messed up today. I know I suck at being a paladin and being a person in general but---" 

Shiro hugged Lance. Tightly, as protecting the younger man in his arms from any more self deprecating thoughts.

It hurt to know that Lance did this to himself. Shiro had seen white scars under the red.

It was the black Paladin's fault that Lance started that again, he just knew it.

He shouldn't have scolded Lance.

A sniffle was heard. 

"Shiro...? What's going on? Is Lance okay?" A small voice came from behind.

The black and blue paladin looked up, seeing the rest of the team standing in their pajamas.

All looked tired, and confused.

Shiro let go of Lance with one arm, extending it towards the rest of the family.

Everyone followed suit after a moment's hesitation. A cuddle puddle ensued.

The group surrounded Lance in a massive group hug, only Shiro and the blue paladin of why it was happening.

But that was okay.

It would be okay.

Lance felt himself calm, his tears ceasing.  
Everyone was here and they were supporting him and maybe they got into fights but that's what families did.

Lance smiled and nuzzles his face into the nearest neck, face warm and he felt safe.

In later morning they would get Allura back. Make up another plan.

But for now?

Lance was happy right where he was at.


	39. March to the Sea

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Lance groaned, adjusting his armor with more than just a few complaints.

"Of all planets, it had to be a desert one? I can't take MY hotness and the planet's heat. I'm going to melt." He huffed, looking at the others. 

Allura sighed, "We needed a place to land. When Haggar hit Voltron with her spell, we didn't know what the potential effects would be. Coran is running tests now."

The team sighed in unison, but decided doing a little scouting wouldnt hurt anybody. 

Just get a look around.

As time wore on, and small talk was made here and there, Lance began to notice Hunk looking uncomfortable.

The yellow paladin was limping, and rubbing random parts of his armor.

"Hunk, buddy, are you alright?" Lance asked, make the five of them stopped and attention to go to the man.

"Uh, yeah? Or, actually, I don't really think so but it could be nothing. It's like, I'm not sure." Hunk sighed, and reached to take off his helmet.

"I think it's just too hot---"

A round of gasps and a shout from Pidge startled the large, anxious boy. He looked around quickly, "What? Is there something on my face?"

A large hand rest on his cheek, but didn't move further. "Please tell me this is just try skin?"

Shiro had his eyes wide, "Hunk, you look like a Balmeran. Did yo--- Pidge!"

The green paladin was sprouting antennae like things on her forehead, like the Olkari. 

"What's going on? Paladins?" Allura said over com, only hearing grunts and shouts.

The entire team was doubled over, their limbs contortion into species that only a few they recognized.

It wasn't painful, in a sense.  
But it also wasn't pleasant either.

"Princess, look!" Coran could be heard, "Don't you see?! Haggar's Magic is turnin into the original makers of the lions!" 

The mustachioed man almost seemed excited, despite the circumstances. 

Allura was not as excited, looking a little less than horrified. "Paladins! Did you hear that?" She noticed her uncle paying more attention to the screen to watch the team.

"Coran, please try and fix up the damage the castle took during battle. We need to leave as soon as possible so we can get this reversed." The Princess demanded.

Outside, most lay on their sides and panted. It was quite a stampede of multiple alien species.

Keith sat up first, shaky. But in all honesty he didn't FEEL much different, in fact, the only thing he noticed was that the heat didn't bother him.

It felt refreshing, actually.  
A species that lived within volcanoes.

"Is everyone...okay?" It was a sort of dumb question. Everyone certainly wasn't okay, their bodies just drastically different.

"I'm okay." Pidge answered, sounding a little bit sick. She was impressed by the Olkari, but only for their skill. Not their look.

Hunk nodded, "I'm alright too. Boy, what do you think Shay would think of this?"

Shiro was already standing, now helping Keith. "Are you okay?" The black paladin had concern and also confusion in his voice.

So this is what Haggar had done to them? What was her point? It didn't largely affect the group much so far.

There had to be something they weren't seeing. Would the lions not accept them?

No, precious Paladins hadn't all been human so surely other species were allowed inside.

They were still the same people as well.

"Come on everybody, we need to get back to the castle to see if there's a way to reverse this." Shiro let go of Keith, turning.

One, Two, Three, himself was Four...  
Wait, where was Lance?

"Oh my god! Lance?!" Hunk shoved past Shiro all of a sudden and everyone turned to see their blue paladin.

It was an unanimous hold of breath.

The bottom of his armor was completely gone, discarded a few feet away, and any cloth that remained was torn at.

His legs gone.

Now, not completely detached of course, but replaced. With what?

A several foot long mermaid tail, bright blue and shimmering in the desert sun.

"Holy sh..." Keith trailed off and they all quickly followed Hunks footsteps.

The yellow paladin, looking Balmeran, rolled Lance over with a grunt. That tail was massive and weighed more than Lance himself normally.

"Lance? Hey, Lance, I know I look funny but it's Hunk. Are you okay?" Worry  etched into his voice.

The mermaid boy's eyes were wide, and a solid blue color. Lighter blue pupils danced in the middle. Scales ran around his cheeks, all the way down his neck and arms and back in light patches.

He had thick gills flaring on the sides of his neck, and Lances mouth wide open as he was seemingly gasping for air.

The blue paladin already was red in the face, and it became quite obvious that he was in a "fish out of water" state.

Oh shit.

"Oh god, Shiro, guys--- L-Lance can't breathe!" Hunk feel his own breath pick up, and he grabbed one of Lance's webbed hands.

"What do we do?!" Pidge asked, all eyes going to their leader. 

Way to be put on the spot.

Shiro turned, seeing the castle as a faint speck across the hot desert plains. There would be no way to get Lance back in time.

Especially in this state, and how hard he would be to carry with the massive mermaid tail.

Shiro cursed in his head, "Uh, I--- Princess Allura, we have an emergency. Lance was turned to some, uh, merperson? We need to get him back and into water, he can't breathe." 

Even the black paladin was a little flustered, because this was one of his teammates lives on the line.

He managed to keep a strong demeanor.

Static answered them, before Allura finally responded back. "Can you carry him? Coran just shut down the castle for repairs, we can't get to the pods for at least another five minutes if we were to power on again."

Keith was next to Lance now, wearing the same worried expression he did when Lance was in the healing pod.

"He doesn't HAVE five minutes!" Keith felt anger boil within, and the ground at his knees sizzled and smoked.

"You have to carry him! Try!" Allura said, "We are powering on the castle. We will get there as soon as possible!"

It hit the team hard how grave of a situation they were in now. Lance was dying, turned into a water creature in the middle of a hot desert.

It was impossible.

Hunk spoke fast. "I'm Balmeran right? Could I heal him or something?" 

Keith looked up, "Do you know how to do that? Don't you need the Balmera planet's life force?"

Everyone deflated when Hunk shook his head slowly, scared. All heads slowly bowed to look at Lance.

He had passed out, but his gills still desperately fought for a source of air that they could breathe.

They were slowing.   
Lance looked so dry.

"We...have to try carrying him. Come on."

The team silently surrounded Lance, picking him up from different angles and hoisting him off of the dirt.

Hunk and Shiro at the tail, Pidge and Keith near his upper human half.

They walked and walked, despite physical exhaustion and the heat they all had to keep going.

Save your friend.  
Keep going, keep going.

Team Voltron knew it wasn't going to work out. They listened to Allura and Coran in their headsets, bickering about how quickly things needed done and what needed done.

This wasn't a walk to save their friend.  
Even if they had tried harder, Lances survival probability wouldn't have been much better.

They were too far away from the ship, and Lance was heavy in this condition. 

With sullen faces and sweaty palms, gnawed lips and teary eyes, they walked on.

This was no longer a walk to save their friend. Not anymore.

It was a funeral march.


	40. Some Things CAN Be Replaced

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
When they got Matt back, everyone was joyous. Especially Pidge and Shiro. 

A brother was returned to a smaller version of a family and everyone was happy as could be.

Pidge wasn't as snappy, she got along better with everyone as she no longer had the burden of a missing brother.

Shiro wasn't as stoic, and you heard his laugh more often. He'd even crack a joke or two, he was able to lighten up.

Keith of course was glad to have Shiro back, and even happier that Shiro returned in better shape than expected, all thanks to Matt.

Matt was a fantastic contributor to the team, and was a friend to all.

He tasted Hunks cooking, and loved to give him ideas on what the yellow paladin could whip up next.

Matt was always happy to listen to his little sister go on about her projects and modifications. He was proud of her intelligence.

He even became close with Coran and Allura, fascinated by their tech and stories of Altea and its past.

Shiro and the man were inseparable.

Then Matt was introduced to the Lions.

Lance hadn't had a problem with Matt before, not a significant one at least. The guy was hilarious, and knew some of the best pick up lines.

But there were insignificant problems that the blue paladin had with the older Holt.

He was becoming Lances replacement.

In the past, Lance acted the way Matt did and was always brushed off, or received not as positive feedback.

Pidge was never interested in explaining her projects to Lance.

Keith and Shiro wouldn't offer to train with him just for fun.

Hunk might ask for a taste tester here and there, but the Mice were requested more than he was.

Lance was fine.  
It's be fine.

It has only been a week and soon everything would be back to normal and Matt would just be another body in the castle.

Another person, just like everyone else.  
But he only became more of a God as time went on.

When Matt met the lions, he had immediately been drawn to Blue.

Lance wasn't sure why, the guy just was.  
That made an uneasy feeling rise in his gut, and his blood slow in his veins.

"Yeah, this is my girl, Blue. Isn't she a beauty?" Lance said proudly, putting a hand in the cool metal of her structure.

Matt adjusted his glasses with a sideways smile, "She sure is! Mind if I take a peek inside?"

Why couldn't Matt have been interested in the Black lion? Or maybe even the Green lion?

Why did it have to be Blue?  
LANCE'S lion?

"Uh, yeah sure, she might be a little protective though, ha ha." Lance scratched the back of his neck and led Matt inside.

Why did Lance tell him yes?

After this entire week Lances dislike for Matt had only grown, and his dislike for himself only stronger.

Sure, Matt was better with his friends.  
Sure, Matt trained better.

But Lance was one thing that Matt wasn't, and that was the Blue Paladin of Voltron.

"Wow, the Blue lion looks different than the other lions." Matt observed, making it to the cockpit and admiring her hardware.

Lance smiled a little, cautiously watching him. "Yeah, she's meant for the water so I guess she does have a few quirks."

Suddenly Matt sat down in the pilots seat, and Lance stiffened.

It was fine. It was fine.  
Not like Matt could power her up anyway. Only the lions paladin could form that bond and---

"Woah!" Matt gasped.

Suddenly all of the lions screens turned on and lit up, the boys hands hovering over them.

Lances heart dropped.

"I think she likes me! Can you hear that Lance? It's like it's alive and purring, so weird!" Matt chuckled, and started testing buttons.

Lance didn't like that.

Matt could take his friends.  
Matt could take his friendships.

He could take his jokes and his lines and his personality and all of it.

But he wasn't going to take his lion.  
Lance couldn't stand here and watch the boy iterate and touch his lions buttons and sit in that seat and---

"Woah, Lance, are you alright?"

The blue paladin shook his head, coming back to the present and looked down at Matt. He looked worried.

That disgusted the blue eyed boy.

"Wait, are you...crying?" Matt asked, face scrunching and he looked uncomfortable now.

Lance wiped his eyes, "Get out."

Matt blinked, "What?"

"I said get out of my lion!!" He shouted, shoving Pidges brother. "Go train with Shiro! Cook with Hunk!"

Lance was suddenly crying harder and he just wanted Matt to go away. He was being rude and irrational and he'd be chewed out for it later but he didn't care right now.

"I wish you were still stuck on that damned Galra ship!" The blue eyed boy shouted.

The cockpit fell silent.

Matt stood, bewildered for a moment, before his features softened. "Lance, I understand you're upset. I'll go, but I'm here for you if you need me."

Lance remained stiff and quiet, minus sniffling, as Matt left the Blue lion.

The blue paladin gave it a few minutes, before shakily wiping his eyes and plopping down into Blues seat.

"God..."

Matt was even calm in situations where Lance just flipped out and made a fool of himself.

He could t think about it any longer.  
There would be a lecture later and Lance could wait until then to get these feelings out again.

For now, he slept.


	41. That's What Friends Are For

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Lance outwardly sighed, grumbling to himself as he walked away from the failed simulator session.

Again.

Pidge and Hunk looked after him from behind, but decided that maybe it was best for them not to go after him right now. 

They had finals to study for anyway.

Lance went straight to the dorm room he shared with his crew mates, dropping into his bed with a grumble.

It was frustrating, being Lance.

He was constantly trying to keep up a positive demeanor, whilst keeping his friends happy, and focus on on school.

It took all he and his family had to get him into the Garrison and now it was... was clearly all in vain.

Lance was just a waste of the money that his family had desperately needed.

"Go to school, hijo. Be an amazing pilot and do good things for our family and the world." His mama had told him when he had first refused.

Lance knew then it would be impossible to face her if he ever let her down.

Now look where he was.

Lance was such a failure.  
Just a step in, for that Leith guy.

The blue eyed boy would change if he could; would be better if only he could try harder.

But he couldn't.  
Lance was already trying his absolute hardest and he was still screwing up.

He was holding everyone back.

If Lance could just fly straight then Hunk could easily man the simulators systems and keep them safe.

If Lance could just hold off on his ego and instinct for a moment and listen to Pidge, maybe they wouldn't crash so often.

'...They called me the tailor because of how I thread the needle...'

Pft, yeah right.

The only needle he'd ever thread was the ones in the skin of all the victims he would have if he ever actually flew a mission.

Lance hadn't realized he'd drawn his knees up close to himself, hands over his ears and he was shaking.

Not another panic attack.

Why did it always turn out this way?

Lance always had to be over dramatic about each of his failures. Why did he have to think the things he did?

If only Lance could be better, as good as he wanted to be, as good as Keith.

As smart and techie as Pidge.  
Hardworking as Hunk.

Better than who he was.  
If only---

There was a knock on the door, and Lance quickly collected himself.

Not now, you can be ridiculous later.

Lance stood up, smoothing out his orange uniform and pretended to be organizing his desk.

"Come in." Lance called, hoping his voice hadn't wavered too much.

When he looked up to see who was entering, Lances shoulders slumped when he saw Hunk.

The blue eyed boy sighed and smiled, "Oh hey, Hunk. Did you come in here to study? I'll be out in just a second so it'll be quiet and---"

"Lance." Hunk looked at his best friend with a sympathetic look, eyes holding concern.

Oh no not that look.  
Lance hated that look.

That was pity.

"Look, don't listen to what Iverson said, okay? We actually did better this time." Hunk tried at positivity. "We still had both wings."

Lance let a smile quirk up, but honestly Hunks words didn't help as much as he had hoped.

The only reason they lost wings before was because of Lance trying to show off.

"Yeah, thanks buddy..." Lance mumbled, rubbing his eyes and shuffled with some paper.

It was starting to hurt.  
His head, all of the thoughts rolling through it and getting stuck and infecting.

Hunk frowned, watching his friend.  
He hated to see Lance upset.

The bigger male knew exactly the causes of his stress, and how to fix it.

"Are you okay?" He asked, quietly.

Lances posture stiffened, and his head bowed slightly. Of course he wasn't.

There were rare occasions that he ever was, and damn Hunk for knowing exactly how to push him over the edge.

Lances hands started to shake, and the tears started to swell and the darkness started to swarm around him.

He wasn't okay.

His heart started to beat so loud that he could hear it in his ears and Lance found it hard to breathe.

Lance started to reach up to cover his ears to block out the static and be rid of---

Strong arms guided his arms down and wrapped around his small frame instead. A tight embrace, full of comfort.

The darkness went away.  
The static started to fuzz out and he could hear Hunk behind him, speaking.

"You're okay, Lance."

You're okay, Lance.  
Yeah, he was.

Lance was okay now.  
The tears kept falling, but he was okay.

Lance turned around and returned Hunks hug, whispering thank you's and apologies.

He would be okay.  
Hunk soothingly rubbed the boys back and he couldn't help but smile.

Lance told Hunk what had happened, and the thoughts that had come to his mind.

Hunk concluded, although he too was crying at hearing someone he cared about so deeply thinking so poorly of themself, that Lance was definitely not a screw up.

He was Lance McClain.  
And Lance McClain was not a screw up.

He was Hunks best friend and a hella gold one at that. Maybe he needed to work on flying, but there were so many hints Lance COULD do.

Lance would go on to do so many great things that neither of them even could even dream about yet. 

They say there for hours and talked.  
As they both were about to go to sleep, Lance spoke again.

"Thanks for everything, Hunk."

The blue eyed Cuban could hear the sleepy smile on the other side of the room as Hunk spoke.

"No problem, man. That's what friends are for, isn't it?"


	42. Some Things CAN Be Replaced: Part 2.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
He dreamed of Blue.

Lance was sitting in the hangar where the Blue lion was kept, but instead of a giant metal entity, there was a small cat in his arms.

He grinned as the little grey Alaskan Blue kitten gnawed at his fingers, dazzling blue eyes squinted.

"Hey girl, be gentle." He chuckled, putting her on her back in his lap and rubbed at her belly. "You like that?"

He was happy here.  
Just him and Blue.

Whenever Lance fell asleep in his lion, he shared this dream with the Blue Lion of Voltron. 

Just another way he bonded with his lion.  
Was it like this for the others?

This was one of the reasons Lance frequently abandoned his room to come sleep here. It was calming.

It was just him and Blue.  
Although it was a mind connected dream, tonight's went a little differently.

Tonight, Blue got up from his lap and ran off. Lance followed of course, surprised.

He didn't like where it took him.

Matt.

The other boy was bending over to pick blue up and scratch behind her ears, and the cat was adoring it.

No.

"Hey, Blue, come on." Lance said tentatively. Was this Matt real? Or was Blue just thinking about him?

Lance swallowed, "Blue, come here, beautiful." He took a few steps forward.

The cat's head turned, hissing at Lance.  
He stood still in his spot, heart racing.

"Blue? It's just me, Lance, your paladi---"

He reached out to her, hand shaky, but Lance only managed a few inches. Barely grazing her fur.

Blue had swiped at him.  
Her claws had met his skin and he scrambled back, staring at the red that started to bead up.

No.

Lance chest tightened, and the tears fell.  
He was forced to watch as Matt turned away, carrying his lion and disappearing.

No. This wasn't happening.

It was the panic that woke him up.  
When you're about to die in a dream but you wake up before it can carry on.

Lance looked around, still inside his lion but it was dark and cold. He felt strange.

Like he didn't belong.

The blue paladin was quick to exit Blue, too shaken to look back and do anything else but see what the others were doing.

The argument with Matt last night brought him back to the present and his walking slowed.

He regretted what he said, it wasn't right.  
But at the same time, after that dream, Lance couldn't help but feel angry all over again.

Matt took his lion.  
Matt took his spot.

Matt would be the blue paladin.

Lance swallowed back the taste of bile that rose in his throat, and looked up as he heard voices.

There they all were, backs to Lance, and Matt facing them and talking. Oh no.

The blue eyed boys breath hitches and he was about to turn and run when a voice stopped him.

"Lance?" It was Shiro.

He stuck a smile on his face, wincing internally, and turned to face Shiro. "Oh hey guys, I was just---"

"We need to talk to you."

Lance felt his heart skip a few beats and he almost willed it to have an attack and kill him.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen.

He bowed his head and nodded, walking in shame over to the team and standing a little off to the side.

All of those states, several pairs of crossed arms. Lance felt like he was under interrogation.

"Matt told us you were upset. Can we help?" Hunk said, sounding worried.

Lance flicked his eyes to Matt, then to his friends. Weren't they going to scold him?

He chuckled lightly, "Upset? Of course not you guys, I'm fine." What a lie, and everyone in the room knew it.

Keith spoke up, "Are you having trouble bonding with your lion? Matt said he went in there and you were sleeping in it."

"He said you looked like you'd been crying and he came to us." Hunk added in.

Lances eyebrows furrowed, and he stared at Matt. He hadn't told them about the fight?

What was going on?

"You know it's okay if you need some help." Pidge said quietly from her spot near Keith and Hunk.

It finally clicked for the boy.  
Matt had no intention to steal his place on this team. If he had, he would have told his friends what really happened between him and Lance.

Lance felt horrible now.

"Thanks you guys. I guess I was upset, you know? Blue wasn't feeling well and it projected to me. I'm okay now though."

They seemed to believe it. All of them smiled, nodding. "Alright. We are going to hit the training deck, coming?"

Lance hesitated, but Matt cut in.

"We will meet you guys there. I want to talk to Lance." He smiled, and waited until they all accepted and walked off.

The blue paladin looked to Matt, "Look, I'm sorry for what I said last night. It wasn't right, and I didn't mean it."

Matt nodded, "I know, and I forgive you. Shiro told me about your bond with the blue lion, and I realized why you were angry with me."

Lance looked down.

"But, I want you to know I would never take her from you. Based on what Coran and Allura told me, nothing can break a bond between Paladin and Lion when it's like yours." He said, keeping a smile.

Lance looked up, tears in his eyes.   
"..." Why was this guy such a good person? Why couldn't he get that image of Matt walking away with his lion out of his head?

"I had a dream last night...." Lance went on explain what he had seen, and the way it had made him feel.

Matt frowned at times, sometimes smiled.  
But in the end he was still smile .

"You've got a special girl, Lance." Matt said and offered a kind hand. "And you can be mad if you'd like, but she is yours."

Lance stared at the hand, then took it and gave it a firm shake. He was smiling through tears.

Matt winked, "Some Things CAN Be replaced, but not a guy like you Lance. Let's hit the training deck and kick Keith's ass eh?"

The blue paladin beamed  
It was fine.


	43. Like Father, Like Son.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Everyone felt it that day.

The castle was quieter than it should have been, and quieter than it had ever been before.

It was Father's Day.  
And someone was missing.

Breakfast was silent, and Keith didn't e bother to show up. That had become the norm for the red paladin though.

Pidge sat quietly next to Hunk, eyes red from lack of sleep and probably crying too.

Hunk are slower than usual, looking around at the members of the table but never making eye contact.

Coran was trying to get Allura to eat something, for he knew how today troubled her. Alfor was gone, but this was her first Father's Day without him after 10,000 years since the last.

Lance sat at the end of the table, away from everyone. He stared at his food goo but took no particular interest in actually eating it.

Shiro was missing, the most father like person he had was gone. His hero.

Lance and the others had planned it all out; once they found out when it would be in space.

They were going to make him a food goo feast, and have a sort of celebration in the training room.

The mice rehearsed a show, and everyone made gifts or cards of sorts.

It would have been the best Father's Day once could have in space. That was until Shiro went missing weeks prior.

Lance was also missing Fathers Day back at his home on Earth, and he knew for sure the others did too.

They all had a Space Dad to miss, and actual Dad's to miss. The castle was quiet.

The blue paladin stood, taking his plate and putting it in the washer. He wasn't that hungry anyway.

With head bowed, he padded off to the observatory, where he had been everyday since Shiro went missing.

Everyone stayed away from each other, unless it was time for a mission or there was an attack.

Pidge in her room.  
Hunk in the kitchen.  
Keith in the training area.  
Allura and Coran just... about.

As the door glided open and Lance entered, he let out a sigh and went to sit in the middle of the room. 

"Show me Earth."

The holographic map of the solar system covered the room, and right in front of Lance flowed Earth, brightest of them all.

Lance smiled sadly, "Hey there."

He sat down, and just watched it spin in time. Lance wondered what it was like back there.

His mama would be cooking all day. Making snacks and dips and punches of all flavors.

His papa would be out, sent off away from the house as his day was prepared. 

All of his brothers and sisters would be cleaning the yard, cleaning the pool, or cleaning the house. 

It would be very busy.

Lance always preferred to stay in the kitchen and cook with his mother. 

When father would come home, he would always scoop Lance up, no matter how big he was or how old he had gotten, and place him on his back.

"Lance! You ready to get in the pool?"

It was fun.  
The blue eyed boy missed them.

His reminiscence was interrupted by the door open, and Lance looked up to see Coran approaching him.

"Lance, my boy, I saw you didn't eat your breakfast this morning. Are you alright?" He came over and stood next to the boy, a twinge in his eyes.

The paladin smiled a bit, "I wasn't really hungry. Thank you for asking, Coran." 

He turned and stared back at Earth, cheek resting on his knee.

A few ticks of silence based, and Coran broke it by sitting next to Lance. He tilted his head at Earth. "You know..."

Lance looked over at him.

"... I regard you like a son, Lance. I might not be Number One, or your Earth father, but I love you like my own and I want you to know that."

Lance's eyes widened a bit, looking to the red haired Altean next to him. "I... Thanks, Coran."

The gorgeous man shrugged, "If you'd like I can take you to do some training."

Lance groaned, "Keith is in there."

Coran seemed to think for a moment and then looked to Lance with a grin, "How about we get in the pool?"

The blue Paladins heart skipped a beat and he sat up, staring at the Altean next to him.

How did he...?

Lance wiped his eyes, discovering they had teared up a little, and he smiled. 

Coran wasn't his biological family, but he was the next best thing. He remembered something he'd seen on a tv show once.

Family don't end in blood.  
Such wise words.

"Sure."

Coran helped the boy to his feet with an offered hand, "I can show you how to flip the pool too, if you'd like." He suggested as they walked.

He winked, twirling his mustache, "One thing you can know that Keith doesn't to twist is undies, eh?"

Lance laughed, "Yeah, I guess so."

He hadn't laughed in forever.


	44. Sleeping Powder

Song Used:  
Sleeping Powder by Gorillaz   
\----  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

She gave me sleeping powder.

Lance rubbed his eyes, staggering along the hallway to his bedroom. He was so tired.

He'd been kept up most of the night, running through ideas on where Shiro could have disappeared to and thinking of home.

If Lance were to ever disappear like that, he would go home. But that was the issue.

No one really knew much about Shiro before the Garrison and the Kerberos mission, so where would he go?

The blue paladin glided through the door as it slid open for him, and he walked to his desk.

It was tiresome.  
This was what...? Day five?

Lance hadn't slept more than an hour over the past five days and it was starting to deteriorate his system significantly.

He was seeing shadows that weren't there, hearing buzzes and ringing in his ears that weren't real.

Training went horribly each day, and Lance could hardly pilot Blue correctly.

It wasn't safe, it wasn't healthy, but what could he say to the others? All they could really do was tell him to sleep, maybe they'd let him take breaks.

But nothing would work.

Sitting at his desk, Lance decided he couldn't let this go on. It wasn't healthy for him and it would damage the team's performance. 

It took him an hour to will himself up, and back out his room, in search of the princess of the castle.

He found her in the kitchen, watching the mice as they ate. "Princess?"

The Altean looked up, "Oh, Lance, what are you doing up?" She seemed wide awake, eyes bright as ever and voice clear.

Lance was the opposite. "That's what I should be asking you, this is like the third night I've seen you up and about."

Allura smiled and hummed, "I've been a little busy with castle duties, so I've needed to stay up so I can perform them."

The blue paladin rose an eyebrow, "But you don't sleep? How do you manage to stay up?"

Allura picked up a glass she was drinking out of, "This juice has a special Altean powder that I put into it. I found it in storage; it boosts your mental alertness and physical activity quota so one could stay sharp during night long battles. If taken with food, it also doubles as a sleep enabler. That's why I haven't had much of an appetite, because I need to stay awake, not fall asleep."

Lance rose a brow, "And it works?"

He would give anything to sleep, anything to be able to close his eyes and forget his troubles for a little bit.

"It appears so, would you like to try it?" She offered, holding out the glass to the paladin.

Lance's eyes widened a little.

And that was where it had started.  
For a week forward, Lance put the powdered substance into his drink with dinner, thanks to Allura.

The boy would sleep so well, he's barely make it to his prom before he was knocked out.

When he'd wake up, he'd be alert and ready for the day.

His training increased, he piloted Blue better than ever, and he was able to put his worries in the back of his mind.

Instead, he would think about the powder.

By the second week, Lance couldn't think of anything BUT the substance. 

Would he get it?   
Was it still going to work?

Lance started to mix more and more into it, scared that it would stop working and he'd have to go back to the way it used to be.

Allura hadn't mentioned something, when he offered Lance the drink that night. Not on purpose, it had just slipped her mind.

This Altean powder was meant for just that, Alteans. It kept them awake in ways their bodies and adaptations could handle.

Which was nothing like a humans.  
Lance's brain became addicted from that night forth, and it would screw him over.

Coran was the one who noticed the boy losing weight, and how jumpy and jittery he would be throughout the day.

Pidge noticed that Lance was becoming harder and harder to wake up whenever he slept.

The boy had completely slept through an alarm during the night, almost cost in them a mission.

One day, Lance woke up with a splitting headache that was so bad it made him sick. 

Why he noticed next, was how tired he felt. And that was when the panic set in.

His heart beat faster, faster than normal.  
Inhumanly fast, since the powder already had it goin fast enough.

Lance stumbled out of bed, headed for the kitchen where he knew his kick would be.

He wasn't tired, he couldn't be tired, he just slept! All he needed was a little bit o this and then he'd be up all day and it'd be fine.

The blue orbs in his eyes were shaking, his pupils dilated at impossible sizes.

He NEEDED it.

Lance broke out in a cold sweat, vision blurred with each turn of his head and it was like wry thing was on slow motion.

He NEEDED it.

The blue paladin frappes for glasses, breaking a few, and finally managed to hold onto one. 

Filling it with juice, he dig in his pocket for the all too familiar bag of little pink powder.

Lance dumped the entire thing into the drink, stirred it in, and was careful not to spill it's contents.

It was the only thing he could keep steady.

The world blurred and he heard nothing as he downed the drink in mere seconds, dropping the glass afterward.

Lance stood, visibly trembling on the spot and veins pulsing in his neck, arms, everywhere.

He could hear his blood flowing within in him and his own heartbeat that sounded slow, but in reality was near failing itself.

"Hijo, it's early, what are you doing up darling?" Came a familiar voice.

What? No...

"M-Mamá?" Lance whispered, and sticky pink drool went down his chin. "Where are you?"

He looked around, but found himself completely alone. The blue paladin found it hard to breathe.

"Mamá? MAMÁ!!!" He backed up, body unstable and he ha tears falling and snot running from his nose.

The pink substance stuck in his throat and it came from his mouth, and Lance fell.

He fell backwards as his heart gave out, and his nose started to bleed as cells exploded and burst.

Lance hit his head on the edge of the counter, and lay still on the ground as pink and red mixed in the floor.

Screams were heard after his nursing shut down, his body hit down, and the other found him after hearing crashes and his shouting.

His nerves would go on to twitch for minutes after his death and the others tried to resuscitate the blue paladin.

Lance never woke up.

I'm  gone with the self of the day, gone.  
Gone with the self of the day, gone gone.

Gone.


	45. Safe Places

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Lance looked around at the accusing glares of his teammates, all different intensities. He smiled nervously, "Oops."

They had been mapping out locations in the observatory of safe planets to land, or easy places to wormhole, in the case of an attack that needed quick escape.

The team had been at it for hours, and had over 120 spots pinpointed over multiple galaxies.

Lance, who had found the entire ordeal quite boring, had strolled away to check out the little holograms floating around.

He couldn't help that it was hard for him to pay attention, ADHD did that to a person. Focusing just wasn't his gig.

The blue paladin had started across the other side of the room, hands in his pockets and he just looked.

Until he thought he found Earth.

He should know what it looked like, he stared at its little hologram nearly every night.

Lance missed home.  
He missed the people back there.

Without much thought, Lance reached forward to zoom in, a happy little smile on his lips.

Home.

Look at it, just right there---

"Aw, what the heck?!" A chorus of shouts came from behind and Lance jumped.

He turned to see the team staring at him, looking annoyed and tired. "Hm?"

Pidge motioned frantically to the hologram around them, "Lance, we lost our spot! We lost our points!"

Lance blinked, "...how?"

Keith groaned, "Idiot, because you were screwing around with the screen!" 

Lance frowned, looking back at Earth, and saw how zoomed in it was and how the constellations and stars around him had changed too.

Oh, he didn't think that one through.  
Lance looked back at them and smiled nervously, "Oops?"

He was answered with grumbles, and a yawn from Hunk. They were tired and now were too frustrated to get significantly angry.

"Let's go to bed, we can start again in the morning." Shiro said, rubbing his forehead. "You too Lance."

Lance rubbed his neck, looking at the ground as the team and the Altean duo walked past him.

He grunted when Keith bumped into him, "Watch where you're going, Lance." The red paladin spat.

Lance frowned.  
Keith was the one who bumped into him! 

"Oh yeah, mull---"   
He was alone in the observatory.

He took a shaky breath, watching the doors close behind his friends, and sulked.

Great.  
He had annoyed them all, again.

Why could he just keep his hands to himself? Look don't touch, his mama had always said.

Lance sighed, arms coming up to pull up his hood and put it over his head. A safe place, where he could only see forward, and no one could see him.

Hoods were nice.  
When you can only look back at your mistakes, they allow you to dream ahead and block out any side distractions.

It was a new world, your own world, and provided the blue paladin with a sense of security. 

Safe.

He sat down, back in front of Earth, letting it float nearer to him and he watched it carefully.

The blue light illuminating the white space his head was tucked into, and it was just those two.

Lance and Earth.  
She was such a pretty lady.

His sadness escaped through a sigh, and he allowed himself to be calm. 

Tonight, he would fix it.  
Lance would stay up all night and go through the map an replot every point.

And as morning came, the hood would come off, and Lance would feel a little better.

Everything would be okay.

It had to be, otherwise what would have been the point of staying up all night to do all of this for his team?

He skipped breakfast, as that time came the following morning. Not that he was incredibly hungry anyway.

"203...204, wait, no..." Lance put down another point, rubbing his eyes and swaying in his spot.

Lance had marked down every point they had previously plotted, and finding he hadn't been able to sleep, continued on.

The blue paladin barely noticed as a door opened behind him, and the team entered.

"Wh--- Lance? We thought you were still sleeping, you weren't at breakfast." Princess Allura said with a hint of surprise in her tone.

Lance chuckled, "Nah, thought I would finish up some of our plotting."

Team Voltron and the Alteans were staring in awe at the color coordinated dots that glowed amongst the light blue holographic model.

"What is this?" Shiro asked.

Lance looked over, rubbing an eye.  
"I felt horrible last night, messing up the work you guys did. So I stayed up and fixed it. I even took the time to color coordinate them by condition, size, and whether or not they are open at certain times."

Each had their jaw dropped, staring at their blue paladin. He had done all of that?

"Did you sleep at all?" Hunk spoke up, brows furrowed as he stared at his friend.

The poor kid looked drained; skin paled, bags under his eyes, and red in the corners.

He was exhausted.

It took them a moment to process this, watching as Lance sat down and smiled at them. "I even found more. In at over two hundred charted locations giving the correct conditions."

Keith said it. "Idiot." 

Lance blinked, visibly flinching at the sudden words, not what he had expected at all.

"What...?"

Pidge looked annoyed, although it was probably at the fact Lance had done something tech related better than her for once.

"You stayed up ALL NIGHT? On a map that wasn't even that important?" She said, gaping. 

Lance paused, "Not that...Wh... But you guys got so upset when I messed it up, an worked on it all day!"

Keith rolled his eyes, "Yeah, it needed done, but it wasn't life or death. Look at you!"

Shiro, in a nicer tone, agreed. "He's right, Lance. You didn't have to do this, and it's not healthy putting yourself through such stress."

Hunk bit his lip, "I mean, you're really tired right? What if, What o Zarkon attacked and you just fell asleep durin battle?"

"He would KILL you." Allura confirmed. Coran nodded.

"You've got to take care of yourself."

Lance looked around at his friends, not believing what he was hearing in the slightest.

How could they accuse him like this?  
How could they be so rude?

Lance had done this for them, staying up all night to fix his mistake. He had wants to make them happy!

The blue paladin wanted to be apart of the team and help out for once, even if it was in a simple manner. 

He hadn't wanted to be reprimanded for a deed he believed was good. 

Frustrated tears appeared, and Lance crossed his arms. "Fine, whatever, I'll go to bed. Do what you want with that."

He stood up, swayed, and nearly toppled over with exhaustion. Lance couldn't stand the worried looks he was getting.

The hood came back up.  
Things were supposed to have been okay.

Lance marched to his room, rubbing his nose with an aggravated sniff and glaring the tears away.

It wasn't okay.  
Why couldn't it ever be okay?


	46. Reminders

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Lance grinned as the little alien girl handed him what appeared to be a seashell.

It was bright orange with purple and green spirals, and when Lance moved closer he could see little blue creatures that lived within its shell.

The thing was absolutely beautiful in the blue Paladins eyes. And he bowed to the little girl, taking her hand and gave it a little kiss.

"Why thank you,little lady." He laughed softly, the child turning ad running to her mother with a happy smile and pinkish blush.

"Ready to go, Lance?" Shiro called over from the castle, and Lance nodded.

"Coming!" 

As he boarded the Blue Lion, Lance made sure to add the shell to his little collection within her.

The blue eyed paladin had a collection of souvenirs that he got from the planets he had saved over the course of the past year and a half. 

He had flowers, shells, rocks, plants, necklaces, and more from everywhere they had been.

It made him feel appreciated and gave him a sense of honor and pride. All of them personal little ago events for the good he has done.

It was a reminder.

"Lance watch out!!!!"

"Wha---" He was knocked out of his thoughts when suddenly an explosion hit the hangar side of the castle and Blue, along with the other lions with their Paladins, were thrown from the blast.

"Paladins!!!!" Allura could be heard screaming, "It's Zarkon! No!!!"

Everyone's cries were heard over com, the sounds of flames and shooting heard around them.

"Paladins, check in. Black lion is down but I'm okay." The raspy voice of Shiro grunted out, "Keith?"

"C-Copy that, Shiro. I'm here, Reds fine, but I think I screwed up my shoulder." He groaned, "What about you Pidge?"

"Green isn't responding, but I'm fine. The blast fried her circuits I think, she won't turn on. Hunk?"

The yellow paladin moaned, "We are fine, except my stomach. That was rough." The sound of Hunk getting sick had everyone wincing.

"What about Lance? Lance?"

The blue paladin smiled, slumped in his seat as he bled from a gash in his side. This was okay.

It hurt a lot and he felt woozy, but it would be fine, right?

"I'm hurt, g-guys..." He whispered, unable to be louder than he was. It was really hot, he could feel the fire and see it through Blues eyes.

"She's down...." He murmured, looking around slowly. Take it all in one last time.

It was a reminder, all of the things he had done for the universe. Blue Paladin of Voltron.

He saved all these people.

Lance may have never gotten much verbal recognition for his work like the others did, and maybe he wasn't the best paladin.

But looking at these small trophies from citizens of planets, he felt proud of himself.

He may not be Keith, or Shiro.  
He wasn't Pidge or Hunk.

He was Lance.

And as he sat there, albeit dying, he was happier than ever. He would die a paladin of Voltron.

How many people could say that?

Lance closed his eyes, smiling.  
Things hurt, but it was for the better.

He didn't need his statue or parade or celebration. He had all that he wanted right here.

Reminders.


	47. Sky Full of Stars

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Have you ever been out somewhere, whether it be school, the grocery market, or just hanging out in general public, and you see that person?

That person that looks so much like or sounds so much like someone you knew, but under whatever circumstance you just knew that it wasn't who you thought?

A voice.  
A facial expression.  
Maybe the way they walk or hold themself.

It reminds you of someone and for a split second your brain believes it and you go into either good or bad panic.

'Oh shit, it's them.'  
Or  
'It's them!'

A sister, a brother, a crush, a parent, they trick you out for the slightest moment and leaves your heart racing.

In this situation, Lance went into bad panic. His heart racing with anxiety and the pain of his mind tricking him like that.

Pidge looked at Lance, scrunching her nose and tilting her head, "Dude, are you okay?"

They had only been talking, Pidge was tinkering a little bit they had just been having a fine conversation until.

Until.

She looked to much like his little sister for a split second, just the way she had smiled and the angle Lance was at.

He froze up and the 'Fight or Flight' instinct took over his system. Bad Panic.

His breath caught, he teared up and stood, shaking his head quickly and leaving Pidge to sit alone in the room.

Lance just ran.

The blue paladin knew it couldn't have been his sister, it was Pidge clearly, but this stupid head of his let him believe for a split second.

Just one sec was all it took.  
He hadn't even seen his sister in over a year now.

As he did when everything went wrong, Lance ran to Blue and hid himself away inside her.

The blue eyed boy took a moment to let his tears fall, and succumb to the wave of homesickness that left him shaking.

He missed them so much.

An unpracticed language slipped past his tongue as he murmured to Blue, letting his thoughts and feelings out.

He only spoke Spanish to blue.  
Occasionally he'd let out a Spanglish phrase around the team, but no fluent talk.

It was relaxing.  
Lances didn't have to think about translations or if he was making sense or speaking correctly.

"Se veía igual que ella. A veces me asusta cuando veo a mi familia en el equipo." Lance murmured, feeling comforted by Blues purring despite his words.

He went on to explain what had happened, why he was here and why he had ran. Pidge was probably back there now, worried.

Lance had made her worried.

A shaky sob left him, and he wiped his eyes as he talked to Blue and emotion took over.

"A veces quiero dejar. Ir a casa. Pero sé que el universo necesita ser salvado , y..." Tears slipped and he took a breath, "...a veces pienso que no soy apto para el trabajo." 

His heart clenched and Lance let his words sink into the two of them. Blue hated to have her cub so distressed, willing him to sleep.

\---

Pidge sighed, laying on her bed in her room and messing with her computer.

"Lance was acting weird earlier..." She stated to open air, flipping through camera feed from over the past few hours.

Lance got upset sometimes, which was fine and completely human, but today was something different.

She just had to ignore it, check the feed and then get some rest. Pidge could talk to Lance about it in the morning.

The green paladin flippe through some more footage, silence and just dull clicking as noise, until she stopped at the camera on the Blue lion and heard noise.

Who was talking?  
It was definitely Lance but it's nothing she could understand, and he had an accent to him, speaking different.

She blinked, staring.  
Lance had been in Blue, nothing wrong with that, but why was he saying to her?

Pidges nosiness got the est of her and she cropped the audio from the camera and into the personal translator she used for when she was learning Altean.

He was talking about Earth mostly, describing his family and things of the like, but it got darker as Pidge listened on.

'She looks just like her, sometimes it scares me when I see my family in the team.' The translator spoke back to her in choppy English.

Pidge frowned. Who was 'she'?

'Sometimes I want to leave. To go home. But I know that the universe needs saving and...'

The green paladin felt her heart drop, and her hands shook as she continued the translation. 

'...sometimes I think I'm not the right person for the job.'

She shook her head, hopping up and closing her laptop. How could Lance be thinking such a thing?

Was he going to leave?!  
He couldn't!

The smallest paladin was at Lances door in minutes, knocking loudly before allowing herself in. 

Lance was sitting up in bed, a bag of some of his things packed. The boy looked up quickly, trying to hide the bag.

"P-Pidge?!"

She was frozen to the spot, tears in her eyes now and eyes big. He really was leaving.

The green paladin ran over and tackle hugged Lance, holding tight and started to cry.

"Lance, I heard what you said. I'm sorry you miss home and I'm sorry I reminded you of someone, but please. You can't leave!" She had figured out who 'she' had been.

It was her.

Lance stood in absolute shock, looking down at the younger girl and he felt his tears returning.

"Lan! Lan! Pwease don' leave, what if aliens get you?" 

His little sister cried as he stood in the door way with his family and bag of things to take to the Garrison with him.

Lance smiled and crouched in front of her, wiping her tears. His look was loving.

"Then I'll have to kick their butts, and tell them I have the best little sister waiting for me back home."

The little girl smiled, seemingly happier hearing that. "Can you bring me back a star?"

Lance grinned, "I'll bring you a whole sky full of stars! Promise."

Back in the present, Lance ad sunk to the ground with Pidge, holding her and rocking her.

How could he have thought so selfishly?  
Pidge was just as much as his little sister as his sisters back on Earth were.

He could never give let them face the pain of his departure again. What sort of big brother did that?

The blue paladin hugged Pidge close, keeping her safe in his arms and calming her.

"I won't, I promise."


	48. Soar

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

The little blue bird just wanted to fly free  
He was tired of increasing gravity.

Wings spread wide, eyes alight  
It looked to be, he would take flight.

The bird was excited, it was time to soar  
He would no longer have to wait anymore!

He could be his own, no chains on his feet  
Nothing else could have him beat.

Oh little bird, just wanted to fly  
Everyone had given reasons why.

Why he could not, why he was stuck  
Why no one gave a fuck...

Little blue bird, dreaming to float  
But could never get anyone in the same boat.

Bird, so young, and so alone and sad  
Things for him were pretty bad.

The little blue bird's name was Lance  
He could not fly, so he chose to dance. 

Dance around your grief   
For after all, it's only brief.

They could take his flight for now   
But they'd never take his ending bow.

The show will end on HIS cue!  
Not when others told him to.

If he could not fly, he would dance  
And others won't even stand a chance.

He is his own, with some restriction  
But he is his own jurisdiction.

One day, he will spread small wings  
And forget about, the petty things.

The ones who held him fast  
Will be the demons of his past.

But the ones who will take him in open arms  
Will be the ones, he never harms.

For they will love him, this is true.  
His flight is just a little overdue.

They will love him, with all their heart  
And with these chains, he will part.

Lance will fly, just some day close  
For now, he sits and hopes.

For the day the chains break  
And it will be his decision that he'll make.

To fly to a better nest  
And leave this one, for the rest.

There are better days to come.  
You have to get through the bad some.

Flight will be his just wait and see.

One day the little blue bird, will be as happy as can be.


	49. Safe Places: Second Endings

You guys have been asking for this for weeks, and my lazy ass finally wrote it.

Enjoy.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

Lance sat atop the monkey bars, staring up at the stars as they twinkled above him in their own magnificent way.

Stars.

How he wished he could be up there, in space, among the stars and shining as bright as them.

Lance had his hood up, shoulders slumped as he admired the lights above him, shining bright.

Brighter than he could ever be.  
Better than he could ever be.

Lance was no star.

He wasn't someone people looked at with awe in their eyes, or one to be smiled fondly at.

Lance wasn't someone people would go to great lengths to reach, to see.

He was no star, no matter what he did.  
He tried to be a good person, he truly did.

Lance helped his siblings, loved his parents, but it was never enough.

Lance stared up at the stars, some of them unseen because of the way his hood blocked out parts of the sky.

That was it.

That was it.

Lance sniffed as rubbed his nose angrily, wiping at his eyes as they teared up. Anger and frustration started to seep into his bloodstream.

How dare they?

He stomped down the hall and towards his bedroom, hood blocking out anywhere but forward. 

Just jeep going forward, it's bound to get better if you just keep going and don't look back. 

That was a lie and Lance knew it.  
Such a lie, and he was tired of living it.

Living a lie.

He was no pilot.  
He was no paladin.

He was nothing, and that was the truth.

"Lance? Lance! Hey, come back we just were worri---" Hunk started behind him, the sounds of multiple footsteps coming after him.

He hated footsteps, his anxiety acted up.  
He was mad at them, how could they try to make things better after what they did?

To say they were worried?!

Horrible rage built up inside of him and it led him to stop in his tracks as the team caught up. 

Let them say what they wanted to.  
He had his own things to say.

Lances shaking hands ripped through his hair, fueled by frustration and he fixed his hood.

He wouldn't take his safe place away,not now when he so desperately needed a place of comfort. 

Lance couldn't believe this. 

He'd worked his ass off to fix what they had gotten so upset over. Put his time and effort into fixing EVERYTHING. 

Lance would have taken a little expression of gratitude; even the slightest, "Good job, Lance." 

God forbid even a thank you.

He grit his teeth so hard he heard his teeth groan from the pressure, he heard the voices of his so called comrades behind him.

Questioning what was wrong.  
Why was he over reacting?

He saw red , spinning around to face the group. "Just shut up!" He snapped loudly, eyes darkened with fury. 

Every member paused, even Keith.

"When I fixed that fucking map, the map that you all chewed my ass out for messing up, I expected you all to at least be SLIGHTLY more appreciative of the fact that I reset the ENTIRE map that I messed up AND did it to make you guys HAPPY!" He shouted, hands shaking in fists at his sides.

"But no~! Lance has to fuck up once again because he can't take care of himself even if it was just to fix what I had previously messed up--- only to waste my time and tears on your selfish asses!" 

Lance started to get a little hysterical, tears falling fast. He would never say things like this but it was too pent up and finally letting out.

He just couldn't believe he was once again in the dog house because of this! 

Lance shook his head, his bottom lip trembling as his breaths shook. He swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat out of anger and humiliation. 

"I-I just wanted to make it right but I can't even do that!" He rubbed his hands into his eyes angrily, sadness starting to erupt.

"I'm sick of trying to do things right for you and always ending up in the wrong!" He shook his head, "I stayed up all night because I cared that you were all mad at me but now..."

No one could speak.  
They had never send their friend like this and honestly it had them a little in shock, and of course concern.

Lance laughed, snapping his head up to glare at them darkly. "Now I see you all aren't worth any of my efforts." 

The hood fell, his safe place dialing with it and his vulnerability went with it, crashing hard.

"...I-I'm not worth the effort..."

The blue paladin sunk to his knees and immediately several other Paladins came to his side to make sure he was okay.

Lance didn't fight them.  
He was too exhausted.

His hood, the safe place, fell away from his head and rested on his back, gone.

He tensed.

Slowly, Lance was able to take in his surroundings again and he felt a hand wiping the tears that fell. Pidge?

He turned as he felt a hand rubbing soothing circles into his back. Hunk?

A firm hand on his shoulder, keeping him upright and steady. Shiro?

A hand on his knee. Keith.  
Coran and Allura lingered nearby, wanting help but there was no room.

That was it.  
That was why nothing was okay.

His Safe Place blocked out what was important. The ones around him, and it had left them all in a bad spot.

With the hood, he couldn't see that he had Hunk behind him. Hunk always had his back.

With the hood, he couldn't see Shiro and Keith, who may be distant but we're always by his side.

Lance smiled a little, tears falling faster, and the group hug ensued. It was full of apologies and explanations, which all fell on uncaring ears.

It didn't matter, they were all in the wrong, and that happened sometimes but that was okay.

Here's the thing about safe places:

They only last so long.

They feel great in the beginning, and for awhile after that, but in time they become lonely. 

They become something one relies on too much, and it can cloud judgement and turn things sour. More so than it had been when the safe place was created.

Safe places shouldn't be alone places.  
Being alone isn't always the answer, and hiding problems in a spot won't solve them.

It's a temporary relief, but you have to give the key to someone else at some point. Invite someone, others, in. 

Maybe their arms, will be the safe place you needed all along.


	50. Peace Out

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Ask someone, anyone, how they'd like to die. Most of the time, you're going to get an answer that's pretty similar to each other.

'In my sleep.'

'I don't want to feel it.'

'Old age.'

Nobody wants to go out guns blazing, they don't want to go out in some horrible accident. Not murdered, nothing of the sort. 

How do they want to die?

Peaceful.

That's how it turned out once Team Voltron had defeated Lotor, the Galran empire, Zarkon  and Haggar, the whole lot of them.

The universe was saved.  
Everything was the way they had fought for it to have been nearly a year ago.

A year ago.

Sitting here now, in the castle, watching his teammates whoop and holler in joy, in triumph, Lance couldn't join them.

He could only give a small smile, turn on his heel, and stalk off slowly. It would be selfish and unfair to ruin their moment.

The moment he wouldn't be around to enjoy much longer. He only had a week.

In a week, Lance would die.

It wasn't like Lance didn't know of course. He had known for nearly a year now.

Living in Cuba, it was common in the area he lived in to pick up odd illnesses. Bitten by bugs, scratched by a foreign object, anything could pass on a disease.

His little sister nearly died after contracting a deadly illness in the lake near their house. Something in the water when she accidentally swallowed it.

She had only been three at the time, and it wasn't until she was five that she'd been cured of it.

Lance had gotten sick on his travel from Cuba to the Garrison. He had never traveled so far, or so long, and it had taken a toll on him.

It was just a little chest pain and a head cold, it would be fine within the week. 

And it was.   
For a few months.

About a week before they went into space, Lance had gone down to the infirmary to get a pain checked out.

His heart had been deteriorating, the muscles that kept it going would die out faster than they were supposed to.

Lance was told that in about a year, they would give out, just like that. 

All because of a little plane trip with a few stops, and a hereditary disease he had never been told about.

Lance decided he would tell no one at the Garrison, none of his friends at least. The staff knew perfectly well, but only pushed him harder.

So from that day forward, Lance tried his hardest to make everyone happy. To make everyone smile, to make his impact on the world before he was no longer in it.

It wasn't something that could be healed in a healing pod, or saved with medication. 

It was just the end of the line for Lance.

And now, he had less than a week left.  
He'd wanted to do more in this year.

But at the same time, he had done so much. 

"Hey Lance! Where ya going?" Hunk called from behind the blue paladin as Lance tried to walk off.

"Lance? Hey, we just saved the universe! Come on, get over here and join in the celebration!"

"There's a parade in our favor!"

Lance sighed, smiling. Make everyone happy while he still could, right? He lifted his was and turned, peeking immediately as he walked off.

"Parade? Why didn't you say so! See mullet, told ya there'd be a parade." He laughed, clapping Keith on the back as he made it over.

"Good job, everyone. We're proud."

A burst of pride went through Lance, the last one out of the castles double doors and a chorus of cheers from the inhabitants of the universe filled their ears.

Voltron had defeated Lotor and his family's evil, yet still managed to save those who were against the rebellion. 

Galra and other species alike were free, and they could go on with their lives.

Peacefully.

Lance felt like not much had been done this year, but yes, he had done so much.

He made friends, a family he could call his own. Shiro, Hunk, Pidge, Allura, Coran, and hell even Keith.

The blue paladin had bettered himself as a person, he'd connected with himself and became the best he could be with the help of a huge ass metal lion.

He would be remembered in the eyes of many. He'd made a lasting impressions on creatures all throughout space.

Lance McClain was the hero he'd always aspired to be, and now he'd made so many more people happier.

Lance McClain bettered so many more lives. 

If you asked Lance in the following days how he wanted to go, he wouldn't have given you any other option than the way it was supposed to be.

Lance wouldn't die of old age.

It would probably hurt, yeah.

And there was a good chance it wouldn't happen in his sleep. Maybe it would. 

Lance wouldn't die in any of these ways, destiny had already decided that one for him.

But Lance would die peacefully knowing that he had saved the universe. He had made so many people happy while he could.

His smile would live on even after his space family found him dead in the hallway, not a pulse to be felt.

They'd tell his jokes for years.

Alien kids would chant at lunch "When I say Vol, you say tron!" And there would always be that kid who didn't get it.

Maybe his life was cut short.  
Maybe he could have lived on to do so much more than what he'd been given in the time he had.

But what he did do, in that last year, with a decaying heart and a sometimes fake smile?

Well, that was something not every sharpshooter could do. 

Lance didn't get to live a full life.  
But it was peaceful in the end.


	51. Second is the Best.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
No one was thrilled about the lion switch that undoubtedly had to take place upon Shiro's disappearance.

Everyone had been assigned to their lion for a reason, and now that some of them were changing it was...odd.

Keith took the black lion, following in their leader's footsteps until further notice.

Lance was forced to move to Red, even though he did not in the slightest want to abandon Blue.

Allura took the blue lion, and that was how it just had to be. It was said and done.

When the switch was made, and Lance strode up to 'his new lion', he decided to try and be optimistic.

Red couldn't be that bad?

He had worries from the very start. And he had his insecurities and things that kept him uncertain about the change.

Red was Keith's lion, originally.  
She had trained with Keith, fought with Keith, and grown attached to Keith in general.

That's how a bond worked.  
But Lance would have a hard time living up to that bond, however long he had to.

Because.  
Lance wasn't Keith.

He wasn't used to her controls, he wasn't used to her style. He wasn't used to the vibes she let off, or her personality. 

Keith was his rival for a reason.  
They were polar opposites.

But it would be fine, right?

Besides, this wasn't the first time Lance had to alter his entire self to live up to Keith's name. His character.

Cargo pilot?

Well, now you're fighter class and you're only here because Keith is gone. Better be just as good as Keith or you're outta here.

Red paladin?

Well, you're the red paladin now and you're only here because Shiro is gone. Better pilot like Keith otherwise the universe is at stake.

Lance sat in Red now, these thoughts running through his head and left him shaking slightly.

None of it was familiar.

The suit.  
It felt like an alien had abducted his body and took over, and he hadn't gotten use to it quite yet.

The lion.  
He felt like he was invading some form of privacy, like Red didn't want him here just as much as he didn't want to be there.

The battle is underway, why are you pausing? Keith never hesitated, he was brave and always took action.

Lance tensed, shocked as the 'words' went through his brain and he looked around, biting his lip.

"Okay, fine... Let's go." He mumbled.

The blu--- no, red, paladin leaned forward on the controls a little bit, and suddenly the red lion was racing forward.

"Woah woah woah!!!" Lance yelped, yanking back on the controls and Red stopped abruptly.

"You nearly gave me whiplash!" Lance panted, heart still beating a little faster than normal.

Keith was fast. He understood everything needed to be done as quickly as possible to ensure the safety of others.

Lance swallowed thickly, and he bit his lip a little harder. "I know people need saving but can't you take it easy, Red?"

It was getting to him more now.  
He wasn't Keith.

Red wouldn't stop comparing him to her previous paladin and it made Lance feel an emptiness in his gut.

He could never be good enough.  
He could never be Keith.

He wasn't the red paladin.

Lance leaned on the controls again, this time bracing himself as Red surged forward and into battle.

No more delays.  
No more screw ups.

Pft, this was Lance we were talking about.

It ended up being a hard victory, and although Team Voltron had won this round no one felt that way.

They were exhausted, and upset.  
It was the first battle without Shiro and although they had won it had been by sheer luck.

Back in the hangar, Lance sat in Red, collecting himself. The whole battle had been spent with Reds critique, and it left Lance feeling sick.

Keith did this.  
Keith didn't do that.  
Keith always did it like that.  
Keith would never have done it like that.

Lance shook in the cockpit, old wounds in his mind opening and tears formed and fell.

He wanted Blue back.  
He wanted HIS suit back.

The new red paladin felt alone and foreign within this lion. He didn't belong here.

Lance choked on a sob, practically ripping off his helmet and he sniffled hard. He wanted out of here.

The former blue paladin didn't want to be in this stupid lion, in this stupid suit. He didn't want to trip in Keiths footsteps anymore.

He would run away.  
He would run away and never look back.

Lance started to stand while rubbing his cheeks of tears, only to be shoved back down by a wave of energy through his skull.

Lance recognized that feeling.

It was much more gruff, and felt a lot different, but he recognized it based upon Blue.

The red lion was...purring?

Where do you think you're going?

"Away from here. I'm not your Keith and I never will be, you've proven that to me." Lance grumbled, crossing his arms.

Don't pout.

Lance blushed and uncrossed his arms, glaring at the floor instead. Stupid lion and her stupid knowledge.

Think about it. Leaving Voltron with no word and leaving the others to deal in your footsteps? Who does that sound like.

It hit Lance like a punch to the face, and the sick feeling grew. He knew the answer.

Shiro.

Guilt crept into his heart, and his shoulders sagged as fresh tears came.

He couldn't do well at being ANYBODY.  
Lance sniffed, tears dripping onto the floor.

Do not cry, little one. I will help you, my sister has told me much about you and I know your heart.

Lance smiled a bit, another wave of energy and affection going through his body. "Thank you, Red..."

It was going to be hard.

It was going to be tough love from the red lion but Lance decided he could probably deal with that if there were after battle confidence boosters like now.

He wiped his tears away, "Goodnight, Red." Lance said, standing and leaving Red as she shut down.

Goodnight Lance.

He wasn't Keith.  
But the title of red paladin didn't revolve around the mullet haired boy or his tactics.

Lance wasn't Keith.  
But he was going to damn well be the second best red paladin there ever was.

Besides, first is the worst, second is the best, right?


	52. State of his Head.

TW: Suicide, mentions (brief) of self harm, etc etc.  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\------  
He had been fighting for too long.

He had been fighting for too long and it was now time for the ever waging war to come to a close.

It couldn't end itself so now the blue paladin would take matters into his own hand. Save the universe?

Save himself.

Lance sat outside the airlock doors, knees drawn up and nose between his knees as he glared ahead.

His hands in front of him, palms towards his face, and he watched as the fingers trembled.

His own hands.

The hands that had spent countless hours fisted into his hair, pulling at the strands as if he could pull out the thoughts that stewed below them.

He recalled past mistakes, and yes there were many, and he'd grab a fistful of short brown locks and tug.

Lance couldn't believe he had fucked up like that once! Countless times!

The boy thought of things he had said and done, and he would grit his teeth and shake his head, pulling on his hair.

He had a headache.  
It was ironic, since he was one himself.

Lance was nothin more than just a headache, to himself and everyone he came in contact with.

He could never follow orders well enough. Even if he did there would always be a mistake somewhere and someone would have to say something.

He could never choose the right times for humor, even when it was just to make others feel better, and always ended up having people angry with him.

Lance couldn't live up to his own standards. He could be the bet fighter pilot; hell he was barely one at all. It had been sheer chance that he took Keiths place.

He was such... a headache. A parasite.

The blue paladin couldn't help but feel that each and everything he did, didn't go well with others.

He couldn't say what he meant, what he needed to say. Couldn't say what people wanted or needed, leaving them bored or displeased.

Why couldn't he ever be the man he wanted to be? Like his hero, Shiro, or maybe even well... anyone else.

Lance hated Lance.  
Lance didn't want Lance here anymore.

If he knew himself outside of his own body? Lance wouldn't like the guy he met.

So here he sat, outside the airlock, now standing as he took a breath. One of the last few he would take.

Lance opened the door, stepped into the empty lot, and let it fall closed behind him.

Familiarity.

The last time he was in here, he had been scared of death. Now, in the same spot, he willingly welcomed it on his own accord.

A voice spoke, announcing that in only thirty seconds the second, final set of double doors would open and he would be free.

Free.

The countdown to the end of his life progressed in the back of his mind, and he thought about freedom.

Lance would be free of anxiety.  
Lance would be free of the horrible situation his life had turned into.  
Lance would be free of himself and the people who shaped he fees of himself in his mind.

Free.

17...16...15...

He felt warm tears trail down his cheeks, but they were not sad. If they were sad, then why would he be doing this?

It was what Lance wanted, for so long, after all. No, these were tears of relief.

He could be free.

Lance understood that the others would miss him, even if I'm his mind he relieved they would not.

It would probably be best if they didn't.  
But if they did, he had left notes for each of the members of his space family.

8...7...6...

Eyelids fell in front of blue eyes.

Blue eyes that on moment would hold no more life. Not that there had been much life left in them recently.

Maybe it was a shitty way to go.

He could have always reopened the wounds in his legs, or drank whatever Coran used to clean the healing pods.

Could enough nunvil actually kill him?  
Lance chuckled at his joke.

5...4...3...2...

His pains would be gone.

The evil words and memories that crept in his mind at the worst times would be gone.

The headache would be gone, the physical and mental aching would be gone.

Seventh wheels were a horrible wheel to be, how could a vehicle move with an uneven set of wheels?

Six would be better, that was true.

1...

And six there would be, the final set of doors only and in a rush of motion Lance was no longer on solid ground.

He was in wide open, suffocating... space.

As his body reacted to the exposure to space, he internally chuckled for the few second sod life he had left.

Movies all got it wrong.

It wasn't peaceful floating and his inside working just stopping, and a dramatic closing of his eyes.

It hurt more than anything.

His lungs, his everything, blowing up and swelling to twice his size as the water that made up his body vaporized.

Lance blood pressure going berserk, his blood boiling and any and all tears freezing his face.

It would take awhile to name everything that happened to Lance during his final moments. But that wasn't the point.

Freedom never came easy, pain had to be endured. Lance learned that easily.

So he decided he deserved those final moments of pain, for his selfishness and his mistakes.

His death would mean freedom for all.  
If only he'd known how wrong he was.

...0...


	53. Homeward Bound

TW: Major character death  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---  
He had spent four months and nine days in Lotor's god forsaken prison, and when he had finally been rescued by the others, he was relieved.

Lotor hadnt treated him horribly, no.  
But Lance also hadn't been handled kindly. That was for certain.

Love made people to crazy things.  
And it's even worse if the person in love is already crazy as it was, in their own way.

During his time in captivity, Lance had stayed in a cell down the hall from Lotor's quarters, always near the prince.

The blue paladin had despised it.

He could hear every sound Lotor made, every word he spoke, and knew that the prince knew this.

Lance swore sometimes Lotor just did it for the sake of sickening Lance sometimes.

During his time in Lotor's clutches, he was succumbed to many things. Horrible things, that is.

Lotor was in awe of the beautiful paladin he had caught. He wanted him as his own am he wanted him only as his own.

He was branded, rendering him property of Prince Lotor and Prince Lotor only.   
Lance could distinctly remember the hot iron searing into the sensitive skin between his shoulder blades.

Lance could still hear his own screams.

The sickening way his shirt stuck to his back from blood and pus for days turned weeks.

Lotor hadnt been kind to his new toy in the beginning, obsessive and protective. But it was better as time went on.

He started to love, truly love, the blue paladin. Not just for his looks, but for the person he learned Lance to be.

Lotor loved his voice especially, forcing the Cuban boy to sing for him whenever the prince desired.

He fed Lance all the favorite foods he could desire, the princes best chefs making common Earth meals and snack.

Garlic knots were his favorite too.

Lance hated captivity with Lotor, and always made sure to express it. But in time he came to accept his fate. Months went by.

He went through pain, more so mental as the weeks wore on. But there was physical too.

Until one day, his mind started to change, and his thoughts had shifted. He was fed, he always had something to drink.

Lance had clean robes and he was allowed to take showers. Occasionally Lotor would insist on a bath, and they would bathe together.

The blue eyed boy was aware of Lotor's feelings, but he couldn't effectively reciprocate them.

This guy was evil.  
This was the enemy.

And yet he treated Lance bettering than any one of the other Paladins ever had.

Lotor listened to him, let him speak, considered his thoughts and ideas.

Lotor laughed at his jokes, whenever Lance sparked one out here and there.

More importantly, Lotor was there for him when Lance started to get homesick. Being imprisoned didn't take that away from him.

It made it worse, in fact, as it played a constant reminder to Lance that he was going even longer away from home with low changes of return any time soon.

He was a prisoner, but he felt protected.  
He was a prisoner, but he felt loved.

When he was rescued, he couldn't find it in him to fight back. He was a prisoner.

But where was he a prisoner of?

He thought about that in the coming days after being saved from Lotor's confinement, back in the Castle with his friends and the lions.

Where waste truly a prisoner?

In Lotor's hands, he had just been a prisoner in the common sense. Locked somewhere, unable to leave. Imprisoned in one spot.

But he had been allowed to speak, to have an opinion and to be himself to his best ability. He had been cared for.

Here, in the Castle of the Lions, he was a prisoner of himself, and of duty. 

Lance couldn't voice himself effectively, and his thoughts and feelings stayed inside, where they belonged. He was stuck here, trapped and unable to escape from a destiny he never chose. He was alone.

So where should he be?  
If not here, nor there...where did he belong, truly?

So when they faced Lotor again for the first time after the blue Paladins escape, it was bound to go down differently.

Lotor was livid. Lance was HIS.

He had loved Lance and Lance had run off without a fight, away from him. That didn't sit well with the prince.

Lotor had his heart betrayed, as ironic as that might sound for an evil person. But it was still that feeling all the same.

So as Lotor stood with his generals, facing Team Voltron, he had made up his mind.

If he couldn't have Lance, then no one could.

Everything after was just a blur.  
A fight ensued, that was for certain.

Everyone had thought that Boltron was winning, that Lotor was going to be defeated. That's what Lotor wanted right?

But no.  
Lance and Lotor knew each other's intentions very well, and would lead to an untimely end.

It led to the sword impaling itself through Lance, the boy having blocked Shiro, and led to him dropping to his knees.

It led to the screams, and led to horror.

Lance knew this would have been the only way out of his imprisonment. He couldn't happily be in either place, so he chose nowhere.

He would no longer have the fear of recapture in his head, of being back in that cell and facing the wrath of Lotor because he had left.

Lance would no longer have to feel confined within himself, within this space and the Castle, defending a universe he would have much rather viewed from his roof back on Earth.

He would be no ones prisoner.

If Lotor couldn't have him, and if the Paladins couldn't keep him, then he would be on his own.

And death was his solitude.

As the blade was pulled from his chest, the blood costing the slick blade and starting to smear his armor, Lance hit the ground.

Underneath the red smeared blue armor, a brand would be broken, pierced by a blade.

On the front of the armor, a 'V' shape would be cracked and chipped.

The blade broke his ties, to Voltron and to Lotor. He was no longer a prisoner.

He was free.


	54. Birthday Special

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Birthdays were always a strange thing to Lance. Not that he didn't understand them, he totally did. But more so, the feelings a simple day could provoke.

Lance came from a large family, that was for sure. And with that, came parties.

His racial culture brought those anyway.

And, as the baby of the family, he had always had some pretty fantastic birthdays as a kid. 

Though when he got older, that changed.  
Little kids expect birthdays, so parents throw them together and make the kid feel special.

When you grow up, you have to learn that you're not that special. At least that was how Lance saw it.

Having so many brothers and sisters, birthdays were close together and it got to the point where they weren't as extravagant because it couldn't be afforded.

By the time July rolled around, many things were happening that often led to Lances birthday being overlooked as a teenager.

College funds, school shopping, all of the things that would be happening days after Lance had his special day.

In time it just stopped being special.

Would he get a present?  
Sure, he didn't really need anything but come on, everyone is going to think about receiving a gift on their big day.

Would he get a Happy Birthday?  
Would anyone remember?

Did anyone care enough to listen if he mentioned what day it was?

Most birthdays, Lance wanted to just stay quiet and see how many people would acknowledge the day. Or how many wouldn't, would be most likely.

Birthdays soon just became regular days for him throughout the years. Sure, maybe he would get a book and a happy birthday from online friends, but nothing big or fun.

Sometimes he'd get to choose dinner.  
But like was mentioned, it became just another day for him.

Sometimes he was hopeful, maybe this birthday would be different. He'd have a party again or maybe Hunk would bake him something. 

Hell, even just family bonding.  
But it was just a wish.

Lances birthday just wasn't that important.

Not anymore.

So when his birthday rolled around during their first year up in space, he didn't say a word. 

He didn't even go on Keith about how now he was older, and rub it in his rivals face.

No, that morning Lance woke up as if it were any other day. Pulled on his clothes, his favorite jacket, brushed his teeth, put on some makeup, and within the next hour was out of his room headed for breakfast.

The blue paladin didn't notice little mice scurrying into vents, rolls of confetti in their jaws.

"Good morning." Lance chimed as he entered the dining area, making sure he wasn't looking around at his friends as he casually went to grab a plate of goo.

In the back of his head, he wondered if anyone knew. It couldn't be helped.

At the front of his skull, desperately clinging the rest, he knew today was just another day.

It sent a vague pain through his chest but he chose to ignore it. Just another day.

"Good morning, buddy! How is the main man?" Hunk piped up in a cheerful tone.

Lance shrugged, walking to the counter for a fork, not looking up. "Oh, you know, feeling as perfect and charming as ever."

The dry chuckle that passed the boys lips was unnerving, and the Paladins exchanged glances.

"Lance."

"Hm?" He rose a brow, not looking up as he dug for the utensil.

"Lance."

"Yeah?"

"Lance."

Finally the boy looked up, "I hear you, what do--- you..." His breath flowed out of him in a harsh exhale.

Oh my gosh.

At the table his friends stood, holding a 'cake' and smiling fondly, if not a little worriedly. 

In front of them, were a few haphazardly wrapped presents, which were in all honesty wrapped in toilet paper.

The cake was blue, shaped like an 'L' for Lance which they assumed was only fitting for someone obsessed with himself.

Lance didn't let it get to his head, even though the situation was obvious and his face was bright ass red.

Keep it cool. It's just another day.

Lance looked up at Hunk, taking his surprise and making it something fake. "Oh shit, whose birthday is it?"

The synchronization of furrowed eyebrows was something uncanny; Lance would have laughed.

Shiro spoke up, softly. "It's your birthday."

Pidge tilted her head, "July 28th, right?"

Hunk looked nervous for a moment, leaning to Keith and undoubtedly whispering, "We didn't get the day wrong, did we?"

They hadn't.  
Of course they hadn't.

Lance took a good look around.  
The room was decorated completely, streamers and confetti and even a banner.

Blue lights glittered for Lance.

They had remembered.  
They cared and they were having a party.

Lance blinked, then tried to stay cool and shrugged, suddenly way too emotions rushing at once. "Oh, I know. I just didn't...think anyone would care, no one usually does."

Way to keep it cool.

Suddenly he was rushed with hugs, a swarm of love and caring bodies pressed to his and strong arms around him.

Lance teared up, something he'd been holding back. He chuckled, "Uh, guys?"

"It's your birthday! Of course we would care!" Pidge exclaimed, squeezing Lances waist tighter in a hug.

"You're my best friend, how could I forget?" Hunk said next, ruffling Lances hair.

It was happy tears and sniffles after that, and of course celebration and loud.

Birthdays were always a strange thing to Lance, and forever would be. And ironic.

How?

They were just as unexpected as the day each person decides to be born. Sure, you always know it's gonna happen, but you are still surprised.

Lance was surprised today.

His space family had not only remembered his birthday, no. That wasn't initially had Lance so riled up.

It was that they had remembered and acknowledged and embraced it. That was more than he'd gotten in years.

He felt special today.  
He felt loved.

If only he knew, what was waiting for him behind the fourth wall, and how much love he was worth.

Happy birthday, Lance.


	55. True Friends

TW: Major character death.  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

You're friends are suppose to be the most important people in your life. The real ones.

Whether you've known each other since you were learning to walk, or you met in kindergarten. Maybe you met them your first year of high school.

However you made them, they are important to you and hold a high place in your heart and you cherish them.

You know your friends like the back of your hand, or the inside of your eyelids. They are platonic soul mates.

If someone asked you, you could tell them exactly what your friend ordered at a restaurant, what their favorite colors were, and the last time they thought they were dying.

There were too many spiders you had killed together, deep conversations you've had, or random voice calls while using the bathroom.

Friends just...know each other.

Swear up and down, if you faced your friends clones, you'd know the real from the fake in an instant.

Who else would know all the words to the cringey songs you used to listen to as kids? Not a clone, that's for sure.

Lance never thought, that being put in that situation, his friends would choose wrong.

They wouldn't know.

Even Hunk, for goodness sake.  
None of them had known.

Haggar had cast a spell on the blue paladin, leaving him with a double of himself that left everyone in shock.

"Only one blue paladin makes it out of here, it's up for you to choose the right one. You bond with your lions, but do you bond with your team?" She had menacingly stated.

Of course they bonded!  
Lance knew everything about all of his friends, and he was sure they would know the same!

Shiro secretly liked to binge on snacks at two in the morning, just because he didn't want to adult.

Pidge would never admit it, but she used to read the Harry Potter series at least once a year. Classics!

Hunk liked to have his hair braided, but only in secret. It reminds him of the way his little sister did it back at home, making little braids everywhere.

Keith was actually really good with animals, not so much people. His favorite animals were dogs and hamsters. His dad never allowed pets.

The blue Paladins stood before a bewildered team, poses mimicked perfectly with each other and expressions similar.

Shock, and a hint of disgust.  
Lance had to play this smoothly.

"Well, hello there handsome." Both Paladins cooed at each other in unison, finger guns striking each other.

That guy didn't have as good of a smile, he was clearly the clone! And his hair? Ugh, so greasy. The team was sure to tell the difference right off the bat!

"Oh my god.." Pidge groaned. "Now it's doubly annoying! How are we supposed to tell them apart?"

Real Lances heart stuttered, and he looked nervously at Pidge.

"By the more attractive one obviously!" Fake Lance exclaimed, making wide motions with his arms.

RL bit his lip, unsure how to prove that he was the legitimate Lance. "Guys, please, it's me. I'm the real Lance!"

The boy had never felt so scared, watching his friends glance at each other uncertainly.

"Fifteen seconds! Decide, Voltron, or both perish." Haggar warned, hands sparking purple magic.

It was like the world took a drastic turn and slowed down. Everything real Lance saw seemed to be a dream.

The way the team whispered, casting glances at the duo that tried so desperately to convince that themself was real.

The way Haggars Magic intensfied, filling the room with purple sparks and heat, not helping the nervous sweat rolling down his neck.

Desperate cries that were fair in the ringing of his ears as they pointed at him, the way the clone next to him hollered in triumph.

They had chosen wrong.

Lance felt sick to his stomach.   
They had chosen wrong.

"Times up, Voltron!" A screech.

Now, it's understandable that someone may not know every living and breathing detail about their friends.

That's what keeps friendships alive.  
But after knowing someone for so long, you would think your friends would know the real you.

Given a life or death situation, would outgoing friends ACTUALLY stay outgoing?  No fear showing through?

You would know the answer is no, because if you knew your friends, you would know better. They are scared.

They don't want to die, and you are their only hope. The only thing you'd need to know, is that they trust you with their fear.

They trust you to make the right choices, to understand, and you act as someone for them to cling to.

But the Paladins made the wrong choice.  
They went with the Lance they were used to seeing.

Confident, giddy, laughing in the hard times. Not Lance, who was scared of dying.

Not Lance, who wa afraid of not being known. Of being a nobody, no ones hero.

Not the Lance who thought his friends knew him, who would carry on with a false paladin, without any knowledge.

Would they ever notice?

It hurt. It hurt a lot.  
The betrayal, more so than the pain that was starting to settle into his body.

Lance spasmed as electric bolts of energy, purple and ugly, shocked through him and sent smoke whisking off of him.

His screams cut through everyone's hearing, and his crying as the boy crumbled to the floor.

The blue Paladins heart stopped moments after, but his body still twitched and he went limp ace for the muscle nerves giving one last burst.

Blood dripped from his nose, staining his tanned skin, rolled down his cheek, and onto the floor in a steady glide.

The last thing he saw, was the fake Lande running to his team and giving them high fives. The hug reviewed from Hunk, and their backs as they surged back into battle.

Lance was left in the dust, eyelids falling shut as he left himself, as he died on that floor.

Forgotten.  
Betrayed.

A nobody.


	56. Error 404, Try Again.

TW: major character death  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

The day of the youngest McClain's birth was a chaotic day at that. Straight out of the movies sort of thing.

The already large family sat in the bleachers of the baseball diamond, watching the middle sister, Maya, as she pitched for her team.

It was the last game of the summer, school only days away, and the timer was winding down to an end.

Mama and the other siblings, all six others, watched with apprehension. This was it.

Maya drew back her arm, perfect for a curve, and right as the ball left her fingers, the crowd went wild.

Well, the McClain section of the crowd, that was. They took up a lot of room.

And then it was heard.

"Aye, get Papa! Mama is having baby brother!" The littlest sibling, nine years old, called out.

You can pretty well assume how it went from there, dozens of kids taking off across the baseball field and people filing out of the bleachers.

Whooping and hollering, one even cried at all the commotion, scared for her Mama, but found that this was a good thing.

The baby was coming!

Baby Lance was going to be born!

Everyone was so excited. The day was partly cloudy, the sun peeking through clouds and blazing, ocean heard from miles around.

It was the perfect day.

But that's not how it would end.  
No one expected what happened next.

Lance was born at 2:33 pm, with skin as blue as his eyes.

He wasn't breathing when he entered the world, not even the beautiful cry could be pulled from his lungs.

The entire day down spiraled, as the father was ushered out, the mother taken for clean up, and little Lance went directly to the ICU.

Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

He could have survived it, but the little one was born just a little too early. His excitement for life cut way too short.

Lance was born 4 pounds, 7 ounces.  
He was so very small, and very skinny.

His only baby picture would be of him laying in the incubator, attached to way too many tubes and machines.

Way too many, yet too little.

Lance died at 5:03 pm.  
Unable to breathe, unable to hold on.

His mother mourned, heavily.  
Her little son whom she had been so excited to bring into the world, gone.

The tears shed by the siblings who would never get their little brother that they had spent months making welcoming gifts for.

The bedroom at home, all set up, would remain empty for almost two years to come.

Mama said she wouldn't have another baby after what happened to Lance. She couldn't stand the idea of losing another baby.

But a year later, came the announcement. Mama was pregnant. It was a boy.

She kept the name a secret until the day of his birth, and wouldn't even let her husband know.

He stopped trying to argue.

And months after the announcement, a little baby boy was born. Blue eyes, tanned skin, and little tufts of brown hair on his head.

The day was sunny, perfect.  
The baby was delivered healthy as could be, with a bright smile and a cute little nose.

5 pounds, 3 ounces, at 3:24 pm.  
July 28th would be his big day.

"Welcome to the world, mijo..." a mother said to her new baby as she stared at him with sad, yet happy eyes, knowing why he was here.

The boy would grow up, taking on the title of the replacement. He would get into trouble.

He would play tricks with his siblings and sneak around at night to search the night.

The boy always liked to go further out to sea than he was allowed, and loved to scare his mother.

He would learn to love the sky, especially the night sky. Space.

The boy with the blue eyes would make a best friend and go to school with him. Galaxy Garrison.

Soon, upon arrival, he would learn the role he had been assigned upon entering the world 16 years ago.

Replacement.

As the greater pilot in his class dropped out, the Cuban boy would merely take his place. He would take any grasp he could at being just as good an just as loved as the pilot before him.

No one talked about him at school.  
No one ogled at him.  
No one wanted to be his simulator buddy besides Hunk and Pidge.

And when this boy would escape that night, take a blue lion up to space with some faces he would learn to care for, it would happen again.

His hero would leave them, and as the best pilot they had took a step up, he would act as a replacement.

That's all he ever was.

This boy would be in the shadow of the First, the Better, for the rest of his life.

When his mother would look at the image that was placed above his grave, another image would be put beside it.

A baby in an incubator, with blue skin.

He was a failed replacement for the fantastic drop out. He was a failed red paladin and as a paladin in general.

He was a failed replacement of a son, lost to a desperate mother so many years ago.

Lance Charles McClain.


	57. True Friends: Part 1/2 of 2.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Two months is how long it took.

For the team to notice that Lance was upbeat and giddy, happy as ever.

It took two months, and that was only when they started to get suspicious. 

Lance fought differently, as if he were never tired and as if he always had the confidence and rigor to keep going.

He seemingly never slept, he stayed up with Pidge, and no one ever saw him in his bedroom. 

Lance was constant happy, constant go, constant... Lance.

Or was it?

Voltron was cornered, stranded on a planet with Galra ships, Haggar and Zarkons forces, all surrounding them.  
There was no way out.

They stood in a protective circle, like the one they had trained (and failed) in, watching with narrowed eyes as the Galra-Altean approached them now.

"Voltron, how nice to see all of you here." Haggar paused for a moment, head turning towards Lance, and smirked.

"Almost all of you."

Lance grinned, "Flattered, I am. But I'm gonna kick your glowy Galran butt!"

His teammates exchanged looks, before turning back to Haggar to glare. The gears in their heads could be seen turning in their eyes.

"Charismatic as ever, I see. Tell me, blue paladin, when is the last time you slept?"

It was odd, and everyone felt it.

Lance was too open, he didn't seem worried at all in the grave situation they were in. 

Months ago, he would have been serious and attentive.

Haggar, too, was not herself.

She had this underlying tone that she knew something, had something dangling over the team's heads that none of them were grasping at.

If only they knew.

"Um." Lances confidence faltered, but he kept on smiling. "There's no time to sleep when I'm hunting you down and setting you up for defeat!"

The team stared, watching the exchange.  
What in the quiznak was going on?

Haggar tilted her head, white hair dangling around her shoulders and eyes glowing under the hood. 

"Perhaps...two months?" She murmured, teeth brushing her lip as she spoke, something mocking in her voice.

You would have thought the Paladins would have picked up on what was going on.

The hints were obvious and even if they weren't, something should have been tying together from the strange behavior.

You would have thought.

But hadn't Lance thought the same thing, the real Lance, about them knowing who he was?

And yet they hadn't.

Even now, they still couldn't wrap their minds around what was happening. They still didn't know.

Lance furrowed his brows, and for the first time in months his demeanor faltered. "Two months? Maybe, my perception of time has been wack since the clone situation..."

It was Hunk who tensed.

Ah. There it was.

There's that true friend, that was a little bit too late. Two months late to be exact.

((To be continued....))


	58. Kitchen Sink

TW: major character death  
Also, this is probably my longest one shot yet coming in at 1,800+ words. So, woo for that? Enjoy?

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\------

If they had only known.  
Oh god, if they had only known.  
\---

Shiro glanced around the training arena, doing a mental head count and coming up short. They were one paladin short.

Hunk was here, standing a little ways away with Pidge, who was helping him with something regarding his armor.

Two down, and he was here.  
That was three.

Keith stood brooding, his leadership position something that left him in a sour mood. Shiro was back, he should lead.

That was four Paladins out of five.  
One color of the Voltron rainbow was missing. A very blue color.

Not yet wanting to cause lots of stress, Shiro walked over to Keith with a hint of worry in his tone. "Have you seen Lance this morning?"

It must have been on the new black Paladins mind as well, because Keith flinched at Shiro's question.

The blue paladin had been last present the night before, but he had been acting very strange. A huge contrast to the typical quiet they had been getting for a few weeks.

Lance had been insisting on Hunk making the greatest Earth-like dinner just for once, so they could feast that night.

They did, it was delicious.  
Garlic knots came to the party.

Lance was loud and he was joking; he was a hoard of smiles and laughter. It had made everyone suspicious at this sudden mood change but they were so happy to finally see life in Lance that they blew it off.

Except Keith. Except the leader.

He watched his teammate carefully that night, and saw that behind that laughter there was something forced. Behind the smile, there were cracked teeth.

Behind those bright eyes, something looked like it was dead, dull, and gone.

Keith didn't say anything.

He didn't say anything when Lance took Allura into the blue lion and for some reason decided to tell her all about how to fly her.

Lance showed her the best techniques, told some of the things Blue did and didn't prefer, and even gave her some personal tips.

He just wanted to show his lion off, would have been his excuse if anyone asked. But no one asked.

If anyone had asked...  
Oh god if they had only known.

Keith shifted in his spot, uncrossing his arms and looked to Shiro. "No, not since last night. He wasn't at breakfast."

A cold feeling crept through Shiro, but he nodded and patted Keith's shoulder. "I'm going to ask the others. Maybe Lance is sick."

Keith nodded once, before his eyes drifted to land on the door he had been staring at for hours. He waited for his friend to walk through.

"Hunk! Pidge!" Shiro called, jogging over to the green and yellow paladin with a small smile.

"Shiro!" Hunk saluted and turned to face their ex-leader, smiling. Pidge rose a curious eyebrow.

"Have either of you two seen Lance this morning? We are doing something new today and we don't want to start without him." Shiro went straight to the point before the worry settled too hard in his gut.

"Lance? No..." Pidge replied, looking up at the black paladin and then around as if she were looking for the missing associate, and only just noticing he wasn't there.

"I saw Lance on my way to the bathroom sometime early this morning. He looked like he just came from the hangar." 

Hunk started, innocence in his tone, "I asked him what he was doing and he nearly jumped out of his skin. But he smiled and said he had thought Blue sent him a distress wave, but it was a false alarm."

Shiro and Pidge shared a look, and Pidge was the one to ask. "What time was that?"

Hunk thought momentarily. How long ago had that been? Was Lance back in the hangar now?

"Ugh, I'd probably say...like a few hours ago? It felt like three in the morning." Hunk shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck.

An odd silence passed through them and no one was sure what to do. Go look for him? He was probably still in bed, or something like that.

Allura's voice came over the com suddenly, "Paladins, we must start training. Where is Lance? He is not answering coms and he didn't respond to the alarm system."

Keith looked up quickly at that, "He wasn't answering his coms?" His purple-ish eyes went across the room to the others, and apprehension set in.

"We should go look for him." Pidge concluded, already starting for the door with Hunk at her heels.

"Yeah, Pidge and I will check the hallways, and the hangar." Hunk informed, the duo off quickly.

"I'll check his bedroom. Shiro, can you check the kitchen?" Keith asked, but it was more of an order.

"Of course." And the search was on.

Keith left after Shiro, and made his way for Lances room. It was oddly quiet, no sounds of music or Lance singing or even a shower running. It made him uneasy.

He approached the door, and knocked once. "Lance?" No answer.

The former red paladin was not going to wait around for Lance to respond any longer, so he let the door open for him and he stepped into the dark room.

No signs of anyone being in here could be found, and Keiths brows furrowed. That was odd. Did Lance stay with the blue lion last night?

If so, Pidge and Hunk would be sure to find him, right? Standing in this room, something felt wrong to Keith.

Lance had been acting pretty strangely for the past few weeks. He had gotten quieter, and ha stopped voluntarily includin himself in the others events.

Keith was the only one who noticed.  
He watched each time Lance tried to become part of the group, yet dos nothing as each time his voice was silenced.

It got to the point where Lance would just sulk off to his bedroom until dinner, or even breakfast the morning after.

Keith never did anything.  
Lance shouldn't be so weak, he should force himself into the circle and not wait to be allowed in, right?

Keith realized now he should have said something. Had Lance run away? Was he just hiding so someone would finally notice him?

As if on cue, a chorus of shouts erupted in Keiths skull and he was drawn from his reverie. 

"---notes in our lions!"

"What? What was that, Hunk?" Keith asked, bolting from Lances room and making his way to the Hangar.

"Lance left these notes in our lions! We didn't read them all but I think he's in trouble." Hunk said, voice nervous.

"He said something about leaving a place he didn't belong. I'm not sure but I thin---"

Suddenly a harsh gasp wen through all Paladins heads, and a faint 'No...' entered their hearing.

"Shiro?"

"No, L-Lance..." Shiros voice cracked.

And then they were all running. Meeting in the halls they all made a break for the kitchen and their armor boots pounded on the floor of the castle.

When they finally made it to their destination... they couldn't believe what they were seeing.

Shiro was frozen in an open doorway, staring in at a figure slumped forward near the sink.

Lance.

And his jacket was tied around his neck and his skin was pale. His head was bowed forward, slightly tilted. He looked small and sad, as if he were sure ending to the fate that was strapped around his neck.

The jacket around his neck was tied tightly around the faucet of the sink, one sleeve tied in a half assed noose that was ill practiced.

"Lance!!!" Pidge screamed, and ran forward only to be yanked back by Shiro who held onto her an went to the ground.

Keith replaced Shiro, and stood frozen in he doorway. This...

Hunk was the one who approached Lance. He came forward very slowly and tilted his friends chin up, to look at him.

There were tear stains on his cheeks.

His tongue was swollen, and his chin wet, lips red rimmed along with his eyes. His cheeks were swollen just a little, the skin at his throat trapped and irritated by the jacket.

Hunk slowly cut it from his friends neck, and no one in that room would forget the way Lance just fell.

To his side, with deep ridges in his neck from the killing device. Hunk felt for a pulse but didn't need to when his fingers touched Lances neck and he was freezing.

It had only been at most seven hours since Hunk saw his friend, alive and walking. This must have happened only moments after their meet.

A sob came from behind them and when Keith broke out of his daze to look, Pidge was holding slips of folded paper.

She read from one of them, and by then very one was in tears and no one had any idea what to do with Lance. They couldn't look at him, couldn't see him like that.

To see someone once so full of life snuffed out by his own choosing, quieter after acing a voice so loud.

It wasn't fair.

How someone who was loved by others couldn't love himself and now he was gone and nobody had the chance to say anything, to do anything.

Now, their friend was hanging by his own jacket on the kitchen sink. He had been so desperate to leave the horrid place they had made for him, so he went like...that.

Someone who used to bring so much light to a place in the darkest times, was now left in the darkness to his own demise an nobody was there to stop him.

He was that helpless, that desperate.  
So lonely and so sad, to blow out the candle that everyone had been seeing by.

Oh god if they ha only known.

'If you're reading this, Keith, you probably know what happened. You're probably dancing get my dead body right now anyway, ripping this up into confetti. So I'll keep this short.

I wasn't happy here. I didn't feel I belonged with you guys anymore, as you cast me out and made it known I wasn't wanted around. I wasn't needed around.

Even Blue didn't want me around anymore and I think that hurt the most. It really did.

I wish I could have been on better terms with you, but I understand why you hate me. I hated me too.

So I left. Sorry I had to do it in the kitchen like that but there's not much of anywhere to hang from in this castle so I used the sink. I hope I didn't break anything.

Isn't that how that guy killed himself in that movie you liked? You told me it was actually a pretty popular way to go.

You know me, always trying to be one with the crowd. And Keith?

You were a great leader.  
I really mean it.

P.S. Make sure Pidge sleeps. And Hunk eats, and that Shiro gets out of his room sometimes. Help Coran out around the castle. And flirt with Allura for me.'

Oh god if they had only known.


	59. Shower Thoughts

TW: self harm, major character death 

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

He watched the water slosh around his toes, and by refueled he curled them and wiggled them a few times.

Apathy was what he wore today, and he wouldn't lie and say he hadn't changed that out fit in a few days.

Apathy.

Lance went about his days as if a mindless zombie, eyes barely grazing his surroundings and over noticing the things that were alive.

Judging him.  
Looking at him.  
Hissing.

Yet he remained apathetic, unable to change that outfit, and listen to the ringing that came through his left year to mingle in his brain and get trapped inside.

Lance flinched for the umpteenth time that day. That week. Since that day...

"Are you kidding me?"

Lance closed his eyes, willing his heart to stop clicking in his chest. Willed for his breathing to return to normal.

He focused on the water around his toes, which was warm and cold whenever he'd lift his feet. It was a slow motion.

Apathy.

Lance wore apathy during the day but as he stood here in the shower apathy was gone and now he wore his own skin.

Call that a fashion no no.

His own arms snaked around his ro cage and held there, as if begging those bones to come together to suffocate his erratic lungs and stop his anxious heart.

They didn't listen.

The boy ran a hand across his chin, over his cheek, dug into his eye for a few seconds, then carded through the hair that stuck through his forehead.

When he pulled his hand away, inside his palm rested a small blade. Let us name this blade Apathy.

Lance hated the skin he walked around in all day, hated the brain that resides in his skin covered skull. The things he could hear.

The things he could do to a person only because of his anxious heart and his mind that never quit, and to accommodate for those things came apathy.

He heard it again, and he couldn't breathe. His palm closed slin the tiny blade.

"Are you kidding me?"

A frustrated sigh separated Lances throat, as if the blade itself had opened up the airway. This was not apathy.

Looking down, with trembling skin, Lance opened his palm and saw the small beads of blood were the blade had rested into his skin and nuzzled there.

He slid it between his middle and forefinger, holding it steady with his thumb as he held it to his wrist.

"Are you kidding me?"

Before his mind completely thought it through Lance opened up a pink line vertically down his wrist and then watched it turn red.

That was apathy that he saw, red and angry and not as emotionless as it was when he wore it.

Water washed it away quickly.  
Lance made another cut, one that felt much like the metaphorical one that open Lances throat only moments prior.

He flinched again.

"Are you kidding me?"

Water washed it away again, and it washed away the multiple, multiple more that followed. Water washed it all away and soon it was a race.

A race to fix the damage that had been done. A blade both physical and mental.

A race of his heart, and his mind.

A race of the water to wash away what was on the surface, coming from above.

A race to get it all out as quickly as possible and yet with each angry red line it only free darker and darker in his chest.

So did the thoughts in his mind.  
And the blood from the vertical lines in his wrist. Light of pain broke grouch that dark.

Apathy was gone, replaced with shock.

Lance looked down quickly to see the dark red liquid squeeze from the breaks in his skin, dripping and staining the water at his feet a pink color.

A color Allura once said represented their fallen people and suddenly Lance got it.  
He understood why it was that color.

The water had long since ran cold and the former blue paladin stood there shivering, teeth clanking and his body freezing.

His blood ran cold,his back hit the cold metal surface of the shower wall behind him and he slid down.

Apathy hit the tiles of the shower floor and raced to the drain, but was unable to go down. Just another race.

Lances blue eyes looked down at his naked body, at his not so naked wrist.

It wore the remanents of Apathy.

Lance flinched once more, squeezing his eyes shut until eventually they would loosen.

Until they would stay closed, as the Aparhy drained out of him and left the boy cold in a cold shower coated with cold water that froze it all.

Apathy would turn blue, as blue as his lips and the tips of his fingers. The ends of his toes that still had water sloshing around them, except now it had changed.

Once more.  
And he knows what you're thinking.

"Are you kidding me?"


	60. Let It Be

TW: implied major character death  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

Lance stared around at the forest around him, breathing in the dark night and the crisp air. It was relaxing.

That was something he'd been working with Shiro on for the past few weeks.

Relaxing.

It was a lot harder than it might sound, giving the things he had to relax his mind from. It was nothing pleasant, of course.

His two years with Prince Lotor himself.

Lances time spent captured by Lotor had left him with anxiety that stayed with him from his time in imprisonment, to now. 

And, from now, to forever so forth.

Thanks to that son of a bitch it was something he would always have to deal with, and there was no one that Lance hated more. 

Lotor.

The things that bastard had done....

The blue paladin could feel those purple fingers tracing circles in various parts of his body. Feel the monster inside of him and the bile that came from his throat as a result.

Lance imagined the various torture weapons he'd been shown, and all of the new ways a human body could be mutilated that he had learned. It was sickening.

And, obviously, Lance had only been able to learn all of this by Gavin them done to himself. He was Lotors push pin.

He remembered the words spoken, the phrases whispered, lines that stuck in his head and left him feeling small and scared.

That was a good way to describe it.  
Scared.

T E R R I F I E D.

It left noticeable after effects.

If you asked him about it he couldn't give you an exact date he had noticed, since there were no mirrors available, but he could guess.

The day Lances hair turned white.

Of course, it wasn't actually one singular day. Something like that takes months to happen, and with Lotors mindset, the Prince loved to torture and make Lance anxious enough for it to turn faster.

By the end of his two years in Lotors captivity, half of the hair on the blue Paladins head on one side had turned white.

Funny enough, it was opposite the side that Lotor liked to pull on during some of his sessions of rage, sometimes lust.

That was another thing---

"Lance? Hey, remember...we are relaxing." Shiro said quietly, breaking Lances destructive train of thought.

The blue paladin shook his head, taken out of his train of thought and he looked up, panging slightly. "Huh?"

Understanding, Shiro gave the boy a a soft smile and put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?"

He had to catch his bearing for a moment.  
Lance had to understand that he was my instead feeling those hands, hearing that voice.

The boy was right her wth his hero, sitting in some alien forest as everyone inside rested up for the night.

"I-I....no." He shook his head politely, and the bags under his eyes were very noticeable as he looked at Shiro.

"N-No. No I'm good."

Explain that to Shiro when he wakes up the following morning, seeing his friend passed out on the floor of his bedroom without a breath.

Without a pulse.

But better yet?  
Without anxiety of being take again.


	61. Things That Go Bump in the Night

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
A dark laugh sounded throughout the castle, and it sent horrid chills down the team members spines as it carried on through the castles empty halls.

It was something straight out of a movie.

The kind where it's teenagers at a sleep over, and they tell spooky stories and joke and shove. Until it all becomes too real.

Classic thing like that, irony.

It was real, and maybe there wasn't sleepovers, but it was something straight out of the nightmares and deepest fears of each member of Voltron.

The laugh sounded again.

"Come on, friends. Didn't you say I was apart of your team?" Lances voice sounded through the halls, and whimpers bounced off of corners and on walls.

Pidge.

Lance laughed again, striding down the dark corridor of the castle, having cut the power for the most part as Lotors corruption took effect.

He had been acting weird since the last mission. Lance as been temporarily trapped by Lotor, but then suddenly let free.  

Now they knew what had happened, and what Lance had seemingly forgotten about.

His old paladin armor had turned black, and what once was a cheery blue color was now a dark purple, the 'V' shape on his breastplate slashed through from Pidges bayard.

Before he'd captured her.  
During the struggle.  
After she had lost.

The only light that shown anywhere near him, was the yellow and purple of his yea and pupils, like a cats eyes in a camera lens. It wa terrifying. 

"Don't you want your Pidge Podge? Doesn't she have the cure? But wait? You can't activate the serum without her?" Lance threw his head back and let out another laugh.

Allow me to introduce the situation.

Lance held the end of his old bayard, turned to a shot gun, up against the side of Pidges skull as he dragged the crying girl down hall after hall.

Bait.  
\---

Everything had been going fine. 

They were all having dinner, and Lance had been acting a little strange, but maybe it wasn't as unusual at the time as it should have been.

The blue paladin complained mostly about his eyes hurting, and about feeling a little down, but that had been it.

Hunk had left him well wishes when Shiro offered that Lance go to bed, and the Cuban boy had done just that.

He said goodnight, trudged off to bed, and no one heard from him for hours.

"What did you think that was about?" Keith asked through a mouthful of CinnaMint foam, brushing his teeth as he stood with the others in the lounge.

"I think maybe he just looked at the lights too much in training today. We were working on looking up from above attacks, so maybe he just has a sensitivity." Shiro offered, slipping into his black lion slippers.

Hunk, laying back on a couch to himself, furrowed his brows and thought about that. He didn't remember Lance with a history of light sensitivity.

"I dunno guys...maybe it was just a headache or something. It could be a minor sickness." Hunk offered.

Pidge didn't seem to interested, "Whatever it was, it doesn't matter right now. He's not going to skip out on the planet gazing tonight. Coran said the hips going to orbit a planet that only shows on the third day of the month every ten thousand years!"

She had a point. They'd been excited about this for days, and there was always the chance it slipped Lances mind since he didn't feel good.

The others seemed to think this made right sense. "Go get him, Pidge? We're gonna turn out the lights and get ready."

With a groan, the green paladin got up and stumped off to Lances bedroom, not enthusiastic about the fact she had to get up.

"Dumb Lance and his dumb headache... Get himself back there!" She grumbled.

As Pidge neared Lances room, she felt something uneasy grow inside her gut, but she wasn't sure what it was.

Usually she could hear Lance snoring, or the sounds of sheets shuffling, sometimes light music, but now it was completely quiet.

Pidge stood outside Lances door, tilting her head and leaned in to try and listen. Not a sound, which made her frown.

Did Lance feel really THAT bad?  
Her small fist knocked, "Lance?"

No answer.

She didn't have the energy or the care to go in or knock harder to wake him up. Lance was a hard sleeper when hewanted to be.

"Okay, fine. I'll just---"

As the green paladin turned, she screamed as she became face to chest with someone. 

"Oooh! God you scared me, fu--- Lance?"

An evil grin came across his face, and Pidge felt her heart stops she looked up at him,unaware of the events that were to come.

The corruption that had taken place.  
What line in store.

Her voice shook, hands trembling.  
Oh god.

"...Lance....?"


	62. Ups and Downs

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
It's horrible to watch Someone   
you care about so deeply, Just  
torn from your very grasp, you Wanted  
minutes to help them. The  
pain that comes with feeling, the Hurt  
of never seeing them again, that To  
feel is something that will never Stop.

It was supposed to have been Simple  
yet it would never end like that, But  
it was a resolution that could Never  
be taken back. Something that Quite  
definitely would haunt the team, Able  
to rot and then reside in their souls, To  
harvest like a disease,unable to Save  
it will spread and infect and kill Him.

If only it had been sooner, if You  
had only been faster, you just Couldn't   
have been a little faster, you might Save  
the one that you loved most, keep Him  
around a little longer, not taken From  
the evil you see. Unable to help Himself  
and he had thought maybe you Could   
he depended on you, why...You?

Keith would blame himself, He  
would think about anything he Could  
have done to stop it. What should Have  
been done, something could have Been   
done better. Nothing they did Helped.  
Leaving the team to wonder Why  
did he deserve their excuse of 'Couldnt'  
or maybe 'didn't'. He relied on You  
and that should've been enough to Save  
his sanity. It wasn't enough for Him.

It would never be enough.


	63. Ups and Downs

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
It's horrible to watch Someone   
you care about so deeply, Just  
torn from your very grasp, you Wanted  
minutes to help them. The  
pain that comes with feeling, the Hurt  
of never seeing them again, that To  
feel is something that will never Stop.

It was supposed to have been Simple  
yet it would never end like that, But  
it was a resolution that could Never  
be taken back. Something that Quite  
definitely would haunt the team, Able  
to rot and then reside in their souls, To  
harvest like a disease,unable to Save  
it will spread and infect and kill Him.

If only it had been sooner, if You  
had only been faster, you just Couldn't   
have been a little faster, you might Save  
the one that you loved most, keep Him  
around a little longer, not taken From  
the evil you see. Unable to help Himself  
and he had thought maybe you Could   
he depended on you, why...You?

Keith would blame himself, He  
would think about anything he Could  
have done to stop it. What should Have  
been done, something could have Been   
done better. Nothing they did Helped.  
Leaving the team to wonder Why  
did he deserve their excuse of 'Couldnt'  
or maybe 'didn't'. He relied on You  
and that should've been enough to Save  
his sanity. It wasn't enough for Him.

It would never be enough.


	64. Its A State of Matter

TW: major character death  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

"Alright, does everyone understand the plan?" Shiro asked, voice hushed and he was crouched amongst the rest of Team Voltron. They were hidden away in one of the many corridors of the Galra ship.

Keith nodded, "I go first, scout around and shoot and sentries I see." He glanced at Pidge.

The green paladin spoke up, "Once he rounds the corner, I go down that hall..." She pointed behind her shoulder with her thumb, "...and make it to the control room. Once I get in, I connect our trackers to the map of the ship, and will warn you all of any danger approaching." 

Shiro nodded, looking at Hunk.

"I go behind Keith, and defend him from behind but only keep him in my vision a little. I hide the century bodies."

Shiro nodded, "I'll go and look for where Lotor is keeping himself hidden, based on Allura and Coran's calculations, he should be in Zarkons bedroom."

Lance licked his lips, "And I stay at the exit right? Guard it and have it ready for when you guys get back?"

He couldn't help but know in his mind that his job was possibly the simplest, and definitely the most boring. Lance wasn't actually helping majorly.

The blue paladin was met with unanimous nods, and he sighed with a smile. "I'll keep it nice and warm for you guys."

Shiro nodded once, getting up and glanced into their hall. "Coast is clear, Keith, head out."

And that was how the mission started.

One by one, everyone left to fulfill their important role on this mission, and Lance was left to struggle behind. 

"Guard the exit, yup, that's exactly what my paladin ancestor had in store for me." He started down the hallway towards the way they had come in, and the way they would exit.

"Lance McClain, sharp shooter, ladies man, guarding an exit?" He rolled his eyes, adjusting his bayard and rounded a corner to halt at the door.

Standing here would get boring way to quickly. Lance doubted any centuries even came by over here, it was so quiet.

With silence, came time for thoughts.

Frankly, when you're in the middle of a mission that you have no significance in, those thoughts tend to wander off a dark road.

Even Hunks role seemed more worthwhile, no offense to his best friend or anything. He was Keiths guard! That was cool! Keith wasn't like a door, doing absolutely nothing.

The Cuban started to wonder what it possibly could have been that he had done, to make Shiro and the others think he couldn't be a big help to this mission.

Was it because he slept on one day this week before training?  
Was it because he took the last pizza roll?

Maybe it was because they knew about how he stayed up at night, upset in the night, drowning in his own thoughts and insecurities?

Did they hear his heart beating on the dead of those nights? His shaky breathing?

Could they hear the tears falling between his knees where his head rested, dripping onto the tile floor? His sniffles?

Did they know about all of that and decided that was what led to his insignificance?

Of course it couldn't be, Lance always made sure to be extra quiet. They didn't even care that much to listen though too, right?

The thoughts became so crowded and must, that it was like a sharp hit to the neck when he finally came back to the present, out of his thoughts.

Most likely because that's exactly what it was that brought him out. A laser of light shot through his neck, like a bullet.

Lances eyes shot wide as the first thing he saw was the blood that splattered the door in his periferal vision. Then, turning, the Galra solider that stood with his gun raised not even a few feet away.

"H-Hgk...k..." Lances knees buckled beneath him as he choked on the blood wheeling up in his throat, and the boy fell.

Against the door he was supposed to be guarding, no less. 

It didn't take long to black out from a wound like that, but the last thing he did see was the soldier falling to the ground, and a flash of purple.  
\---

WhenShiro had followed the century and found out what he had done, Shiro lost it and used his hand to make sure that bastard never got up again.

"LANCE!!!!" He shouted, running forward and cradled the boy, turning his him to look at his comrades wound.

"Fuck, oh god." Shiro glanced at the blood that was getting everywhere, and tried desperately to use his hand to stop the bleeding.

Lance was pale, this was bad.

Shiro shouted into the coms, "Everyone get to the exit! I don't care what you're doing or how far you got, we need to get back to the castle!"

Answers came quickly.

"What? Shiro, why?"  
Keith.  
"What happened?"  
Hunk.  
"Are you kidding?! What's going on?" Pidge.

The black paladin made a frustrated sound, looking down at Lance and tryin to get him to open his eyes. "It's Lance, he's hurt bad."  
\---

When thy made it to the ship, Lance finally woke up. The team were all making a joint effort to carry him, careful of how they did so do to his wound.

He should be dead, unconscious, but it was Shiros arm and his fact reacting that was keeping him going this long.

"N...Ngh?" 

Immediately, everyone looked down and the first thing the boy with the blue eyes saw, was the tears in everyone else's.

"Don't worry buddy, we're getting you to a pod." Hunk was speaking, Lance knew.

Oh right, he was dying.  
Funny, he couldn't even feel it anymore.

Lance knew exactly where he was being taken. There was no point in it, though.

"G-G....n-n..." He shook his head. 

How was he to tell them that it was no use? Lance couldn't speaking with this hole through his vocal cords. 

The only thing he could smell was blood.  
It was awful and the attempt to gag had blood squelching through Shiros fingers.

The was no dramatics about it.  
No slow death or goodbyes, or last agonizing thoughts to be had.

He ha gagged on the smell of his own blood. It had popped somethin in his throat that was already bleeding enough.

And he was gone.  
But he was surrounded by the Team, who lowered him to the ground, and cried.

He was valuable.  
But he never knew that.


	65. Pure Imagination

Based off of the drawings by @/starwhiskers-art on Tumblr! 

TW: major character death  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\------------

Lance stared down the length of his bayard, a dull flint in his eye of the boy he was maybe thirteen minutes ago.

A free mind, although however clouded it maybe be with insecurity and things of the like, wouldn't be discussed at the given moment.

It would take awhile.

His blue eyes were glassy, with trance and tears alike misting them over and giving them a look they had never worn before. Not even the most depressed could wear an expression as such, yet there was nothing he could do to change what was happening.

It would all start going to absolute shit very soon, and the longer his finger quivered on the trigger, the faster hell came.

If you want to view paradise...

He felt the hot tears that were in his eyes slip, but he couldn't wipe them away as the signs of distress and submission drifted down the outline of his nose to drop at his jaw.

Staying down the scope, he followed a familiar figure clad in red armor and a feeling of duty and horror came over him.

A thought struck in his mind, and although it came from his own head, it was not his own voice. His body was tense, against the one behind him.

Narti, Lotor's blind female general.  
The one with the "cute little kitty cat", as Hunk had proclaimed earlier, and the tail.

He felt a slight pressure behind him, could feel the dark tendrils of mind control as it outline the nerves to his brain.

The thought that came to mind. Kill him.  
That's when the quivering started as Keith consistently pushed to the front of his mind.

They coincided. Kill him. Kill Keith.  
Lance watched the boy through the scope, following the blue that aligned with the ridiculous mullet on the Paladins head.

...simply look around and view it.

The blue paladin could sense Narti looking through him, feeding into his thoughts and determining his actions. Doesn't she need consent for something like this? Is it literal mind rape?

Wait, she's a villain, what would she know about asking permission before you dig yourself into a person's mind and change them? 

Jack squat, Lance knew.  
He assumed the worst part of this was knowing what the coded intentions in his brain was, but unable to do anything to actually stop himself from doing it.

Kill him. Kill him.  
You can do it, sharpshooter.

Somewhere down below Hunk questioned where their fellow paladin was, yet no one was able to answer. They had seen him during the fight, he was fighting one of Lotor's generals...

Now...?

They had no clue the boy was perched, or more so pinned, to the crevice along the wall higher than where they were. Hidden in the dark, only light was coming from his suit and bayard.

Anything you want to...

Lance didn't want to. He felt a more firm presence whims him as Narti made herself seen, had her clawed hands on his holders and arms and silently guided him.

Corrupted him, to tear apart the team.  
And it would be his fault.  
But he didn't want to have to.

...do it.

The tees started to fall faster now, Keith completely in his sights and now he choke on a son that got stuck in his throat.

No sound.  
Nothing.

Except that of his bayard, held tight, gripped in his hands and he barely twitched as it went off. 

As it made its ugly mark.

Want to change the world?

Screams and shouts penetrated his ears, now unclogged of that fuzzy static as the presence behind him lifted and he was in his right mind.

Or...about as right as it could be.

For in fact, he was now staring down at the body of one of his teammates, that stupid mullet unrecognizable in the chunks of head and brain matter that lay around him.

Why had it been so messy?  
Shouldn't such a long range shot been a little cleaner? 

Lance rubbed his eyes and saw himself closer than he had thought he was. He was no longer up hidden near the ceiling, but standing mere feet away.

A smoking bayard in hand, the team looked to him in shock, fear, disbelief, horror. Something inside him broke.

"K-Keith.... I'm---" Lance choked, "...sorry. I-I didn't mean to." He staggered in his place, wanting to approach but he felt he held no right to do so.

What had he just done?

The bayard in his sweaty grip shine bright, transforming into a smaller handgun, responding to Lance's thoughts.

He couldn't believe it.  
He hadn't done that.

There was a cackle as Lotor left, believing Voltron to be no threat with this horrible distraction.

Lance could wring the guys neck.  
But wouldn't that be just another murder at his own hands? More blood on his part?

He couldn't look at anyone, and yet he did anyway. The determination, the sadness. Lance was an enemy now and what were they to do?

Lance didn't give them any opportunity to question him. If they were to do that.

Lane didn't give them the opportunity to attack him. Even though he deserved it.

Lance didn't give them time to do anything. Especially, not react to what he did moments later.

Guilt found him first, he dropped to his knees in his shock and Lance slowly raised his arm so the small handgun was at his temple.

Lance closed his eyes. He didn't want the horrified an scared and sad faces of his teammates, who were coming closer now, trying to stop him to be the last thing he saw.

He didn't want to see Keith's bleeding corpse or the way Pige sobbed angrily over him, wailing for Coran to get here as fast as he could.

Lance could apologize later.

He changed the world, as that handgun went off and it fell from his grip and he fell with it. Importantly, as blue became red.

...there's nothing.......to it...


	66. Star Above the Waters

TW: major depictions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, major character death.

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

The icy cold drops of rain pierce deep into Lance's tear strewn cheeks, pale with cold as he shivered. It was like little needles flecking his skin and leaving him numb and frigid.

Above him, storm clouds cracked and thundered and rolled, making a symphony of Mother Nature's deadly desire.

Somewhere in front of him, the sky lit up with light like a match in a dark room, only now it was a lighting strike as it buried itself and made its mark somewhere in the world.

Good for it. It left a lasting impression when it was gone. Something Lance would never be able to accomplish.

He had tried countless times.

Either to be noticed, to be popular, to exist in the eyes of people who weren't apart of his routine life.

He went to whatever lengths he could, tried to stay out of any negative situation.

Lance was always a people pleaser. He always did his very best to make sure everyone he encountered was left with something good to say about him when he was gone.

But any good start with anyone, would only crumble to bad in some way and have him in ruins. Failure.

It seemed like other people could do it just fine. They could be just like Lance and yet they would be the one to rise up in the world, while he was only sinking lower.

Literally and mentally.

Over the past few weeks Lance had got to thinking pretty hard about life. Not about how to go forward with it, what he could make of it, or even what he had planned in life as it went on.

Lance thought more so on the side of ending it. Which, in that way, could be counted as the same as making it better.

Or at least that's how Lance saw it.

He'd been looking at the possibilities for weeks, like a kid in the candy store. Any way to get out of the world that he couldn't stand up in, only put deeper and deeper into a hole that the people around him were digging for him.

In all honesty, maybe he had a shovel himself, but that had only been for a little while. It was a small shovel.

Hanging was out of the question. He read too many history books and seen too many movies to know that if it's done with the slightest flaw, it won't be easy.

You have to take in people's height and weight, and the way the noose is tied in relativity to it all.

He would leave the math to Pidge.

Second option had been using those skills with a firearm that he had. But in all honesty that was too messy and he didn't like the idea of risking it not going right, distorting his face for the rest of his life.

Although he knew the proper way was to put the shotgun directly behind his ear, he didn't want to wimp out at something only he could control. Pull the trigger or not, there's too much room for mind changing.

Lance had already tried pills. But he had already been on so many medications to numb the race of his heart, the workings of his mind, all the boy had gotten in return was a nice euphoria for a few hours.

The stomach pumping afterward wasn't as pleasant, so again there is too much room for flaw. It needed to be just right.

So here he was.  
Standing atop this mere ledge as the thing he loved most fell down around him. 

You may be thinking that there is too much chance of let go or not let go, fall or not fall, in this scenario.

But that's why he chose today of all days.  
This ledge of all ledges. It was perfect.

Below the 3 ½ inch strip of concrete his feet balanced on, roared the sea. Lance had always loved the water.

A lighthouse. Dark. 5 pm.

Lance had learn most suicides happened between the times of noon and six in the evening, so why not just blend in with the crowd, since he could never stand out in it?

It was about 230 feet tall from the water, and here Lance stood at 198 feet above.

The boy closed his eyes, which were warm with tears but the rain made his skin cold. He felt a swaying motion, and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.

Everything has an expiration date, whether human or animal or thing. 

Nothing doesn't not come to an end.

It can be chosen by you or for you.  
Expected or unexpected. 

A thought came to his head, standing hundreds of feet above the water that would soon become one with him and finalize his expiration date.

Lance had always tried to stand out, take risks, try and be noticed and try to be civil.

How come he lived in a world where 'Take A Life' was something all you had to do was turn on the television to hear. A social norm almost, something sad, but no you don't really try and think about it that much.

But 'Take A Chance'? How is it fair that it seems almost impossible, scary even. Frowned upon, because why would you do that?

What sort of world was that?

Lance lifted on hand from the hold behind him, wiping his cheeks. If he lifted the other, he would fall. 

He leaned forward, his free hand swaying at his side as he stared at the back of his eyelids. That questioned repeated itself.

What kind of world is that?

Lance shook his head with a low chuckle, a sad sound that made it past his lips but was then snatched away by the wind.

A tired voice muttered, "Not the kind I want to live in." With those words, Lance let go.

\---

That wasn't Lance.  
None of them would believe that it was Lance, because how could it be?

It was held in a splayed out position, head back and mouth open, eyes closed.

It's body was on the verge of turning blue, and had already bloated. It must have been there for hours. 

It was dead. A dead, blue thing.

And even though it wore the same clothes, they all refused to believe it was the happy Cuban boy they had come to love and care for, even if he annoyed them sometimes.

They'd gone looking for him after he hadn't shown up for dinner, and wasn't back by ten at night. 

Keith suggested they go out with flashlights.

Pidge who said wait a little longer.

Shiro who said he'd wait and see if he came back while they were out.

Hunk who found the note on Lances desk.  
Shiro who read it out loud, and ran.  
Pidge is the one who found it.

The body.

And it was Lance who was dead.

\---

I knew someday I'd probably have to write a will or something, you know that thing old people write and families break over.

But I guess I didn't know I'd be writing my own suicide note. Things had been pretty okay for me as a child.

I wanted to go to space, or become a marine biologist. Stars and water, either one was perfect for me because I loved them both.

Maybe I should say I'm sorry, because that's what everyone else writes, but I'm not going to.

It would be like saying sorry for the milk expiring, or the toy that broke. I'm just another thing that had an end coming.

We all do.  
But I'm not sorry.

I got to see the water, be apart of it, and I know I probably won't look very pretty when you find me but I didn't bother to put any makeup on when I woke up for the last time this morning.

Don't worry, if you look up at night, I'll look so much better as a star. Among those that I had always wanted to see.

Pidge, you're such a strong woman and you're smarter than I could have ever been. When you invent a code that makes memories a reality, please don't forget about me by then and visit the good ones we had, okay?

Keith, at least from up here I can look down on your mullet, and pretend it looks a lot better than it actually is. Also, do me a favor and make sure Hunk is okay after this. You two seem close to an extent, he is going to need someone to go to. ((If he makes you something to eat, EAT IT.))

Hunk, thank you so much for being my best friend and my brother for all of these years. You're a good bro, and I'll make sure to put a good word in up here for you so you can be the Big Guy's head chef. (Only if I get some snacks though.) I'm trusting you to keep Pidge in check, and make sure you feed those little mice in the shed. I love you.

Shiro, please please watch them all for me. And take care of yourself. I know you've been through a lot and I'm not helping any, but use them as your support and you as theirs. It's okay to need someone, everyone needs another. Just make sure they have you, and each other, because I don't want any of you to end up like me. Stay rad, space Dad. 

I don't care what you do with me, but whatever you do I want to be by the ocean. My final final resting place. Spread my ashes, bury my grave. Just make sure they play Beyoncé at the funeral.

You guys are out of this world.  
See you later. <3

~ Lancey Lance


	67. 31DoHF: Chapter One

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
31 Days of Halloween Fic  
\---

Lance felt the hot water rush over his head, down his shoulders, running down his back and then splashing to the bottom of the tub. 

Long, slender fingers washed over his face as dirty nails dig into his scalp, soapy suds going down the side of his face and droplets of water dripping from his nose and lips.

It was a frigid October night, two days before Halloween. Lance had gotten home from school from fall break only yesterday, which worked out perfectly since any Halloween shenanigans could be easily put into his now free schedule.

Lance loved Halloween, free candy and a whole night of fright and tricks. He especially liked getting to watch his older brothers and sisters create their costumes for that year.

But now he was the last child left in the nest. It was only him, Mama, and occasionally his dad would be around but not usually.

Lance frowned, letting the thought slide off his mind like the water that fell around him. This Halloween would be his last at home, last as a child, as he would be turning eighteen next July.

It had to be perfect, and you can bet he already had plans for the spooky holiday.

Turning off the water and stepping out of the scalding shower, Lance grabbed his favorite blue shark towel and wrapped it around his waist. 

The boy found himself humming a Maluma song, and by internal design he would turn it on as he got ready for bed.

He turned, content in his humming, and went to grab for his phone on the edge of the bathroom sink. That's where he had left it coming in.

But that's not where it was now.

A small flicker of panic flared in his gut that came with the prospect of a lost phone, and Lance looked around the sink and on the floor for it.

Nothing, no phone. That was weird.

He was sure that's where he left it?

Sliding on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, he did a quick once over of the bathroom and still couldn't find the device.

"I know I brought it in here..." He mumbled, concerned and quickly left in search of his phone. Maybe he really had left it in his bedroom or something.

So the boy went to the small room with the blue walls, looking for the device that connected him to all of humanity, and was the source of a good portion of his life. 

Maybe he was just a little attached to it.  
Give him a break, he's a teenager.

He had only been messaging Pidge a few minutes prior to him getting in the shower, and had sent her a mirror picture so he knew he'd had the phone in there!

Alas, his phone was not in his bedroom, and Lance was defeated. What was he to do? It would turn up eventually wouldn't it?

Lance didn't want to worry his mother over it, because of he really HAD lost it, for good this time, she would want to get him a new one.

He didn't need to put that kind of expense on her, especially since his father's lack of financial support for the family as of late.

It would have to be settled later, he was tired.

Lance sighed, groaning and covered his eyes, flipping onto his bed. His friends could wait until morning. Lance would get up and go find his phone and things would be fine.

For now, he was exhausted and wished to fall asleep then and there. If anything, Lance would message them on his laptop the following morning.

The boy dragged the blankets over himself, turning off his bedside lamp, and felt sleep come over him.

His eyelids closed heavily upon blue eyes, and the darkness of unconsciousness consumed him.


	68. 31DoHF: Chapter Two

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

"Good morning, Mama." 

Lance swooped in behind her as she prepared breakfast at the stove, placing a kiss on her cheek with a lingering smile.

He had woke up this morning in a good mood, even though he had the prospect of a lost phone looming over him. It wasn't a big deal, there were plans to be made in the meantime!

"Hello, darling. Did you sleep well?" She often spoiled her youngest and remaining son. "I made some oatmeal."

Lance smiled, already digging in the pantry. "Thank you Mama, I slept well."

He found himself a carton of grape juice, grabbed a couple of glasses, and poured the drink like it were an expensive wine.

Mama came over with the pot of oatmeal, pouring it into pre-set bowls on the table with a happy smile. She ruffled his hair as she sat across from him.

It was a fond gesture.

Lance dug in almost immediately, jogging his left leg under the table and shoveling oat mush into his mouth. "Mmm..."

His mother giggled, "I have raised a pig." Despite her words she looked at him with a love in her eyes only a mother can hold. "I have news, Lance."

This made the Cuban boy look up, cheeks half full with oatmeal. News? His mother only said that when people died, or a particularly disliked relative was coming over on a holiday.

He swallowed thickly, "...news?"

His mother nodded, smile dropping to one that was a little softer and slightly worried.   
Lance could think of a thousand possibilities of things she could say.

Dad had died.  
One of his sisters or brothers.  
A grandma or grandpa?

Maybe one of his aunts was visiting? His father's sisters loved to visit Lance for the entire sake that their daughters took a liking to him.

Lance frowned, "What is it...?"

Mama chuckled, seeing the worry but she honestly shared it too, "I am going away for the weekend." 

Oh.

OH.

Lance had thought it would be many things but this was not one of them. This was actually starting to bring his hopes up, but he didn't show it quite yet.

"Oh...where?"

The woman tucked a greying hair out from her face, keeping a close gaze on her son. "My sister and her boyfriend are getting married. I was invited to the wedding tomorrow, and I must leave today to get to Ohio on time."

It took Lance a moment to calm down. Not because he was worried about the possibilities mentioned earlier, but because he was excited.

"You're taking the car?" He had to keep it casual, not letting the thoughts in his teenaged mind that reeled with possibilities show.

"Yes. You'll be home alone, hijo. I trust you, you are almost an adult now. I put microwave dinners in the fridge, and I bought a box of cereal for you for breakfast. And I did your laundry in case you needed it, all emergency numbers are on the fridge, and the home phone is on."

Like he mentioned. Spoiled.

But now another issue was presenting itself, but Lance didn't have the guts to bring it up as it would crash the whole weekend.

He had no phone.

The only thought that soothed his mind was that if she called, the device would reveal itself, so he further kept quiet.

"Okay, Mama." He smiled, squeezed her hand, and pulled away from the table and gathered their breakfast dishes. "I'm going up to my room, okay?"

She nodded once more, "I must pack and then I'll leave around noon, maybe one. I will make sure to say goodbye."

Lance waved his hand, nodding and smiling, setting everything in the sink before he dashed up the stairs to his bedroom.

This was big news.  
He would be home alone ALL weekend.

With the house all to himself, he could have the best Halloween ever. Lance found the idea of just inviting three or four of his closest friends over would do the trick better than a whole school.

He wasn't popular anyway.

The boy sauntered over to his desk, snatched his laptop, and then plopped down on his bed with a grin.

Group: Voltron  
~~~

LL: hey guys >;)))  
PP: oh boy what is it this time, Lance?  
LL: shut up Pidge I have great--  
LL: no, fantastic---   
LL: ---perfect news!  
KK: hey guys what's Lance going on about this time   
SD: Keith be nice. Good morning everyone!  
HG: Lance!  
LL: okay guys so guess what  
KK: ...  
SD: What is it, Lance?  
PP: :/

The boy was overjoyed with excitement to overlay this new news, and was glad about their similar 'enthusiasm'.

LL: mom is leaving for the weekend 

Lance started to go on about all the possibilities that came with her departure.

Home to himself, gorge on the food while she was gone. Scary movies, and more. All the Halloween activities that they would be sure to do over the top.

And besides, it was his last Halloween as a child right? Before taxes and college take all the fun away, he's going out with a bang.

Lance already had a plan. A great one.

LL: what do you guys think about haunted houses? ;))))


	69. 31DoHF: Chapter Three

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Lance watched as his mother's car pulled out of the front driveway, and he made sure to wave out of the window at her. He saw her wave back, blow a kiss, and then she was gone.

He was officially home alone.

An excited grin returns to his face, and he turned back to his computer as he started up a Hangouts call with his friends. 

They had been just as enthusiastic about the idea of a haunted house, except for Hunk who said he was just in on it for the snacks and candy. Classic Hunk.

As the Hangouts tune chimed, Lance shifted anxiously in his spot and gnawed his lip. Keith was the first to pick up, who was side by side with Shiro. Then Pidge, and finally Hunk.

"Alright Lance, so what about haunted houses?" Pidge asked, appearing to be preoccupied with something she was doing off screen. Everyone was still in pajamas.

"Okay, so I have it all planned out. It's like this..." Lance started. 

The outside of the McClain house was already thoroughly decorated with Halloween extravaganza, and now all they needed was the inside. 

As the talked, the plan laid itself out.  
Pidge would come over and she would set up any outside spooky mechanisms like making doors open or windows open by themselves. 

Hunk would be the one in charge of sound effects like screams and creaking porch boards, and maybe even odd whisper sounds to spook trick or treaters. 

Keith wasn't as entirely enthusiastic about the idea, only coaxed by Shiro, so he said he would just bring the candy. Hunk liked that idea.

Finally, Shiro was in charge of keeping them all in line. He was the oldest of all of them, and he said if he was taking a day off of work for Halloween he was going to use the excuse of babysitting.

Everyone had groaned at that but it was agreed that he was the oldest adult, next to Keith who had just turned eighteen a few days ago, so he could do what he wanted.

The call last hours, so many ideas scribbled onto their minds on how to make Lance's house look as haunted as they could from the outside.

If they achieved this, which they would, Lance could have the night of his life.

Final decision was to leave a bowl of candy on the front porch, and an 'Enter If You Dare' sign on the fence, threatening anyone brave enough to enter.

"Hey, I've got a long drive over there and I'm going to pick up Pidge too, I'll see you guys later?" Hunk said, his screen shifting around. 

"Oh yeah, of course." Lance said, saying a quick goodbye along with everyone else. Pidge said a 'See you soon.' with a few instructions, and then Hunk left.

"When are you guys heading over?" The Cuban boy asked Shiro and Keith, the chat now falling into a small silence.

"I'll walk over in a few minutes, whenever Shiro leaves. I only live a couple blocks away and I don't want to show up first." Keith said, a tone in his voice that Lance scoffed are.

"Jeez, you better be bringing some good candy if you're going to be a grumpy pants the whole time."

"I'll show you grumpy pants---"

Keith and Lace bickered back and forth between each other for a few minutes. 

Shiro tried but failed to be a bit of a mediator between them but with those two that was nearly impossible.

"Your Mullet is the scariest part of your costume, Keith. I bet---"

"Guys...?" Pidge finally spoke up.

She had been silent for a little bit of a while now, but everyone had assumed that maybe she was just busy.

Eyes shifted on their respective screens to the box that held Pidges image, and it could be seen that she was frowning. 

"Who is in the chat?"

The computer nerd was met with blank stares. What was she talking about?

"In the chat, I didn't notice it before because I had my screen on Full, but look." She took over the Computer Sharing mode, so we could all see what she was seeing.

But that was unnecessary, because everyone else had already seen it. The thing she was talking about, that no one had noticed.

There was a long line of messages on the chat that spread out over the course of the few hours they'd all been talking.

None of it was legit, random letters and symbols, a picture or two of land. Nothing that correlated at all with what they were talking about, and made no sense at all.

"Oh my god, what?" 

Shared sounds of surprise passed between all of them, scrolling through messages they didn't understand.

"This is from some anonymous account, not any that we know. It doesn't even have a name or profile picture." Pidge stated.

She could be heard typing away at her computer, everyone silenced in shock and unwilling to give ideas, but they were thought.

Hunk sitting on his phone.  
Pidge goofing around.  
Shiro trying to scare them.

Whatever it was, and whoever it was, had succeeded in creeping them out but now they tried to laugh it off a little.

But and underlying thought was in all of their heads, one no one could quite grasp.

Was it really just a joke?

Keith couldn't have done it because his keyboard was broken and he couldn't type with it. Maybe he'd slammed it a few times too many out of anger.

Shiro confirmed he didn't know it, which everyone believed because despite his complicated robotic arm he knew very little about technology that wasn't foreign.

Pidge was the one who discovered it, so she was out the question, and she explained she'd never do something so basic anyway.

Which left Lance.

And although it was a weaker argument, his was still playable. He'd been lying with his hands on his chin the whole chat, they'd seen it the whole time.

Hunk was the only one in question.  
He probably had some other account he accidentally switched to on his phone and was butt texting them.

But moments later, that possibility was ruled out. Pidge had worked her magic.

"I traced the IP addresses best I could to this user. And I tried to make sense of its messages but it really is just nothing..."

Everyone was silent.

"Lance, I thought you said your mom went on her trip. Why would you add her to our group chat?"

The boy looked shocked, "What? Yeah, she did leave. But I didn't add her to our group chat." 

Lance also mentioned that his computer and his phone were the only device in the house that were "smart".

And even so he had lost his phone.

There were shifting bodies in each little screen. Something was going on.

"Lance... I traced the messages. It's not coming from your computer but..." Pidges next words were chilling everyone.

About the same time, a knocking could be heard in the background of Pidges video feed.

"...it's coming from in your house."


	70. 31DoHF: Chapter Four

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
Hunk had shown up to pick up Pidge, and after that the call got awkward and the others hung up as well.

"See you soon."

Lance closed his computer, frowning, and lay back on his bed. This was all very weird. Strange was another word for it.

He tried to think of any possibility of who those messages could have been from, but whenever he had the faintest idea it was snatched away by logic.

The boy sat up, glancing around his messy room. They had mice in the house on occasion, from dirty floors and mysterious messes from years of kids.

Was there any chance one of them had gotten a hold of his phone and was running all over the screen? 

That was stupid, but it soothes him for now so he went with it. Maybe it wasn't that important anyway.

No one was in his house except him and soon it would be his friends too.

Lance got up out of bed, putting on a pair of jeans and a new hoodie instead of the one he had slept in. 

Better. 

Tomorrow was Halloween and they had much to plan for, so Lance went downstairs to start finding snacks and such to eat while they brainstormed.

Pizza rolls, Sabritones, and candy corn.

Candy corn was nasty, but he knew some of the others liked it so he added it to the coffee table in front of the couch. They could drink juice boxes.

Shiro showed up first, carrying some bags and he smiled, "Hey, Lance."

The boy beamed, "You brought candy!"

The older man chuckled and nodded, "Keith got mad and claimed he was going to poisons our candy so I brought some leftovers from my house." 

Allura was a big fan of Halloween, especially giving candy to trick or treaters, so there was always an excessive amount. Lance liked that about her.

"Hunk will be happy about this." Lance stated, even though he had already taken the bag and started looting around through it. He found a lollipop, and stuck it in his mouth with a hum.

Shiro made a face, "Lance, you haven't even had dinner yet." Oh great his Dad instincts were kicking in.

Lance made the face right back at him, "Shiro, it's not even four o'clock yet."

The college man rolled his eyes and smiled, "Alright then."

Following Shiro came Hunk and Pidge a few minute later, and lastly, Keith. Lance hopped on that one real quick.

"Why are you last? You literally live a few blocks away." Lance crossed his arms and smirked, accusing silently.

Keith glared at him, "Your stupid street dog chased me a few more blocks than I intended, AND it took my candy."

Lance gasped, "Yankee? No, he is a sweet stray and you're just jealous that I love him, and hate you."

The boy with the Mullet threw his thumb over his shoulder towards the door, "I can leave."

"Run to your---"

"Lance!" Shiro cut in, sliding between the two who were nearly forehead to forehead now. "Be nice, or at least civil. We've got work to do and you can't bicker the whole time."

"Watch me."

The argument ended there though, as Hunk explained he had all their tools and wires and more that they would need out in his car. 

Following that statement, the gang filed outside to begin their project. The goal had changed sometime earlier that day, from scaring every kid that dare cross the houses path, to seeing how much candy they could have left by the end of the night.

Shiro also had the adult idea of putting a sign in front of the house that told adults who could read that all of the sounds and window and door opening were not real, and run by mechanics.

Way to take the fun out a little, but it made sense so that they wouldn't get in trouble or be reported.

"So Keith, scream as loud as you want." Lance smirked, glancing at his friend/rival and everyone groaned.

"That's disgusting!" Pidge exclaimed.

It was a wonder how anything was gotten done as the hours progressed in the crispy October scenery.

Shiro was probably best at keeping them on track, until they'd discovered a leaf pile and devoted themselves to destroying it.

It was fun. The sounds were working, windows we're opening by themselves, and floorboards were creaking.

This was going to be the best Halloween ever. Lance made sure of it.

"Ewww! Lance, these leaves were dirty." Hunk complained, although he was grinning and had leaves stuck all over him.

The rest of the gang was in a similar state.  
Leaves crunched into clothing, sticks and leaves in their hair. They all laughed at each other, until something stopped them.

"Guys, I'm bleeding."

Eyes shifted to Keith, who was crouched in the leaf pile, holding his arm. "I think I got scratched by some sticks."

No one had planned on anyone getting hurt, and as they swarmed around their friend they saw he had three even scratches going vertical down his forearm. 

It looked too perfect to be a scratch from sticks, and that seemed to be on everyone's mind.

"Let me---"

In a mere instant, everyone's hearts leapt in their throats. Breath hitches and bodies jumped.

Wide eyes turned with bodies to look, and shaking forms of sudden alarm trembled in their cool autumn weather.

Behind them, all of the windows had slammed shut simultaneously, echoing through it the yard.

What spooked them most, since they hadn't set the door up to do so and there was no breeze...

...was that it slammed too.


	71. 31DoHF: Chapter Five

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Keith winced as Shiro pressed his jacket sleeve to the even wounds on Keiths arm, Pidge squaring nearby her friend, eyes big.

Lance and Hunk stood side by side a ways away, facing the house that had seemingly just closed up on them.

"Okay... You're gonna be the one to go and open that right?" Hunk said, glancing to his smaller friend.

Lances eyes widened and he face his long time friend, "Um..." 

Ghost weren't real. Supernatural things were real, no matter how much he wished to be a hunter like Sam and Dean.

But there was still a needed explanation.

How had that door closed on its own? There was no breeze, and there was no one around the door. 

No one was inside.

Putting on a brave composure, he shrugged and felt bodies around him as the others joined the duo.

"It's ghosts right?" Pidge spoke up.

Shiro and Keith exchanged glances with Hunk, and Lance sputtered. "Ghosts? Come on, Pidge."

"Then go up there." Keith said, a mocking undertone to his voice. "Before I bleed out." The wound wasn't that bad and Lance was aware of thy but he was still willed forward.

"Shut up, you baby. I was going." Lance turned and faced the paint chipped house that he'd resided his entire life in.

If there had been any ghosts he would have known about it. And if there were, it would only be his hamster that got stuck in the walls when Lance was eleven.

Taking a cautious step forward, and several that followed, Lance approached the building.

Leaves crunched under him and he brushed some leaves from his hair, goats opening and closing. 

"Hurry up!"

The boy rolled his eyes and clambered up the stairs, one at a time. "Okay. Okay."

Lance stared around the porch, eyes stopping at the doorknob and hand reaching out. If anything was going to pop out, this was its chance. 

But nothing did.

So Lance let out a sigh of relief and turned to give his friends a thumbs up. All was good, no creatures here.

That was until Lance felt the eight little legs go across his fingers and up his hoodie sleeve. He felt every little step.

Skitter skitter skitter.

He did a little more than screech, and jerked away from the door and down the stairs, shaking his arms out and whining loudly.

Somewhere to his left, he heard his friends scream with him and then come around him.

"Oh god oh god what is it?!"   
"Lance oh god stop!"

Hunk was making his way onto the first branch of the tree in the front yard, but was frightened by the fake body hanging up there.

It was a swarm of screeching and shouts, tumbling over Halloween decorations and whacking at Lances arms.

The Cuban boy shed his hoodie and tossed it towards the road, whining and flipped onto the cold sidewalk.

A couple feet away, a spider disappeared into the dying grass, mission complete.

Everyone had quieted, panting, and Pidge was covering her eyes from Lances bare chest.

Shiro realized what had happened before the others, sense the 'danger' gone, and chastised Lance about being shirtless in 40 degree weather.

"Burn the hoodie." Lance trembled, both from cold and recoverin from the fright having a spider explore more parts of his body than he had let anyone else.

Keiths face turned red, and preoccupied himself with helping Hunk get fake cobwebs out of his hair. 

"It was just a spider. No ghosts."

The group of friends found their way back into the small house and collapsed on the couch in heaps. It was only a little after six and they were tired. 

After a moment there were mentions about dinner or something to eat but everyone decided maybe they weren't that hungry anymore.

Pidge was dozing on Shiros arm, and Hunk was trying to find some Halloween movie that they could all agree upon watching.

As they argued between the Nightmare Before Christmas and The Night He Came Home, or Hocus Pocus, the sounds of rain outside could be heard.

Hopefully it would stop by tomorrow.

"Oh wait." Lance suddenly sat up, glancing to his fathers recliner where Keith sat all tucked in on himself and holding his arm.

"We should probably clean that up, get you a real bandage." Lance stood, and decided he would take care of it himself.

Keith reluctantly followed, only agreeing on doing so because his arm was somethin he actually liked and didn't want an infection lesson to amputation.

Maybe that was a bit dramatic.

"Sit on the counter, I've got some rubbing alcohol somewhere.... This will probably hurt." Lance crouched and dug through his cabinets, and above him Keith stood.

It was an awkward silence that was only filled with the sounds of bottles wing moved and things shifting in the cabinet.

"Here it is." Lance stood, glancing at Keith and putting his hand out to gently take Keiths arm. "Dang, those sticks really got you." 

The trio of lines in Keiths forearm had started to turn a dark red as the blood dried, pink around the edges where the blood was collection under his skin.

"I don't even know if it was sticks, honestly." Keith muttered. Looking away from Lance as the other was bent over his arm.

The mullet haired boy wasn't sure the other had heard what he had even said.

Lance grabbed a wash rag from his shelf, pouring some of the substance on it and pressing it to Keiths wounds. 

"Ouch! Hey!" Keith hissed, tensing.

The blue eyed boy glanced at his friend, then back at the task at hand. "Sorry..."

They passed in another silence, but it didn't last long. Keith was thinkin hard, and had been pretty silent since the incident outside with the sticks.

"Lance?"

He was answered with a grunt.

"When I was outside, and got scratched..." Keith was unsure about continuing, afraid he would sound stupid.

"Yeah?"

Downstairs, Hunk called up to them, announcing that they'd finally settled on a movie and that they needed to hurry if either of the two wanted a good seat in the living room.

Giving it was Lances house, he was definitely desiring a good seat to his own TV. After wrapping Keiths arm up, he sprinted past him down stairs.

"I call the middle of the couch!!!" His socked feet padded down the stairs quickly, towards the living room where they fell quieter.

Keith didn't get to repeat himself or explain himself as he followed after his friend at a slower pace.

He didn't get to tell Lance, as it started to slip his mind when he heard the Nightmare Before Christmas playing.

The Korean-American settled into his spot along with everyone else as Jack Skeleington emerged from his pumpkin, pushing his thoughts to the back of his head.

The thought that it hadn't felt like sticks outside, not what had scratched him.

It had felt like fingernails.  
And it had pulled him down.


	72. 31DoHF: Chapter Six

I'm sorry it's so horribly short, I've fallen ill and writing a whole chapter is out of my zone write now ~_~  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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When sleeping in a new place, or somewhere that isn't routine in recognition to your mind, it will try to keep you awake.

Have you ever stayed the night at a friends house for the first time, or in a hotel? That's what it is.

When you stay up and you can't sleep, that is your mind keeping you awake as a form of protection. Great, right?

But the funny thing about minds, is that as it tries to protect you, it keeps your head full of prospects of doom.

Hunk was out in moments after the movie ended, and Shiro followed soon after. There was a lot of excitement today for Hunk, and Shiro had a lot of adulting.

So it left Keith, Lance, and Pidge awake, sitting in a circle on some blankets and talking in hushed tones by light of the kitchen. 

"I guess I have some walls up..." Keith muttered, wrapping his arms around his knees with a frown.

It was nearly three in the morning, and there's been talking for what felt like forever.

Like the times you stay awake late into the night and listen to the dark thoughts that drift in your mind, dampen your mood, and simmer till morning.

Except now, these three were not alone in their separate beds miles away from each other, blocks in Keith's case with Lance. No, they were inches apart, confiding in one another.

Pidge explained how she missed her father and brother, who had disappeared on a camping trip in Alaska nearly a year ago.

Keith stated his issues with his abandonment, and his problem with being angry 'sometimes'.

Lance was more reluctant to let out his true insecurities, keeping quiet as he listened to his loved ones first.

They always came first.

So the conversation went on, drifting between the deep things an the lighter laughs, anything to pass the hours that rocked away.

"It's cold..." Lance mumbled as they started to settle into their resting spots. 

Normally Lances home was kept warm for the sake of it having horrible protection from the cold.

But for some reason, as the gang was huddle under blankets and fuzzy pajamas, it was like it had been turned to frigid temperatures.

It was a quiet night.  
One that wouldn't last.


	73. 31DoHF: Chapter Seven

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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When Lance had woken up, he had done so with soft whispers dancing around him. Recognition was not currently available in his sleepy state, his hair tousled and arms aching.

The angle he had fallen asleep in was not a comfortable, needless to say. His right arm was tucked under his torso and his left was hanging off the couch.     

"Oh! You're awake," someone spoke up, the sound almost muddled to Lance's ears. The teen turned and craned his head around to see who had spoken, eyes clouded with sleep. 

Hunk was sitting next to him, a bright smile on his tired looking face. Pidge was still sleeping on the ground where she had evidently fallen off from the couch.

The smell of ground coffee was wafting in through the kitchen, the small gurgle of the coffee machine also brushing Lance's ears.

"G'mornin' Hunk... what time is it?" Lance slurred quietly, the Cuban finally noticing Shiro who was sitting in a chair, phone in hand and a confused yet also concerned look decorating his face. 

"Eh, only around nine. Keith's making coffee in the kitchen," Hunk whispered back, the older teen humming softly as he picked out clothes from his duffle bag. 

A small shout came from the kitchen, the noise alerting everyone in the living room, including Pidge who had shot up from the floor with a gasp. 

Lance's heart was racing as he scrambled to the doorway, Shiro, Hunk and Pidge right behind him. Standing in front of the sink with a scowl was Keith, the faucet running. 

"Dude you okay?" Lance asked, quickly entering the or hen to check on his friend.

The boy with the mullet nodded, "U-Uh, yeah. Shit...." He held his hand under the faucet, wincing a little.

"Did you burn yourself?"

At this point the group of friends had gathered into the kitchen wearing worried expressions and raised brows.

"Yeah, the pot just... I dunno, I was reading the coffee instructions and reached for the pot and suddenly it wasn't on the stove anymore and I just..." Keith groaned at his clumsiness. "I touched the stove."

It wasn't funny, and normally Lance would have made a joke about Keith being clumsy or how that's why he should have fingers on those gloves, but he didn't.

"I'll get you the ice glove. Trust me, it works. My mom made me this because I liked to play with Dads lighters and burned the hell out of my fingers." Lance said.

As he disappeared for a moment or two, Shiro and Hunk sat at the dining room table and Pidge started on heating up frozen waffles and getting everything for cereal.

"Ew, almond milk..."

Lance came up behind her and nodded, "Yeah that's my Mamas favorite. I think it's gross."

Hunk started to chuckle through a mouthful of heated waffles, "Remember that one time you tried it at the store, and you asked the lady for normal milk?"

The Cuban boy's face lit up bright red as he helped Keith put his glove on his injured hand. "I didn't know the normal for that brand was almond!"

Everyone had a good laugh, and breakfast started to come together nicely. For a bunch of teenagers that is.

There was a plate stacked high with the heated contents of a whole box of waffles, a box of cereal, and coffee to go around.

They felt on top of the world with a breakfast for for kings and queen.

Conversation fell lightly amongst them, everyone still waking up or too busy stuffing their faces to be very loud.

That was, until, the adult at the table spoke up, having been unusually silent after looking at his phone this morning.

"Lance?"

Hearing his name, Lance looked up mid bite of waffle, ignoring the cereal his mom had bought him for now. "Yeah?"

Shiro stared at him for a moment, the scratched his neck and glanced to his phone once more. "Your phone is lost right?"

Lance groaned at the reminder of the lost device, setting down his fork and nodded, rubbing his hand over his eyes. "Crap, yeah. I spaced that completely..."

Everyone glanced around to each other. Pidge looked at Hunk, Hunk looked to Keith, and Keith glanced to Shiro and then Pidge.

Shiro nodded once, looking like he had paled a shade or two in a few seconds.

"Why do you ask?"

The man picked at a peeling chip of paint on the table, metal making a light squeaking sound that was only faintly annoying. 

"Well, I woke up this morning and I had uh..." How was he suppose to word something that sounded so crazy?

Out of all of them in the room, everyone stopped eating except Hunk, who hadn't quite caught up to the conversation.

"Shiro?" Keith questioned.

"Are you okay, man?" Pidge asked.

They knew Shiro had PTSD did from events in his younger years, and they were never really sure when to expect an episode out of him.

Was that what was going on?

Shiro swallowed hard, then closed his eyes and let the suspense come to an end. "I checked my phone and there were messages...or well, missed calls actually. Three of them."

Eye were on their friend.  
Shiro opened his eyes and looked up.

"And they were all from you, Lance."


	74. 31DoHF: Chapter Eight

I realized that if I'm going to make this story last until the end of October, I need to slow my roll. So that means either shorter chapters, or longer chapters that are just fillers.  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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Things were getting weird, and everyone knew it. Phones didn't send messages or give calls when no one was there to press their buttons.

Coffee pots didn't move from their spots.  
Doors don't slam by themself.

Something was wrong.  
Or maybe it was just the Halloween jitters.

"What do you mean you have three missed calls from me?!" Lance protested, getting up from his spot to look at his friends phone.

"I mean exactly that, see?"

On Shiro's screen there was displayed three notifications with a green phone picture next to it.

You have three missed calls from Lance.

It was confusing for them as they took turns looking at the notifications and hoping that it would give them a solution to this madness. 

"I couldn't have called you." Lance defended loudly, heart thudding in his chest. So weird, so so weird. "I lost my phone when I went to shower the day before yesterday."

Hunk spoke up, even though he looked the most spooked out of all of them. "And besides, why would Lance call you if we were all here together?"

It was daunting and slightly frightening.  
What could they do except laugh it off and continue on with breakfast? 

Lance wasn't confessing to anything, and what harm was there in a few missed calls anyway?

But Lance knew better.

As his friends resumed their most important meal of the day, the Cuban boy got to thinking. 

This household been around for a good amount of time. It had been built by his father's late grandfather back in the early nineteenth century, making it nearly two hundred years old.

Could that mean something?

People had been born in this house.  
People had died.  
People were hurt in this house.

And of Lance had seen any scary movies in his life, which he'd seen many since he loved them, there was a theory that stuck out like a sore thumb.

Spirits.


	75. 31DoHF: Chapter Nine

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Breakfast was practically abandoned at this point as everyone fussed over the things that had been happening. 

It was starting to come into light and they were realizing that shit was up.

Everyone got so caught up in theories and conspiracies, that no one thought about a very important detail.

Hunk was claiming that there were mice in Lance's house that had mutated and we're going to take over, with no aid of any sort from Lances previous claim of spirits.

Lance had not dared to say that out loud.

Shiro said we were merely being forgetful teenagers, and that we just needed to be more careful, in Keith's case, and to just be more watchful all around.

Pidge took a different turn, one that no one believed but it was fun to talk about.

Maybe Lance's mom was pranking them, putting her remaining son to a Halloween themed responsibility test.

In the end it was quickly ruled out, but it was fun to make jokes about it.

Keith was more focused on aliens, claiming they were preparing to abduct the lot and use them for experiments.

But that's when a thought came to Lance's head, as his friends spoke of alien markings and made fun of each other.

"Keith?" Lance cut in.

Although aliens was a light hearted suggestion, and by no means realistic, Lance couldn't help but think about the markings on Keith's arm.

Voices ceased and heads turned to their mullets friend, and Keith looked to Lance.

"What?"

Lance had to squint slightly, because maybe he wasn't quite sure. Maybe in the scheme of last night and this morning he was just blanking.

But it was a bunch he had an he was going with it. Win or lose, and he hoped he lost.

"How is your arm?"

You could feel the shame fill the room in an almost suffocating sense. They'd forgotten Keith was hurt and here they were bickering.

The boy paused, then looked down. It hadn't been bothering him at all since he woke up and now he's completely forgetting about it.

"Oh, uh..."

He rolled up his sleeve, and Lance helped to unwrap the bandages that had been put in place yesterday. 

And then shit got freaky.


	76. 31DoHF: Chapter Ten

TW: Depictions of wound, graphic.  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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Have you ever fallen and gotten a nasty scrape on your knee? You know, the kind when you were little?

When your new skin is damaged, and as it would heal, it'd be sticky and green-grey and peeling. The kind of wound that never got that way once you were older?

That's what. Keiths arm looked like, with a few minor details changed. Peeling the bandages was thought to have been the hardest part.

But no, it was looking at it.

All around the nearly fresh wound, Keith's veins were popping out and showing bright blue.

You could see the blood flow each time Keith bent his elbow. It was like the skin around the wound had turned translucent where it followed vein.

It was disgusting.

There was pus of course, but instead of a clear color it was the color of honey, and everywhere.

It was stuck to the bandages, and it was all over Keith's arm. It was sticky and had the consistency of runny snot from allergies.

Again, disgusting.

It was a collective gasp as this sight came in for everyone, and now breakfast truly was forgotten.

"Oh my god."

Shiro was the one who took immediate action, trying to find logic in the gnarly scene and trying to play the adult card.

"It looks infected, we need to get him to the hospital." The man chimed, breakin the horrified stares.

Keith only obliged because it was his arm and he didn't want it to look like 'that'.

Pidge wants to follow because it was an interesting scene, and Hunk was then forced to go along against his will since he was Pidges ride home.

Lance nodded, collecting. A few things into a bag as they started to head for the door.

It was an excited chaos, but not the good kind that left people grinning. It was the kind that left you in horrible wait, unsure of what was to come.

And then the door wouldn't open.

"What the hell, Lance, I think your door is broken or something." Pidge complained as she quickly turned the knob and started to put her weight against it.

Nothing.

From that moment on, his when the 'freaky' started to really show through.

Because soon, every window started to slam itself shut, causing walls to rattle and picture frames to fall.

And in front of them, the door lock turned itself so the door remained locked.

The sound echoed behind them, coming from the front door. Windows were slamming upstairs.

It was a flurry of sound, of slams, and everyone had their hearts in their throats.

Eyes met each other's and silent questions were asked, and in the end all eyes fell upon Lance.

Aliens and mice and moms, oh my.


	77. 31DoHF: Chapter Eleven

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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They weren't sure what to do except lose their absolute shit and cower closer together.

"Lance, please tell us what the hell's going on in your house." Pidge said, looking annoyed and fearful.

Keith was cradling his arm, holding it to his chest and looking around. "What are we going to do? Do you have medical supplies or something?"

All eyes were now trained on Lance, and the boy had no clue what to do. He didn't like all of the pressure.

But they were right.

This was his house and it was his responsibility to keep his guests safe. He couldn't help but notice how much paler Keith looked.

Had the wound been worse than they thought? Or was it just as bad as it looked.

"Lance?"

He was snapped out of his thought process, back to the watchful eyes of his friends. Again, he hesitated.

Did he say what he thought was happening? Did he make just some random joke to blow it over?

Keith was hurt.  
If they didn't get help soon for his infected scratches then it would worsen.

He gnawed his bottom lip, "I think my mom keeps done stuff in the cabinet."

The group wandered cautiously back into the kitchen, the whole house slightly darker now as everything closed up. 

"Give me your arm..." 

Lance set himself to the task of cleaning his friend's arm, while the others brainstormed again.

"It's gotta be some supernatural stuff."

"Aliens?"  
"Ghosts?"  
"D-Demons?"

Shiro tried to be the logical one of the group, "Maybe Hunk just wired the mechanics of our closing window wrong and they malfunctioned."

That was boring do no one believed it.

Lance was in the act of wrapping Keith's arm back up, as a came to a revelation.

When he was young, his oldest sibling bring about seventeen at the time, Lance had always played hide and go seek with the rest of the McClain children.

He remembered the basement.  
Lance had thought that the perfect place to hide, so he had crept this little legs down there and hidden amongst some boxes in the back.

Lance frowned, finishing up Keith's, he say back. How had he not thought of this before?

"Guys...."


	78. 31DoHF: Chapter Twelve

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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Lance ran across the living room on his little legs, dressed in blue shorts and a white t-shirt. 

A bright smile lit his face as he looked around for a place to hide from his older sister, the rest of his sibling scattering.

Hide and Go Seek was a Saturday game, something they always did before breakfast as they waited for their mother woke up and their father returned from work.

It was a moment of bonding for siblings and a happy feeling each time they were reunited.

As for Lance, coming in at seven years old and the youngest in the house, he was determined to be the best hider there was.

With his sniper like eyesight, he was easily the best seeker in the family. Now he just needed the other title to be the hide and go seek McClain House champion.

The only problem with gaining that title, was that although he was the smallest, there were very few places to hide in the house so the bigger siblings, who were faster, always go to them first.

Lance checked everywhere to hide.

Maya was in the storage closet with Zacaria. David was underneath the table.

Dani and Louisa were hiding in the washer and dryer, and Adan was in the kitchen cabinet.

The rules of the game today was that they had to stay downstairs, since Mama slept upstairs and they were not to disturb her.

With nowhere to hide, and his older sister, Marcela, counting down and getting closer to seeking, Lance panicked.

Where was he to go?

He found a door, and recognizing it as the door that led to the basement he quickly opened it and stood at the top step, closing the door.

This could work, as long as he didn't go down the steps he was still on the first floor of the house!

He felt clever, grinning ear to ear.

Lance stood there as he heard the countdown hit zero, and then was followed by "Ready or not, here I come!"

The boy fought giggles, hearing footsteps pass his door multiple times and then the sound of more of his siblings looking as they were found.

He stop there for moments longer, until someone started suggesting parts of the house closer to his door, right outside.

Afraid to be caught, Lance broke a rule by creeping down the steps and hiding amongst some boxes. 

They'd never find him now!

It was fun at first, waiting there, but as his eyes peered around the basement he started to feel scared.

It was dark. There were spider webs and cobwebs, probably bugs and mice too.

Lance frowned, trying to puff out a brave chest but his young mind raced with fearful thoughts on what could be out there.

His eyes glance upward to a dull and dying lightbulb that flickered, and the chain that hung from it, swinging.

Lance frowned.

How was it swinging?

To the left of him, he hear the sound of what sounded like something being dragged across the floor. 

A box? 

What could it be? No one else was down here. He was sure of it.

Scared, Lance glanced back to the stairs, and then immediately froze in his spot. He swore hi heart stopped, eyes widening.

"Adan?"

In front of him stood the silhouette of a masculine figure, black with glowing around it. It seemed nearly translucent, but it couldn't be.

Right?

Standing, Lance rubbed his eyes, "Okay, you caught me. New ga---" He paused as he opened his eyes.

The figure was gone.  
\---  
Lance remembered his dash up the stairs, catching his ankle on a step and the hospital boost that followed after.

He had forgotten all about that figure, and the moments previous. For years he would blame it all on mice, or siblings.

Until now.


	79. 31DoHF: Summary/The End

TW: mentions of major character death, traumatic events, gore, graphic descriptions of death   
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IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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Halloween was something of tricks and treats, but giving it was his last Halloween, Lance felt a little cheated.

It was all a trick.

The sounds of his friends sobs and screams still echoed in his ears, staring at his house in front of him.

Illuminated with the red and blue flashing lights of the cop cars, fire trucks, and ambulances. The windows that were cracked where desperate fists had slammed in a desperate attempt to be freed of the doom that had lay inside.

The memory of those screams cutting off in horrendous ways were louder in Lances head than the sound of sirens that echoed around him.

Hunk had been the first to go. 

When the wraith that had haunted the house was discovered, Lances story told and pieces fit together, hell broke loose worse than ever before. 

When Hunk started to choke on the wrappers of all the candy he had consumed the night before, somehow inside him, everyone knew that something was horribly wrong.

And when the man fell, stone cold dead, the panic set in. Imagine your friend dropping dead next to you because of something you hadn't known how to control.

Couldn't control.

Hunk was only the first victim, killed off in the evil transparent silhouette's attempt to prove it was there and it was coming for blood after its years of lying dormant.

Little Lance, playing hide and seek and breaking the rules, broke the evil from its confinement in the basement.

Shiro was second. 

When they had all hidden themselves where they believed the human-like evil couldn't get them, Shiro was closing the door when it slammed on him and smashed his robotic arm in ways the door shouldn't have been able to do.

The electricity that coursed through the mans nerves had sent his hairs on end and his body to the floor.

Screams.

The door slamming repeatedly into the fallen mans head, breaking his neck before it turned his skull into nothing but broken shards mixed with blood and brain matter. 

Pidge got sick, Lance was horrified.  
Keith fell into a madness that wouldn't last long. Because he would be next.

Keith was the one whose fists cracked windows in a desperate attempt to get out. He was the one locked into Lances mothers bedroom, leaving Pidge and Lance to sob and scream in terror at the sounds Keith made from inside. 

Lance would never know what happened to his best friend, pretend rival. 

He would have never gotten to apologize to him for anything he ever did. It was a horrible scene.

They had entered and Keith was on the bed, appearing to have been ripped limb from limb, his hand lying near the window.

The scent of blood was nauseating and everywhere. Pidge and Lance were covered in it, and the girl had gotten sick again. 

Lance did too.

Those last few hours, it was only Pidge and Lance, huddled in the bathroom together and sobbing. 

It was a nightmare. One they couldn't wake up from because it was real life and there was nothing they could do to stop it. 

There was no escape.   
But Lance looked for one anyway.

And that was his final mistake of that Halloween day.

When he'd returned from trying every door and every window, from having to go past the bodies of his friends, he came back to another body.

Pidge laying in the bathtub, in steaming water, and what appeared to be skin and muscle flesh floating in the water around her body. 

Her eyes practically melted into her skull, her mouth agape to show bony teeth where lips no longer protected them.

She had been boiled alive in Lances bathtub. Lance never heard her scream.

It had taken everything in him not to run to the kitchen and put a knife to his throat. Everyone had died. 

All of his friends.   
He had no one except his mother and a father that was gone or missing. 

He couldn't live with what he had just seen and dying by the evil thing that possessed his house was something he couldn't bare to think about.

But when he ran downstairs to do just that, he was met with a different figure. He'd screamed and thrashed, afraid it was the silhouette.

Though it was not.  
It had been a cop.

The front door was open and there were sirens and there were emergency vehicles.

He'd cried. Not of relief, but of exhaustion and trauma and shock.

And now here he was, sitting outside of the house, wrapped in a shock blanket and staring up at the building he could never call a home again.

Lance watched as the remains of his friends were carried out in body bags.

They would call him a murderer.  
They would call him a victim.  
They would call him crazy.

They would send him away for years as Lance fell into insanity over the deaths that were glued into his head and stuck to the backs of his eyelids.

But for now, here he was.

Lance felt something buzz in his pocket, and with confusion he glanced down, temporarily drawn out of his stupor.

"Huh...?"

Lance felt the buzz again, and a trembling hand reached into his pocket with disbelief. 

'On my way home. Had a great time!'

Lance stared down at the message, aware that his mother had no clue of what just happened in her home or the condition her son was in.

But Lance couldn't think about that right now. Because this wasn't possible.

How could this had been?  
Had it been there the whole time?  
Had he not known?

It was his phone...


	80. Trust Issues

TW: major character death, s4 spoilers   
((Lmao I don't like Matt. This is my personal theory, think of it as you will.))  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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Lance collapsed to his knees, alarms blaring in his ears, causing them to ring at a damaging pitch and causing the paladin to tremble uncontrollably.

He twitched, coughing once, blood spattering the screen of his helmet, leaving him staring off into clear water.

His blue eyes flickered, trying to look around and process exactly what had just happened, and coming up with a quick and easy answer.

There was a spear in his abdomen, it was just as simple as that. From who? 

Matt.

Dumped into the water, the crisp, clear water that was now being tainted by dark red and swirling in such a beautiful way.

That was weird, right?  
Describing his own seeping blood as it was expelled from him, beautiful?

It was like when you paint and dip your brush into the water to clean it, and it swirls and spirals like smoke.

Beautiful.

But now he was drowning, and the alarms were dulled by the water and the ringing, and the pounding of his heart beat in his ear drums.

He wheezed and gurgled, only breathing in more air and he knew he wouldn't have long at this pace. Too much blood. Not enough oxygen.

Sinking, Lance couldn't help but see the irony of it all. With Keith gone with the Blades, and Matt back, they were still up one person too many.

And what better solution to that problem than to get rid of one of them? And even better, the most useless one?

When Pidge had returned with her brother, Matt, Lance hadn't liked him from the start. And it wasn't just because of how he flirted with Allura.

He hadn't trusted him from the start.

Pidge had described how she had told Matt about her being a paladin of Voltron, and Lance hadn't seen it but he knew Matt's expression would have changed quickly.

Not a smile. But interest and shock.  
He had to have covered himself up with an aura of being proud of Pidge, right?

How had Matt known to change his birthday to make coordinates for Pidge, if he hadn't known Pidge was in space?

Lance just couldn't trust Matt.  
All those monitors Pidge said he had, what all was he watching? Monitoring? Mapping? 

Matt comes back from the dead and now he's all up in Voltrons giant metal ass? 

Friendly with the princess, nice to everyone, to an extent. But Lance couldn't hold back the thoughts he had had.

Even Hunk had been different from himself when they had interacted, and Lance had not been able to shake that feeling.

Matt helped them against the Galra. That war he fought on their side, but something else didn't add up.

Lotor had no interest in allying with Voltron before, until Matt was on their team. Both Lotor and Matt were unheard of for months.

And suddenly both were back.

The spear in Lance's gut told him all he needed to know, and all he had known.

As his eyes closed, and he started to feel less and less, the life ebbing away from him, he was blissed with truth.

Matt was the bad guy.

How would the others react?


	81. 1-800-273-8255

Inspired by 1-800-273-8255 by Logic  
TW: Homophobia and slurs, suicidal actions, etc etc.  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
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I been on the low  
I been taking my time

Lance walked slowly and carefully on his way home from school, clutching the straps of his school bag and eyes downcast and head bowed.

He had something big he planned for tonight and it was itching at him since second block this morning.

Lance was going to come out to his parents as bisexual. But he wasn't sure how they would react.

I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine  
Who can relate?

He felt the anxiousness of not knowing if he'd be accepted, or if they would assume something was wrong with him.

Liking girls? That's fine, normal.  
But liking boys?

Lance might as well have been an alien from a planet made of shit the way some people reacted to it. 

He wanted to come out to them before Christmas. That was his plan.

This Thanksgiving had left him in awkward conversations about dating and marrying girls, when Lance wasn't sure if his future held a man or a woman by his side.

I been on the low  
I been taking my time  
I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine

No one can be sure when they come out to a parent, as anything--- gay, bi, trans--- how they will react. 

No matter how much you know they love you and care for you, somehow this is the huge obstacle that feels impossible to leap. 

The mountain impossible to climb.

And then there are the parents where you feel trapped because you know they aren't accepting of it but you know this is best for you and you just have to let them know.

Other times, you'd get sick to your stomach at the thought of being outed to your parents and say you'd rather die if that ever happened.

That happened to Lance, once.

I don't wanna be alive  
I don't wanna be alive  
I just wanna die today  
I just wanna die  
I don't wanna be alive  
I don't wanna be alive  
I just wanna die  
And let me tell you why

When Lance went over to the guys house, he'd just gone over to study.

Swear to it.  
But the study buddy may or may not have also been his crush, and Lance was a natural flirt.

The other guy caught on, was disgusted that Lance would try to come on to him when the guy was straight.

They had been best friends.  
But the 'friend' changed that soon.

He spread it all over the school the next day about Lance the Cock Sucking Faggot.

Lance had dicks all over his locker in a matter of days and he couldn't look at anyone without them shoving their tongues in their cheek and imitating inappropriate acts.

(Sucking dick.)

He felt completely alone and no one was there for him here, the little friends he had too busy with their own schooling or home life to be able to offer much more than just a word of reassurance every so often.

All this other shit I'm talkin' 'bout they think they know it  
I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic

Lance started coming home and locking himself in his room, listening to music, scratching whatever bullshit he could on homework, and sleeping away whatever emotions he had. And let me tell you those emotions came hard.

And thoughts came with them.

He thought about how he'd rather drown in the ocean than go to school to another taunt.

Lance would rather bleed out than have to speak out for himself and what people said to him to his face and behind his back.

He'd rather jump than stand his ground, because with the bullying he only thought lesser and lesser of his life and of himself. 

And my life don't even matter  
I know it I know it I know I'm hurting deep down but can't show it  
I never had a place to call my own  
I never had a home

Dinner time would come around and Lance had to fake smile to get through the darkness that threatened to seep out and be seen by his parents.

But it never lasted because he would still get snappy with his mother and disobey his father.

One day they took his phone, a form of grounding on him for the attitude that had developed in their sunshine boy.

Lance didn't know they'd look through it and find the dozens of male models he followed on Instagram, or the gay tags he'd follow on Tumblr.

A persons worse nightmare happening in the matter of two days. He was out.  
But not by his own accord.

He remembered his father yelling at him, asking him if he liked cock in his ass or if he was kissing boys.

He heard his mother crying as she claimed her dreams of a daughter in law to her baby boy was ruined.

Lance tried to tell them he liked both girls, and boys, but they could only go by what they saw.

They didn't see the female cosplayers and actors he loved to talk about, or the cute girls from school.

He didn't mention the cute boys.

They wouldn't have it. They threw a suitcase at Lance and told him to get out of their home until he straightened out.

Literally.

Ain't nobody callin' my phone  
Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?  
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

Lance was forced to stay at his current friends home, and Lance was terrified to refer to him anything else in fear of worse happening.

They kissed. They laughed.

Lance was able to momentarily forget his troubles while he was there and it felt good, the best he'd been in a long time.

But all good things come to an end because school still exists and when there is school there are the taunts and the bullies.

And there was still nothing from his friends, not an offered helping hand or maybe condolence by the harsh words spoken to him. Or the things put in his locker or messaged to him or wrote on his papers or or or or---

I been on the low  
I been taking my time  
I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine  
Who can relate?

It came to the point where one day Lance couldn't take and he ran to hide in the bathrooms after his second class.

He stayed in there all day until the bells rang for school to be let out and then even after that he stayed.

Lance was there until dark.

He opened his backpack and found the gun he had stolen out of his boyfriends dad's safe. He would lose all trust.

But what does trust matter when you've blown a bullet through your skull and you're already halfway to six feet under ground?

I been on the low  
I been taking my time  
I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine

And Lance got up and stuck that gun to the side of his skull with tears streaming down his face and an aching in his chest from all he had been through.

All he wanted was support.  
All he wanted was love.

Lance wanted his mother and father to love him again and not feel like every time they looked at him they were looking at a monster.

He didn't want to be a monster anymore. Not anymore. 

But he had to think about the one who was there for him. The one that still loved him even when Lance had him outed as well and was banned from the home after that.

Before he'd taken the gun.

Lance dropped it from his head and threw it to the floor where it clanged and made him flinch as he fell to his knees and sobbed.

Someone did love him.  
He could see that now, finally.

I want you to be alive  
I want you to be alive  
You don't gotta die today  
You don't gotta die  
I want you to be alive  
I want you to be alive  
You don't gotta die  
Now lemme tell you why

He was loved.  
He was loved.

No matter what horrible thought went through his head Lances boyfriend was the knight in blazon and bruised armor that was there to save him from the thoughts that ricocheted through his mind.

His boyfriend was the one that held him through nightmares and kept him from hurting himself.

The one who told him he loved him and that if he thought he didn't matter to anyone to at least know he mattered to him.

Lance was loved.

And even if it was just one person, at least it wasn't no one and he could safely reassure himself that that person loved him more than anyone.

It's the very first breath  
When your head's been drowning underwater

He could breathe, his tears not falling so fast as he came to realize he mattered to someone. And who was he to take himself away from someone who loved him?

And it's the lightness in the air  
When you're there  
Chest to chest with the lover

The two could overcome those who didn't accept them and show somebody that being gay or bisexual wasn't something that was wrong. 

It was something strong.

How could you say someone who is homosexual or bisexual or pansexual or anything of the sort is not strong?

They deal with the assholes that beat them down and make them feel like shit and make life a living hell to go through. They get through it.

And there's those of them still kicking and fighting and surviving. How the hell would you not call that's strong.

You can't tell me that's not strong.

It's holding on, though the road's long  
And seeing light in the darkest things

When Lance was able to overcome the fact that not everyone supports you, even the ones that are supposed to, his mood change and he rose a middle finger to hate and a ring finger to the man he wanted to marry.

As long as you can support yourself and accept who you are and love yourself, despite when everyone else tells you you shouldn't and that you are disgusting and wrong.

Lance could love himself just a little more through someone else's love, and even if that love didn't last he still knew that it's out there somewhere in someone.

And when you stare at your reflection  
Finally knowing who it is  
I know that you'll thank God you did

Lance was absolutely in love with his new husband, and he wouldn't let anyone else get in the way of that.

Not get in the way of who he is.  
even if he were with a girl, if it weren't a man in his arms, that wouldn't make him less of the guy he was.

He was bisexual and kids at school did not define him.  
He was bisexual and his parents did not define him.  
He was bisexual and no one ever would ever define him except for himself.

I know where you been, where you are, where you goin'  
I know you're the reason I believe in life  
What's the day without a little night?  
I'm just tryna shed a little light  
It can be hard  
It can be so hard  
But you gotta live right now  
You got everything to give right now

Once you let someone into your life that is there for you and loves you, even in the smallest of ways, it's a game changer.

It can be a dog.  
Any pet in general.

Lance had a pet hamster when he was three but when the animal went missing and they had "ham stew" one night for dinner, he was pretty scarred.

It can be a teacher.  
A relative.  
A parent.  
A best friend.  
A sibling.

It could be some random guy at the coffee shop that actually takes the time to ask you how to spell your name.

For Lance, it was the lover that stayed with him through the thick and stayed by him in the thin.

That's all he'd ever wanted.

I been on the low  
I been taking my time  
I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine  
Who can relate?  
I been on the low  
I been taking my time  
I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine

As you take this brighter outlook, get through the bullshit everyone tells you is there, you'll find more love. 

It won't be an easy fight, you're going to have to make one helluva leap and claw your way through so keep those nails sharp, sister.

(Except the middle and index, you have to show your lover you love them.)

When you feel like giving up, do whatever it takes to cool down and start again. Fight your way back up even if you have to cry a little on the way there.

Crying is normal.

Believe in yourself because on the other side of that shit is someone covered in just as much shit as you but you two are going to be perfect for each other, and they will believe in you.

It might be a cloudy day on the other side but smile and that sun will come out.

Lance learned that, looking down at his baby girl.  The new life that was allowed into the world because he had kept his, and he and his husband couldn't be happier. 

I finally wanna be alive (Finally wanna be alive)  
I finally wanna be alive  
I don't wanna die today  
I don't wanna die  
Finally wanna be alive (Finally wanna be alive)  
I finally wanna be alive  
I don't wanna die  
I don't wanna die  
(No, I don't wanna die)  
(I just wanna live)  
(I just wanna live)

Unfortunately for some of those in the world, they didn't get as far as Lance.

They aren't at this part in the story because awhile ago something suffocated them and their sunshines are gone.

Because maybe their eyes were covered by evil hands and no one was brave enough to pry them away.

Lance became a Lesbian/Gay rights activist, alongside his husband. He had a home and nice clothes and food to eat.

A family around him.  
His mother, his father.

His mother in law, and father in law.

You see, if you make it this far all of those people that used to bring you down or beat you in, they'll all come running back.

Sometimes.

Lance got his parents back and he forgave them for all they had done, and he let them play with his daughter and he accepted their hugs.

He did this because if he had pushed them from his life he would not have been any better than they were all those years ago.

Things were hard. But they got better.

Lance was happy. He did it. It was tiresome and it wasn't easy but he did it. And everyone knows that nothing comes easy.

Be stubborn, like Lance, and don't let life fuck you over before you can fuck it over first.

Pain don't hurt the same, I know  
The lane I travel feels alone  
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out  
And I see my tears melt in the snow  
But I don't wanna cry  
I don't wanna cry anymore  
I wanna feel alive  
I don't even wanna die anymore  
Oh I don't wanna  
I don't wanna  
I don't even wanna die anymore


	82. The 12th Man

***I swear I'm alive.***  
\---  
((This story was a gift for my most loyal follower on Instagram, and after putting it off for way too long because I'm a horrible procrastinator, here it is! This story is based off of the Norwegian story (now movie) The 12th Man. Please look it up! ))  
\---  
((Also just saying this is absolute shot an I hate it but I'm just trying to get back into the swing of writing. Maybe such a specific request wasn't the best way to start back writing bUT.))  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Their mission had been simple. Sort of.

Lance and his eleven other mates aboard the vessel were to set off in for German/Galra territory and sabotage their ship. They had a plan and everything.

They were to get in for the sabotage, but along the way upon requesting some assistance by a lad named Rolo and his female partner.

Their crew consisted of Allura, Coran, Hunk, Shiro, Keith, Pidge, and a few members of a group Keith practiced with. 

Did he mention before how he had mentioned it was to be simple? Damn, Rolo.

Lance stood now, or more so knelt amongst the wreckages around him, the remains of their ship and everything on it.

Their own vessel, and then the sunken boat the few survivors had escaped on.

They had had to detonate all of their explosives aboard the ship to evade the Germans.

But they had been betrayed by Rolo and his partner, resulting the in death.

Of almost everyone.

Lance hadn't seen the attack coming, the Galra German Air Force had come in without any warning and had devastated their entire mission. 

So much for sabotage.

Lance felt upset to his stomach, looking around now and knowing within the ruins lay his friends, his family.

Sunken down in the icy waters, it was ironic how the snow fell around him now.

There were twelve of them on that ship.  
How could number blink out so quickly?

Eleven perished or were captured.  
And now there remained one. 

The Twelfth Man.

Lance found himself shakily to his feet, stumbling forward a few inches. 

"Keith? SHIRO!"

Flames danced in his vision and he felt the grip of grief claw at the inside of his chest. His heart contorted as he ran a few feet towards the fire.

"HUNK! PIDGE!" He felt the tears fall, hotter than the fire that burned in the wreckage sound him. "Coran..."

Lance wen back to his knees and let out a great sob, shaking his head and clawing at the ash on the ground around him.

"NO!!! TAKE ME TOO DAMMIT!"

But who would answer that? No one.  
He had to search for that answer.

Search for people.  
Search for help.

For the people affected by the Galras, those blood thirsty bastards. Who knew which ones were taken in for questioning and capture?

The ones who died.  
His friends.

Everyone whom he had any care for was dead now. Or as good as dead.

How was he to go on? Where was he to go with no ship? No guide? No navigator?

Lost out here in semi-foreign lands.   
All he knew was he had to get home.  
\---

Lance traveled hundreds upon hundreds upon more miles to get back home. 

He faced the harsh winter and even harsher people along the way. He was a prisoner of war now against the Germans.

Alone here in the big world.  
The world that was going to hell.

He could go on to tell you about the nights he wanted nothing more than to be back in the ship, burning with his mates. The ones he lost.

Why had he survived?  
Why hadn't they?

Questions clouded his mind and he had no answers to any of them. 

He could tell you about the cold he went through, how some nights he was so cold he slept with wild animals and risked it just for warmth.

He heard on the news, other members of his crew who were being killed, being tortured for information. 

He'd killed others himself.   
Gestapo.

That was the initial intent with the destruction of his ship, but clearly that hadn't go so well.

People shot in the streets.  
He heard of Zarkons camps.

Lance stayed in the homes of multiple nice people who allowed him shelter for only a night or few.

The man heard the children crying.  
Saw the husbands covering the eyes or their wives and daughters. The destruction of war that was clearly there but nobody wanted to see.

Refused to see.  
Turned blind too.

Lance could tell you about the hypothermia, the sicknesses, everything he went through to escape the German military and make it back home with the information he had.

He lost his toes due to the diseases, gangrene it had been. A horrible thing.

But what Lance wanted to tell you about most was the bright side.

He'd made it to a hospital, he'd been pulled along by a society known at the Aruglans. He learned to walk again.

Lance went his life without the ones he loved but at the same time he learned to love others, make amends with his past but never forgetting it.

He died and honorary man. 

((You hook me up with prompts.))


	83. The End of the Beginning

((Please be patient my lovelies, as I am only testing my wings after being down so long. <3 <3))  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---  
\---

The deep aching, not quite a pain but an ache that comes from within and drags your entire being with it.

Do something.  
You know you need to eventually.

Start that thing.  
Otherwise you'll never hear the end of it.

But at the thought of doing anything, that dull aching accompanied by the hammering in the chest. Making your head feel like it's a thousand pounds.

Lance lay on his side on his bed, eyes grazing lazily over the comments on his phone. Anything but what he should be.

Kik.  
Instagram.  
Messages.  
YouTube.

Oh wait I heard about that new app, let's go check that out for like two minutes and then delete it...

Explore pages that suck you into your phone. Deals that take you out of society.

Don't get him wrong he did more than just stare at a device for hours in end. He was in his senior year of high school.

Sure, he was on leave of absence at work but there were still things that kept him busy. 

Things his mind told him were at the forefront of his mind.

Creative writing was the beginning.

The beginning of what felt like the end.

He was a writer.  
...right?

Lance could recall starting his Creative Writing class full of vigor and excitement to expand the hobby and talent he adored.

Writing was his passion.

School started in August.

By October, he could barely write five hundred words, he'd lose it. He couldn't.

As a write you must be able to take criticism, take the fact that not everyone is going to like what you do and that there are flaws.

But this was a simple high school class... 

A simple class were the teacher was so intimidating as a writer that you had to lie to her about the context behind the work.

'Have you ever been through this?' She had sounded so accusing, and he was already so close to tears he might break.

The first lie in that class. "No."

'Yeah, well it shows.'

That was the beginning of the end.

The end of his passion for writing.

All because of some measly teacher.

Lance could recall laying for months with ideas in his head, and now he just lay with ideas in his head and and empty heart.

The motivation was gone no matter how hard he tried to grasp for it and it hurt.

He missed his readers kind words, he missed their thanks and how he could inspire others because that's all he wanted. 

Lance wanted to help somebody.  
Have you ever been through this?

That's what she had asked, and Lance asks this now.

Have you had your hobbies so belittled that you lose the passion to create what once loved to do?

Drawing became writing.

Writing is... now what?

Did you ever sit for hours in bed knowing you had all the time in the world, but that ache inside followed by the weighed down head, leaves you unable to do it?

Here he was.

Lance knew that the greatest way to come up with a story is to take what you feel and put it down. 

He'd made a half hearted attempt at writing to get back in the groove.

But he knew it was horrible.

He couldn't leave them with that.

The ones who loved him and loved what he created: how could he do that to them?

Before Lance knew it his finger were flying across a keyboard and he was focused and he could understand and he was aware.

Maybe the motivation, the passion, would take a little while to come back. 

He needed time to stretch his wings before he dove back into it and hoped to one day soar again.

Hoped they would love him.

Lance would come up one day and he would be who he use to be, things would be good again. 

Why should he let others get him down for what he loved?

Not any longer.

This is no longer the beginning of the end.

This is ripping out the last few pages where the story got dark and rewriting something fresher and newer and better.

This was the end of the beginning.

And now...

Well...

The climax is when things pick up and get interesting, now isn't it?


	84. Remembrance

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

Where are words in times like this?  
For all those who we say we miss.  
She had a scholarship.  
He just got citizenship.  
When potential is shot down,  
And all the government does is frown?

She was fourteen.  
He was the light for all to be seen.  
Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter.  
Coach, Teacher, Husband, Father.  
Say their names, and end this now.  
For those departed, let's take a bow.

Next Olympics will be less a man.  
She loved the beach, the place to tan.  
JROTC multiple were bound.  
But dead, these souls were found.  
Dreams shot down, school shot up.  
Only the shooter gets a close up.

Know their names, don't know their story.  
Just remember: it was really gory.  
With that thought, wouldn't something be done?  
A number, starting at one.  
Its only month two,  
Please tell us what to do!

Who has to die for change to come?  
Just let eighteen stop the sum.  
Don't blame mental issues,  
as more and more sob into tissues.  
Get rid of the killer, it isn't a man.  
It is a gun, a gun, please understand.

Seventeen dead, others hurt.  
All you do is stand there kurt.   
In a month, will we think again?  
Or just the families, shrouded in pain.  
"Thoughts and prayers, out to you!"  
Oh shut up, nothing is what that'll do.

She was as smart as could be.  
Others died in this tragedy.  
They are your children, your kids, your friends.  
Promise us, anyone, that this war ends.  
The war between life and death,  
Stop it now, their loss of breath.

We know Florida isn't the last to go.  
But before its too late, stop this gun show.  
'Make America Great Again', a phrase we all have heard.  
But the man who says it, looks on without a helpful word.  
Other countries laid the law,  
And their kids are still okay, oh the awe!

Its not rocket science or math,  
There's only one right path.  
Avenge him and her, make this right.  
We will not go down without a fight.  
Our family, our kids, Americas shame.  
Remember them, know their name. 

Rest In Power:

Peter Wang (15)  
Alyssa Alhadeff (14)  
Scott Beigel (35)  
Martin Duque (14)  
Nicholas Dworet (17)  
Aaron Feis (37)  
Jamie Gattenberg (14)  
Chris Hixon (49)  
Luke Hoyer (15)  
Cara Loughran (14)  
Gina Montalto (14)  
Joaquin Oliver (17)  
Alaina Petty (14)  
Meadow Pollack (18)  
Helena Ramsay (17)  
Alex Schachter (14)  
Carmen Schentrup (16)

2.14.18.


	85. Hope

IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703  
\---

It gripped him like an icy sting, making the area feel colder than it was and chilled his core.

All any of them could do was stare.

They were too late.

The planet the paladins had been sent to defend against a seemingly mild Galran attack.

It was far from mild, and it made Hunk sick within moments of them stepping from their lions.

Bodies were strewn here and there, literally.

You could find a torso, and then look around and find it’s missing pieces a few feet away. Heads were blown up, people bent in nightmare-ish angles and bones sticking out.

Closed eyes, blackened eyes, bloodied and blind eyes, no eyes…

Lance took a shuddered breath, and he was the first to step forward, bayard at the ready, and slowly walk around. He was frozen, no longer in place, but in disgust, shock, failure…

Children, women and men.

It was gruesome, and it was horrible.

It was preventable.

The other paladins started to disperse in a silence, because what there was to say when you came to a planet made of blood? Blood that was spilled because they weren’t here soon enough. How could this have happened? What had happened for things to escalate like this?

“Keith, take Pidge and look for survivors.” Shiro said, voice hushed. The same thought was going through all of their minds. Survivors? As if. Take a look around.

A planet of blood.

A planet of death.

It was sickening.

“Hunk and I will scout the area for enemy lurkers, or bombs, anything.” Shiro said, guiding Hunk to start moving. The man had just managed to control his vomiting. It only added to the scent.

Lance watched the pairs break off and do their assigned duties, frowning at the fact he had been left without a duty. His mind went elsewhere though, swallowing the hollow ball in his throat.

Lance listened as his boots tapped against the dusty ground of the planet, and it reminded him of Earth’s moon. He loved the moon more than anything, for him it was like a personal friend.

You could depend on it showing up every evening, sometimes it lingered in the morning, but unlike the sun, the moon felt like something all your own. You look up in the sky at night time and you see the moon, and you feel welcome.

Connected.

Everyone can look up and be blinded by the sun, complain about it’s heat, etc.

But who wakes up at two in the morning with you and looks up at the moon and complains about it? Who is there when you are awoken by those demons of the night in your head?

The moon. She’s a different kind of friend.

As Lance stepped across craters and bodies, all the reddish-yellow blood that came from the species that had occupied this bloodbath of a planet, he couldn’t help but imagine his moon.

His moon covered in blood. His friend.

These people had believed Voltron to be their friend, their hero, an ally.

But Voltron, the paladins, they hadn’t come to the rescue in time.

And now look where they were.

Lance felt tears well up, which he wiped from under his helmet. He knew that feeling.

Feeling alone and left behind by friends that were supposed to always be there for you.

He looked back at the direction the paladins had disappeared, where he had come from, and of course the only bodies he saw were those of the dead. Where were they out there?

What would he do one day if the moon didn’t come up some day?

He hadn’t seen his Earth moon for years now.

Did she miss him? Did she feel left behind and abandoned?

Lance took a shaky breath, stopping as he came across the nearly perfect corpse of a Galran soldier, his thoughts unfinished and cut off.

The soldiers armor was not bothered, no scuffs or holes or blood, no missing limbs or anything of the sort. It looked as if the being or machine underneath the armor had just gone to sleep, no injury in the slightest to be seen.

The blue paladin squinted, suspicion rising and he crouched. “How did you die…?”

The answer to that was, in fact, the soldier had NOT died.

A hand reached out and grabbed Lance by the throat and whacked the gun from the paladin.

“Wh--- GUH!” Lance wheezed out a shocked breath, kicking the Galran as it stood to its feet.

“Guys---“

Lance felt like an earthquake just shook through his entire skull. A metal arm punching into the side of his helmet to break the communicator that resided within. “Huh….”

His Bayard gun slipped out of his fingers as the planet swam before him in a realm of black, between consciousness and unconsciousness, and his eyes rolled back in his head without his permission.

Someone took off his helmet.

Something hard was pressed to his forehead.

Maybe it was Lance’s own imagination, but he swore he could hear someone screaming his name. Keith? Pidge? It wasn’t as deep as Shiro or Hunk’s voice, and it tended to crack.

He wouldn’t know, before another thought could be processed, there was a gunshot, sounding extremely close and there was a scolding heat at his head, a brief moment of pain…

And nothing.

\- - -

Keith stumbled as the giant gun went off in his hand, and he prayed to whatever deity was out there that he hadn’t accidentally shot Lance. He couldn’t bear the thought of that.

“LANCE!”

He looked back briefly to see Pidge standing and staring, before running after him, spouting things into her communicator for Shiro and Hunk to get their location. Lance was hurt.

The Galran soldier was hit straight in the face and he fell back, dropping Lance and the duo made sickening thunks on the gravel-like ground. “LANCE!” Pidge yelled.

Keith made it to Lance and he only kicked away the soldier, falling to his knees next to his teammate and panting from his run. Sweat dripped down his forehead, and he quickly fixed Lances helmet so he was still receiving oxygen. “Lance, c’mon… Lance?”

Pidge came up next to him, “You grazed that side of his helmet. And he is bleeding on the side of his head, he needs a pod quickly.” “On it!” Suddenly Hunk and Shiro were with them, crowded around Lance.

“The Princess h-has C-C-Coran landing the castle ship…” Hunk stammered, staring at his best friend on the ground. “He’s bleeding… his face…”

Keith stood, letting Shiro lift Lance, and he put a hand on Hunk’s shoulder. “He’ll be okay.”

The four conscious paladins looked at each other, and the same thought passed between them all. It was like they were all in sync, thinking in tune to the worry and tragedy.

They all hoped he would.


	86. Revenge

My trash ass used Heathers references ayyyyye. Love my boy JD.  
IG: shakesqueerbooks   
Tumblr: writinglangst8703

TW: Literally they all die.  
\---

Several years in space and there was not a single change. None at all.

Lance felt from the moment they were blasted into the adventure that became a nightmare that was his life, he was little and insignificant and not useful in the fight against the Galra.

He was never included in plans, and he always was given the small, easy tasks as far as missions came. If Lance was doing something important, which was not a lot of the time, it was because he disobeyed orders to actually help or have an impact.

It was always after these missions that he faced Allura and Shiro’s wrath, and Keith’s input.

Pidge was occasionally vocal about Lance’s mistakes, but it was mostly when he irritated her.

Hunk, however, never really vocalized what Lance assumed was his disappointment in the blue paladin. There were sad looks, or broken eye contact, and sometimes that felt worse than getting yelled at for mistakes.

The yellow Paladin was the Cuban’s best friend… or at least he used to be.

Things were just getting incredibly tiring for the man, and he wasn’t sure how much he could take. Being everyone’s last thought, their first to blame, a verbal punching bag. He was tired.

It was as simple as that.

“Ah, blue paladin, welcome.” Lotor hummed.

Yeah. That’s where Lance stood now. Just him and the Galran prince himself.

Lance had made his decision a few days prior, when they had first encountered Lotor.

‘Give me the blue paladin, and Voltron will have no troubles.’ That was his request.

Of course, the masks came up on his ‘friends’ and they insisted Lance was theirs.

Lance scoffed thinking about it now. Yeah, their toy. Their slave of hatred.

So Lance left late last night, out in a pod, and stood here now in front of Lotor.

“Have you agreed to my terms? Where are the other members of Voltron?”

Lance rubbed his eyes, looking indifferent. “It’s just me. No one else knows I’m here.”

A twinkle sparked in Lotor’s eyes, “Good. Now, my first order for you will—”

“I have one condition.” Lance explained, and continued when Lotor rose an eyebrow, “Quintessence. Whatever it is. I don’t…” The boy sighed, “I want my revenge. But I don’t want to be myself.”

Lotor grinned devilishly, “Of course. You want revenge for their disrespect, the pain they caused. You know, I myself feel the same why. This is why I’m going against my father.”

Lance swallowed, furrowing his brows. He didn’t want to be compared to the prince. He just wanted to forget and take his revenge as he could never forgive his team. He wanted to, but how could he?

The Cuban was just pushed way too passed his limit and he couldn’t care what happened to him. It was as simple as that. It was like suicide…not exactly physical, but suicide of his mentality.

Whatever happened now, as Lotor led him back through halls and to an oddly all-white room, would be entirely someone else. But Voltron would no later, he was not someone.

He would become something.

\---

“Give us Lance! We know you have him!” Shiro shouted as they stood before Prince Lotor and his female generals, all standing in a star shape several feet in front of the remaining Paladins of Voltron. The color wheel was missing its blue paladin.

The team had awoken this morning with no sign of Lance at breakfast, or early training, and he wasn’t in his room. No one even thought to check the pods, their instant thought was that Lotor had him.

In reality they weren’t exactly wrong… But if they would have checked the cam’s instead of rushing into things, they would discover and even darker truth to Lance’s disappearance.

“Give him to you? Well, I wouldn’t want to force Lance back to you by force.” Lotor tilted his head and pouted slightly, “That’s just rude.”

“You took him!” Keith accused, and the team was confused by Lotors shake of his head.

“I did not. Your blue paladin came to me in the dead hours of the night, so broken and sad. And you know what he said to me? He said to me, ‘Prince Lotor, please take me in. I hate it with Voltron. I was nothing but hurt and I want to join you.’” Lotor said, imitating Lance’s voice.

Shiro twitched, and Pidge growled, “Liar! He didn’t!”

Lotor held up his hands, “Okay, maybe I exaggerated. But he did come to me. Lance, tell them.”

All of a sudden, the generals parted and a lanky figure clad in Galran armor stepped forward and stood beside Lotor. The figure was tall, had caramel colored skin, and the hint of blue eyes were shrouded in purple-ish glow, flecks of yellow within them. It resembled someone they all knew… but it couldn’t.

“Lance?” It was a breathless word that lingered on the lips of his former teammates.

A wicked grin spread on his face, “Hey, guys! Not glad to see you, but I guess I can adjust. Did Lotor tell you the good news? It’s fantastic, isn’t it?”

They stared in horror, unbelieving, watching this enhanced version of Lance, spinning a Bayard around his fingers and playing with it, those unrecognizable eyes stopping and staring at each member of Voltrons paladins.

Keith. Pidge. Hunk. Shiro.

“No…”

“YESSSS!” Lance shrieked, open mouth smiling. He looked at Lotor excitedly, who stood there with a content posture. “Lottie, may I?”

Lotor turned and gave Lance a proud, but small, smile and nodded. “Of course, sweet.”

It was hell from there. It wasn’t real.

Lance was a weapon of mass destruction by the flip of a switch. It started when he raised his arms that held the handgun, a shot fired, and Keith dropped beside Shiro.

There screaming started, but did not end there. The generals and Lotor stood fixed to their star shape positioning as they watched as their new weapon do its magic. Here’s how it works.

Take a broken man, a child within. Give him insecurities.

Stir slightly, and let simmer until it comes to a boil.

Let it boil over the side of the pot, till the lid is about to blow.

Then, introduce him to hatred and lust. Give him change.

Stir again, and let the spillage run free.

He will come to you, but before he can burn you give him what he wants.

Help him, wipe away what came out and get it together in one single place.

Turn up the heat, and then let it burn.

You’re done after that, serve it.

Keith was the first to meet his end, the red of his armor making his wound nearly invisible. That was, until the red blood started to spill around him in a circle. Hunk next to him and desperately trying to undo what the monster had done.

Pidge was next, Lance grabbing her electric Bayard, unaffected by its sting, and stuck it into her neck as her body lit up with sparks and sent her convulsing on the ground in vomit and blood and then… nothing.

All that in less than five minutes. Two dead. Half of Voltron was gone now.

By one of its former hands, too.

Shiro was standing by Keith’s corpse and in front of Hunk, a protective stance but you could see the fear in his eyes, the horror as he witnessed all of this go down before him.

“Lance, this isn’t you. Please.” Shiro kept his hands out, his Galran one activated. It was the only chance against the THING Lance had become as it was Galra tech against similar tech.

“This isn’t me? Oh ho ho, no. This IS me. The me I couldn’t be before because of the anxiety and belittlements. What I was before was just a product of all of your guys’ words! You made me small and weak, but thanks to Lotor I can finally give you all what I was too scared to ever give before!” A laugh cut through his screeching, and it was one of the scariest sounds.

Hunk sobbed behind Shiro, unbelieving and overwhelmed by the violence and death around him. That was his best friend, standing there soaked in blood and… evil. He couldn’t look, he looked down at Keith like he was going to revive him.

That wasn’t possible obviously.

“You can’t take down Hunk and I, Lance. Stop this! You’ve just killed Keith! You murdered Pidge! Look around, this ISN’T you! You couldn’t want us dead.” Shiro pleaded, taking cautious steps towards his friend.

“Shut up, old man.” Lance rolled his eyes, smile dropping and he turned into the tired boy from before. Lance let his arm fall, gazing between his two-remaining living ‘friends’. His voice tuned up slightly, a sing song in his voice.

“And so I built a bomb… tonight this place is Vietnam…” He chuckled, “When this whole place goes BOOM, with all of us inside…” He spun around and did little ‘laser gun’ sounds, the song in his voice fading. Shiro, even Lotor and the generals, and Hunk looked confused.

“If only I had more TNT.” Lance smirked, raised his arm and something on his wrist flipped open. There was a shout from Lotor across the room, Shiro stepped back, and then there was a bright flash of light.

An explosion. One that ricocheted across the entire ship, splitting it into shrapnel and left no one inside alive. It was the burning of a star. Went in slow motion, a daydream.

And in the rubble of their tomb… Well, they died.


	87. Drown

Shiro watched Lance as the boy trained, monitoring his angles and positioning, ready to help the boy in case he messed up or became overwhelmed. They were doing one on one training, for Lance claimed group training made him feel pressured.

The man believed him, because watching the former blue paladin now he was doing so much better than he had when the group had trained earlier in the day. It was a huge change.

As the black paladin watched the Cuban boy, he couldn’t help but notice a few key things. Not just in the current training, but also from their previous sessions.

Lance moved sharply with determination, each turn on his heel and pull of his trigger he did it like it was the last time he would ever get to. Like he was trying too hard, trying to prove something.

“It’s just training, it doesn’t have to be perfect. The only time it needs to be perfect is when we are in battle, take it easy, Lance.” Shiro would tell him this countless times, Lance would stutter and agree, but they always ended up in the same place.

Shiro tilted his head as he admired the paladin’s technique, but then he noticed the sweat that dripped off of him and the red flush of his cheeks from over exertion. “Lance.”

The boy turned, dropping to a knee and shooting dead at a bot hovered over Shiro’s head.

He had to admit, Shiro flinched at that.  “Lance.” Shiro moved to make eye contact, and the boy blinked owlishly. “Huh…?”

“End training sequence!” Shiro shouted.

Lance plopped down onto his butt, Bayard laying at his side and he panted. “What is it?”

The white tipped man sat down next to Lance, legs crossed like a child. “That was a good session.” He smiled slightly, patting Lances knee. He noticed the caramel skinned boys chest swell and he sat up a little straighter, eyes widening a bit.

“R-Really? You think so? I-I thought maybe…”

Shiro sighed, “Really. You did well.”

Lance looked down, a ghost of a smile on his lips and his eyes glimmered. “You just, I wanted—“

He shook his head, trying to get his thoughts together. In the end, he hugged his knees, and yes, maybe he giggled. “Really?”

Shiro blinked, then chuckled and smiled. He nudged Lance away gently to off put the boys balance. “Really, really. I’m proud, you are a lot better than I thought.”

This changed Lances demeanor, as his face was turned, Shiro picked up on a switch. His eyes drooped, the smile vanishing. “Oh, haha. Great.”

Had Shiro said something wrong? He didn’t understand. What was the matter with Lance?

“Look, I’m sorry about yelling at you a few days ago. I was under some pressure; it wasn’t anything I meant. I… Yeah.” Shiro moved slightly so Lance would look at him.

It wasn’t working. The former blue paladins spark was snuffed out, and Shiro felt horrible.

“It’s okay, I understand. I’m gonna…” He got to his feet, trailing off slightly. “I need to wash up, I’m hot and sweaty and gross. Totally not good to leave my pores in such a condition.”

Shiro wanted to object, but he was scared what would happen to Lances pores if he didn’t go.

The horror.

“Okay… I’ll come by later, just to check up on you.” Shiro watched him go, and felt something in his gut twist but he left it at that. What else should he have done? He’s not good at this.

\---

After a couple minutes of shutting down the training room, Shiro stretched and headed out. He wanted to hit the kitchen for a juice box, because you can never deny your 6-year-old instincts.

His mind travelled, to the other paladins, to his constant headache, etc. Shiro wanted to help them all to better themselves, but sometimes he felt little gaps in the whole situation. 

It was weird. Like… almost as if he wasn’t himself. Whatever though, ya know?

Walking down the corridor, he found himself humming something Lance and Pidge had been singing, about not getting any sleep because of someone else. It was catchy. Those two were so wacky and creative, his little space kids.

The sound of an abrupt splash made him jump, stopping in his tracks. Looking around, he found himself near the pool room. When had he gotten here? And what was that noise?

“Pidge? Allura?” Shiro found the door, entering, and looking around. Nobody was in here, no towels or discarded clothes, none of it. “Coran?”

A disturbance in the water drew the black paladin closer though, walking up to the pool that cast a teal slow around the whole place and across the scar on his nose, making it look blue.

Blue.

“Lance?”

When he looked down, he saw the orange stripes of the boy’s jacket, and the way it was getting deeper and deeper in the impossible Altean pool. They’d figured out a long time ago how to get it to work to their will, and discovered it seemingly was endless.

Stop rambling. “Lance!”

By instinct, the man put his hands together, diving forward into the lukewarm water and penciling down into the realm. He kicked his feet, eyes opened, and he intently stared ahead.

There was Lance. Just a few yards below the surface, but sinking fast. Oh god.

Shiro brought his arms down and out, then to his sides, repeating these actions until he was nearly a foot or two in front of Lance. The boy was holding the sides of his head, face contorted and mouth open, and Shiro grabbed his wrists, face determined.

He pulled Lance up, then he started kicking towards the surface until they broke surface. A gasp left the man’s lips, but it wasn’t similar for Lance. Panic started to settle in, heart twisting.

The black paladin set Lance down on the side of the pools ledge, climbing up after him, and tilting his head back. “LANCE! Lance?!” He groaned for a moment, before bending over and holding Lances nose, putting his lips to his to breath into him.

Breaking away from the contact quickly, he put his hands together and pressed five hard times against the Cuban boys abdomen, and then repeating the process. Suddenly, Lance jerked, and he started to cough up the water he’d swallowed.

Shiro felt his breath come back, helping Lance roll over to dispel the water. “Thank god…”

The two of them calmed down together, and Lances trembling form started to slowly sit up. He looked over to the man who had saved him, confused. “Shiro?”

“Y-Yeah, it’s me. What happened?! Did you fall?”

Lance wasn’t sure how to answer that. Should he tell the truth? Would it hurt?

“I uh… I tried to drown myself.”

There was a hushed moment of silence, Shiro’s mouth moving but no true words coming out. Lance had… what? Why? Shiro felt his headache soar, and he turned away. “I…oh…”

In a moment, the doors to the pool were opening and the rest of the castle ship’s members were rushing in. “Lance? Shiro?! The castles cameras picked up distress signals!”

The group looked at the two men, seeing both of them soaked and trembling and pale. One looked ashamed and sad, the other looked shocked and confused. Guess who was who.

Lance smiled, “I just fell in, Shiro saved me. Everything is okay.”

The others appeared to accept this, and Lance helped Shiro to his feet. Hunk protruded towels, wrapping them around the two, and from there they were separated.

Coran and Pidge ushering Lance out to the healing pods, just in case.

Allura and Hunk helping Shiro to dry up and warm off.

Shiro remained quiet. It had been all his fault hadn’t it?

Lance felt that way because of the way Shiro had spoke about him…

Something in his head clicked.

Somewhere else, Lance screamed.


	88. Don't Look Behind You.

It had consumed him for a long time since the incident had occurred. The memory took up every moment of sleep he tried to snag each night every day after it happened.

It left him waking up with a throat that hurt so bad at times from nightly screams, it was like he had swallowed glass.

Would his best friend really kill him, brainwashed by some sea monster or not? 

You always see in movies friendship overcoming those sorts of things, memories stronger than any control out there.

Did Hunk and Lance not have worthy enough memories, or any at all?

Were they not as close as Lance felt?

He was sitting up in bed now, shirtless, panting as sweat glimmered off of his body. It had been another nightmare.

That's all it had been.

The blue paladin swallowed thickly, tossing the sticking blankets from his legs and taking a moment to cool off.

It was okay.  
It was okay.

He glanced down at his chest, checking for any potential fists or implanted figures ready to explode from the area.

Lance stood out of bed, stumbling around for the lightswitch, a panic settling within him.

Have you ever stood out of bed at night, completely in the dark, and your mind panicked and thought of every potential, yet unrealistic threat that could creep out from all crevices? 

Spiders that could crawl across your bare toes, crunch underneath a bare foot, etc.

Rolling out of bed, your legs dangling, and the countless of monsters under your bed ready to grab you?

Dark eyed and endless mouthed ladies, demons and devils, the creatures that lurk in the back of your mind.

Lances heart hammered, thinking of these monstrosities and the anxiety clenched his heart.

This is how he lived his life now, since the incident and since the nightmares had begun. 

Paranoid, terrified.

Turning corners was a struggle, glancing behind him was a feat, and that was only the start of it.

He flipped the switch, nothing was there waiting for him except for his own demons.

When Hunk and Lance were stranded in some other undersea world, captured, and put under some of drug-like condition, leading to Hunk commanded to get Lance.

No doubt, kill him.

The look of no care or emotion, no feeling, from his usually very emotional friend, and the chasing, it hit deep.

Lance didn't trust anyone fully except Hunk, and now that was tarnished.

Could he even trust himself at this point? He had no clue.

He walked ahead, to the mirror he kept, sighing and glancing at it. 

Ugh. Those dark circles were not going to get any better, were they?

Here is another query:

Did you know that if you stare at your own reflection for an extended period of time, your mind gets bored and creates the horrifying ‘ghosts’ that you see hiding there?

Thanks mind, Lance really needed that right now. Yet he stared longer.

He saw his face contort, he saw it melt and twist, saw blood and scrapes, the aftermath of what Hunk could have done.

Dark purple handprints appeared on his throat, and the Cuban boy felt like he couldn't breath.

The feeling consumed him, lips parting in an attempt to find air, a hand going to his throat to pull away nonexistent fingers.

Paranoid.

He wheezed, taking his eyes away from the mirror and tossed it, watching as it smashed to pieces against the wall.

The hands disappeared, Lance could breathe again. Thank god.

Breathe.  
Breathe.

Breathe.

It wasn't working, he couldn't breathe and he wasn't exactly sure what was real and what wasn't. There were seconds missing in his memory.

Was this the onslaught of a panic attack?

Something sharp was in his hand, the feeling of pins and needles in his palm.

He wiped his mouth.

Calm down.  
Eyes up.  
Calm down.

Rela---

He jumped at the sound of a knock on the door, and it slid open to reveal Hunk. Right on time.

“Lance? I heard glass brea---”

The yellow paladin looked down, at the glass shards that stared back up at him in multiple pieces.

On the bed, Lance felt the sharp lump of anxiety in his throat, silencing him.

He tasted metal in his mouth.

Lance made a choking sound in the back of his throat, and Hunk looked up in horror.

“Lance, no!!!” His eyes widened.

Blood dripped from the blue eyed man's lips, dropping into his lap.

“Hunk, I'm so sorry.” His eyes rolled back into his head and he fell back against his bed.

Hunk struggled with Lance, panicking. Tears pricked his eyes and he trembled hard.

“Sh...Sh…. SHIRO!!!!!!”

He couldn't believe what had just happened. What he had just seen.

Why would Lance do it?  
Why did he do that?

Why…

Why did Lance swallow glass?


End file.
